Welcome Comrades to a Special Edition of the Dispatch! We've got a lot of important articles (as well as fun ones, of course) for you all to read, including two important announcements so enjoy this special mini-issue!
Newsletter Executive IMPORTANT BULLETIN from lackattack, by Victor Sullivan
Lackattack will be out for the coming weeks, so he asked the Dispatch staff to release this announcement via the Newsletter. As you know, he's been pushing out updates, and I can officially say this is due to his wanting to finish them before his "vacation". And, because the updates had required out of him more than he expected these last few days, he was unable to type up an important announcement:
Dear Comrades, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you unfortunate news. After much deliberation, Conquer Club's beloved pet monkey has decided to resign. Yes, our dear Community Manager, AndyDufresne, will be resigning within the next few days due to some "Monkey Business" that lackattack did not care to elaborate on: Yes, it's true. From Foundry Foreman to Alpha Monkey to Community Manager to resignation, Conquer Club will simply not be the same as it once was. A thread will be posted in General Discussion to remember the good times we've spent with our dear monkey friend... lackattack wrote:I appreciate your concern, Victor, but part of the agreement of his resignation was that neither I nor king achilles share the circumstances that necessitated his leaving. He prefers to remain in the memories of the Conquer Club community as the forums' beloved monkey. With Andy's resignation, king achilles will be briefly taking over AndyDufesne's tasks for this month until a replacement has been found. Lackattack plans to have a poll up when he gets back with the following candidates: samuelc812 clapper011 MrBenn TheForgivenOne MeDeFe Gilligan Allow me conclude this article with a happier tone: Let us celebrate the good things Andy gave us, and the good times we've had, while celebrating the potential new Community Manager! VIRUS ALERT from king achilles, by Dukasaur
Warning: Trojan Alert by king achilles on Fri April 31, 2011 08:28 Last night, cybervandals hacked the ConquerClub servers and succeeded in replacing the map with a Trojan. The behavior of this Trojan is to gradually take over your browser and your online experience. Arms Race! If you are not in any games, good! You are safe. However, if you have any Arms Race! games going, it may already be too late. Arms Race! There is some evidence that the Trojan will not proceed to its higher levels if you avoid clicking on these games. We are working as fast as possible to delete all affected games; however, CC is a big site, and there are literally tens of thousands of games that have to be checked, so it will take some time. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ENTER OR VIEW ANY OF THESE GAMES. Do not make the problem worse by taking your turn in any of the affected games. If you already took a turn in one of these games, you may already be infected. Here are things to watch out for: Level One: When the Trojan first activates, it simply transfers 21 points from your score to Arms Race! HighlanderAttack. If you like to play Arms Race, you've probably already encountered this situation once or twice, so it should be no big deal. Solution: If you want your 21 points back, just file a support e-ticket and your points will be returned promptly. The support staff do not mind doing this for you, although they will of course consider you a whiny crybaby. For your protection: CC Policy prohibits staff from publicly making jokes about your sad lack of self-esteem. Level Two: At this point the Trojan attacks the Intensity Cube subroutine in all your games. Any time you attempt an attack with 9 troops against a territory containing 3 troops, it will jam the Intensity Cubes in such a way that you are sure to lose. Arms Race! Solution: For starters, immediately post your experiences here. We are attempting to gather a comprehensive list of all players afflicted with this problem. In the meantime, however, try to arrange your games in such a way that you never have 9 troops on a territory. Try using your reinforcement phase to move one of them away, or attacking some territory you don't want, in order to lose some troops, before beginning the attack on the territory that you do want. Of course, CCers who are serious about the game have already installed a ternary correlation filter to guard against this possibility. Level Three: The "colour switch." Have you ever spent an hour carefully analyzing your turn and planning your attack, only to click "Begin Turn" and suddenly find out that you're a different colour than you thought you were? Don't worry, you're not going senile. It's the Trojan again. A Level Three activation will enable a special subroutine which randomly switches you with another player when you click "Begin Turn" after having analysed your position for a significant length of time. Arms Race! Solution: Since the subroutine which controls this program is activated by the amount of time you spend studying your move, the solution is easy and obvious: stop planning your moves! Just enter your games, click "Begin Turn" and then click "Auto-attack" repeatedly until you win the game. This approach works especially well in Quads. Level Four: At level four, the Trojan will start scanning for available team games against Emmdizzle and automatically sign you up for them, along with a randomly-chosen Cook. This is actually just the game "Working As Designed" and nothing to worry about. Solution: Since there's no real problem here, there's no need for a solution. Level Five: If you have ignored our advice and repeatedly taken turns in your games, the Trojan may proceed to a very virulent Level Five activation. At this point it will start signing you up for any open games available, until the magic number of 1302 is reached. If you notice that you are in more games than you can handle, don't worry. It's not your poor judgment at work, it's the Arms Race! Trojan at work again! Arms Race! Solution: The best way to deal with this problem is to shut down your computer for three or four days and let some of these games end. When you come back your game count should be at a manageable level. Level Six: At level six a subroutine is activated which attacks your account expiry date and may cause you to drop down to freemium status. Solution: Your account will eventually be restored, but in the meantime it is a good idea to simply prepay your next renewal here. Simply hit the " POST" button at the top of this page, enter your credit card account number and expiry date, and we will take care of the rest for you. REPLY Level Seven: This is probably the worst-case scenario, which will not happen to most users. However, those that it happens to may suffer irreparable psychological harm, so pay close attention. At this level the Trojan will scan your computer for all saved .jpg files,and replace them all with pimpdave's avatar. If your computer is hooked up to your home theatre system, it may go further and start showing you pimpdave's avatar on your TV screen, on your iPad, even on your ATM receipts. Solution: If you are exposed to this for any length of time, you may need serious psychiatric help. However, in cases of brief exposure, it may be possible to reverse the damage by gazing at natty_dread's avatar for one hour per day for six days. Just be sure not to sign up for any tournaments during this time! In Conclusion: We are extremely sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. Our servers are amongst the most secure in the country, but there is no such thing as perfect security, and during this one brief moment our defenses were breached. Congratulations, Extraordinaire! by Victor Sullivan
Sully Note: safariguy5 took over for nagerous for this interrogation.
