ConquerClub is worth $169,614

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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Mr Changsha on Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:09 am

elfish_lad wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:Well my dad's penis can beat up your dad's penis.


Wait... how does that work exactly?


Ah, the ancient art of cock fighting. The rules are simple like all the best games..

First, both men unleash their beasts and attempt to form wood. In the case of middle aged men this can prove to be quite a challenge, but rule 5 does indeed allow for a designated fluffer to 'stand by' for each combatant. However, it must be said that some have taken issue at the rather hetro-centric wording of the rule: 'A female may be employed to perform the act of fluffing upon the combatant crying "I'm as soft as shit down here!"' Litigation based on equal rights violations was actually brought forward here in China on this very issue, of course both the litigant and his lawyer were natually shot for having the nerve to express a free thought. Quite right too, I say.

Once both men are suitably engorged, they must place themselves at a distance of no more than 30 (15 for the asian gentleman) centimetres apart (measured from the toe of the right foot of the challenger to the toe of the left foot of the challenged). Once in position, the umpire will raise his arms to the sky, look both combatants firmly in the eye and proclaim.."Grasp Cock!" At this point, the standard technique is to place one's left hand upon one's left buttock (for balance, naturally) while firmly grasping the old sausage at the root. Another variation - often referred to as the claymore technique - is to place both hands at the base of the old manhood. This is often preferred by the larger gentleman in the trouser department and the adoption of this stance is sometimes used as a form of intimidation. Of course if the chap doesn't actually have 'the ways to justify the means' well, let's just say that it is rather like a chap saying "Have you seen my new rolex?" in the pub, only for another to point out "Yeah, 15 quid from Big Bessy from behind the Butchers that is." Highly embarrassing to say the least.

The battle itself can be best described as a rather sordid variation on that much loved children's classic 'thumb wars'. A victory can be achieved by either pinning the opponent's bishop for three full seconds (counted out by the umpire) or by going for the 'under and up'. The 'under and up' involves streaking under the opponents guard and, with as violent a motion as possible, striking the sack in such a way as to make the opponent collapse like the proverbial house of cards. A danger however is the 'loss by deviant homosexual default'. Ejaculation = instant disqualification and here in China also death, thus adding a whole other level of danger to those who grasp the stick in fury.

Always here to educate,

Mr C
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby natty dread on Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:27 am

King_Herpes wrote:
natty_dread wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:meh, my penis is worth more than that.


No it's not, your penis has herpes. My penis is worth more than your penis.


Well my dad's penis can beat up your dad's penis.


Meh, not unless your dad's penis is a necropenis. My dad is dead. And so is his penis.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby MeDeFe on Fri Dec 11, 2009 8:20 am

Mr Changsha wrote:
elfish_lad wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:Well my dad's penis can beat up your dad's penis.


Wait... how does that work exactly?


Ah, the ancient art of cock fighting. The rules are simple like all the best games..

First, both men unleash their beasts and attempt to form wood. In the case of middle aged men this can prove to be quite a challenge, but rule 5 does indeed allow for a designated fluffer to 'stand by' for each combatant. However, it must be said that some have taken issue at the rather hetro-centric wording of the rule: 'A female may be employed to perform the act of fluffing upon the combatant crying "I'm as soft as shit down here!"' Litigation based on equal rights violations was actually brought forward here in China on this very issue, of course both the litigant and his lawyer were natually shot for having the nerve to express a free thought. Quite right too, I say.

Once both men are suitably engorged, they must place themselves at a distance of no more than 30 (15 for the asian gentleman) centimetres apart (measured from the toe of the right foot of the challenger to the toe of the left foot of the challenged). Once in position, the umpire will raise his arms to the sky, look both combatants firmly in the eye and proclaim.."Grasp Cock!" At this point, the standard technique is to place one's left hand upon one's left buttock (for balance, naturally) while firmly grasping the old sausage at the root. Another variation - often referred to as the claymore technique - is to place both hands at the base of the old manhood. This is often preferred by the larger gentleman in the trouser department and the adoption of this stance is sometimes used as a form of intimidation. Of course if the chap doesn't actually have 'the ways to justify the means' well, let's just say that it is rather like a chap saying "Have you seen my new rolex?" in the pub, only for another to point out "Yeah, 15 quid from Big Bessy from behind the Butchers that is." Highly embarrassing to say the least.

The battle itself can be best described as a rather sordid variation on that much loved children's classic 'thumb wars'. A victory can be achieved by either pinning the opponent's bishop for three full seconds (counted out by the umpire) or by going for the 'under and up'. The 'under and up' involves streaking under the opponents guard and, with as violent a motion as possible, striking the sack in such a way as to make the opponent collapse like the proverbial house of cards. A danger however is the 'loss by deviant homosexual default'. Ejaculation = instant disqualification and here in China also death, thus adding a whole other level of danger to those who grasp the stick in fury.