This issue, we're tackling a rather controversial topic. Banned users!
show: Interrogation of Banned Users
Q: wicked, was that story about your health really true? And if so, have you fully recovered and are you ready and willing to return to being a moderator?
A: .... Q: Dancing Mustard, your posts in Flame Wars were both hilarious and biting. Would you consider coming back to the site if some form of Flame Wars were restored? A: <silence> Q: Captain_Scarlet, do you believe your good deeds warrant a revisiting of the circumstances of your vacation and perhaps an exception to be made? A: <Crickets Chirping> Q: Kid_A, do you believe that your politically incorrect posts and comments were done under the influence of alcohol and that you would consider issuing a full apology? A: <static> Q: GENERAL STONEHAM, do you believe you were unfairly targeted and baited? A: <blank> Q: Duality., how much money total have you spent on this site? A: Error, invalid query. Q: Beckytheblondie, what age and gender are you really? A: Q: theherkman, do you believe you could have pulled off having the most active games without being accused of point dumping? A: "My client would like to plead the Fifth" -Lawyer Q: Hyasri, who are you really and what connection do you have with lackattack? A: lackattack edit: safariguy5 has been put on indefinite vacation. This interview is now over. "Random" Game Analysis by DoomYoshi
Game 8434638 Here we have yet another 1 v 1. If people are wondering why there isn't more variety in the random games: it's because out of 7439762 games, 4382607 are 1 v 1. That is 59%. Damn You Tournaments! You are making my article boring by throwing off my randomization. However, this time we double lucked out. Not only do we have our first speed game and our first freestyle game, we also have our first game with a top 10 player. In this case ljex. Now you may have been farmed by ljex (or even accused him of cheating in one of the 3 or 4 threads on the subject), so I will try to avoid the touchier areas. Instead, I will call this game as it deserves to be called: a play-by-play annoucement reel! Ljex starts with regional bonuses, how will cc react? He SMASHES into Australia. But what's this? ljex expected it and is counterattacking! He has cleared New Zealand. Next round, cc tries again, but from Irian Jaya. Can he pull it off? Yes. ljex deploys and ends his turn in the respectable British claim to Antarctica biding his time like a proper gentleman. Next round, cc is going crazy. He's in America, in the Middle East, in Europe. He's even killing neutrals! ljex's counterattack here is what you would get if you could stuff Eternal Damnation into a turn. Australia? Taken. America? Taken. Africa? Taken. cc thought he was tough taking on neutrals? Well, ljex took out 2 neutrals. This game is now in the twilight years. cc goes for Australia and Antarctica, ljex takes it back and more. cc is desperate now, he cashes in early for the small bonus. He has to turn the tide somehow. Before he can even act, ljex's vengeance strikes with an amazing fury. However, all is not lost. cc manages to get a foothold in Europe and starts clearing North Africa. That foothold established, cc is not content to just hold on. He starts ripping across America, fighting to get closer to ljex's stronghold in Australia. Ljex, however, is fighting some other battle, some other place and misses his turn. Not such a big deal in a Speed Game. With only 5 minutes, it happens all the time. cc is now the dominant power though and he remembers the indignation he felt at the front of ljex's armies. As furious as his treatment was earlier, now it seems like nothing. cc cashes again, ready to destroy. Australia becomes a mere puppet to the horde. South America? Child's Play! As the attacks intensify, ljex gets ready to cash in and show the world why he is 2nd to only Blitz. Except he doesn't. He merely fades away, 100 points poorer. NEXT TIME: A surprise. Pm me if you have any comments on the analysis or if you have any points about the next game. Advanced Roles and Strategy by safariguy5
The Jester What is it? The Jester is a role where the only objective is to be lynched. Being night killed causes you to lose. If no other faction has won yet, the game usually continues, although this is at the discretion of the mod. Jesters are always third party roles because their win condition doesn't really make sense in the mafia/town alignment sense. Example Jack is the jester. He gets himself lynched on Day 1. He wins. Hooray! How to Play this Role Third Party As Jester, it is usually not a good idea to straight up declare you are the jester. People will tend to leave you to a town vigilante or another night kill in this case. The best way to be lynched is to act scummy. Bandwagon, vote hop, use poor logic and maybe even consider submarining. The trick is to not make it very blatant scum actions, and be prepared with a claim other than jester, preferably a vanilla townie or other role you're pretty certain is in the game. Sully Note: DoomYoshi filled in for natty_dread and Army of GOD for the comic: Premium Bounty by DoomYoshi
So, I am totally sick of just sitting here trying to get points. Obviously I have more money than brains and I have decided that if I can't get medals by being good at the game, I will just buy them. My hope is that if I give away enough bounties, lack will just be forced to give me all kinds of GA medals. Mountains of them. I will all the medals in the world in that bag. To show that I am serious, I need something big and dramatic to start the series off. So, I am offering
to everyone who can beat 5 YEARS PREMIUM HazardZero between now and April 4th. Good Luck, and God Bless. From all of us fools on the Dispatch - April Fools!
Please note that none of these articles (aside from safariguy5's "Advanced Roles and Strategy") have any truth in them.
Executive Fool ConquerClub Dispatch Fools Committee