Always here to educate,

Mr C

You just made my day a whole lot better than it already was.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby jleonnn on Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:40 am

i wanna buy conquerclub lol.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby natty dread on Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:10 am

... so, conquer club is worth 169 dollars and 614 cents?
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Army of GOD on Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:07 pm

Mr Changsha wrote:
elfish_lad wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:Well my dad's penis can beat up your dad's penis.


Wait... how does that work exactly?


Ah, the ancient art of cock fighting. The rules are simple like all the best games..

First, both men unleash their beasts and attempt to form wood. In the case of middle aged men this can prove to be quite a challenge, but rule 5 does indeed allow for a designated fluffer to 'stand by' for each combatant. However, it must be said that some have taken issue at the rather hetro-centric wording of the rule: 'A female may be employed to perform the act of fluffing upon the combatant crying "I'm as soft as shit down here!"' Litigation based on equal rights violations was actually brought forward here in China on this very issue, of course both the litigant and his lawyer were natually shot for having the nerve to express a free thought. Quite right too, I say.

Once both men are suitably engorged, they must place themselves at a distance of no more than 30 (15 for the asian gentleman) centimetres apart (measured from the toe of the right foot of the challenger to the toe of the left foot of the challenged). Once in position, the umpire will raise his arms to the sky, look both combatants firmly in the eye and proclaim.."Grasp Cock!" At this point, the standard technique is to place one's left hand upon one's left buttock (for balance, naturally) while firmly grasping the old sausage at the root. Another variation - often referred to as the claymore technique - is to place both hands at the base of the old manhood. This is often preferred by the larger gentleman in the trouser department and the adoption of this stance is sometimes used as a form of intimidation. Of course if the chap doesn't actually have 'the ways to justify the means' well, let's just say that it is rather like a chap saying "Have you seen my new rolex?" in the pub, only for another to point out "Yeah, 15 quid from Big Bessy from behind the Butchers that is." Highly embarrassing to say the least.

The battle itself can be best described as a rather sordid variation on that much loved children's classic 'thumb wars'. A victory can be achieved by either pinning the opponent's bishop for three full seconds (counted out by the umpire) or by going for the 'under and up'. The 'under and up' involves streaking under the opponents guard and, with as violent a motion as possible, striking the sack in such a way as to make the opponent collapse like the proverbial house of cards. A danger however is the 'loss by deviant homosexual default'. Ejaculation = instant disqualification and here in China also death, thus adding a whole other level of danger to those who grasp the stick in fury.

Always here to educate,

Mr C


*ConquerClub's worth increases by 300%*
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby darth emperor on Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:21 pm

And what about conquerclubtrivia???

everytime I try says:

www.conquerclubtrivia.com's eSiteStats Rank: N/A
Estimated Value: $2
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby vodean on Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:14 pm

darth emperor wrote:And what about conquerclubtrivia???

everytime I try says:

http://www.conquerclubtrivia.com's eSiteStats Rank: N/A
Estimated Value: $2

haha :D :D. cockfighting... :lol: :lol:
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby obliterationX on Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:46 pm

I'm wet.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby elfish_lad on Fri Dec 11, 2009 1:57 pm

Mr Changsha wrote:Ah, the ancient art of cock fighting. The rules are simple like all the best games..


Thanks Mr. C. Very helpful reminder of the rules. However, I do have a few questions:

1. Can I use a proxy? Let's say I had a busy night before with regard to "marital relations" and such and the equipment is a bit worn out. Can I call in my brother as my second to defend my honor? Not so much because he has better tools but because he is single?

2. Can my opponent tap-out or is it really a cage match with a fight to the death or until one of the combatants becomes a eunuch?

And finally,

3. Is this really the best manner in which to discover if someone's penis is worth more than CC?

Thank you kindly in advance for your thoughtful reply.

Curiously Yours,

E.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby natty dread on Fri Dec 11, 2009 2:48 pm

3. Is this really the best manner in which to discover if someone's penis is worth more than CC?


Only if you don't mind catching herpes.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby King_Herpes on Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:25 pm

natty_dread wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:
natty_dread wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:meh, my penis is worth more than that.


No it's not, your penis has herpes. My penis is worth more than your penis.


Well my dad's penis can beat up your dad's penis.


Meh, not unless your dad's penis is a necropenis. My dad is dead. And so is his penis.


Not quite but he's a necropenismancer which in this case would be the next best thing.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby natty dread on Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:10 pm

King_Herpes wrote:
natty_dread wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:
natty_dread wrote:
King_Herpes wrote:meh, my penis is worth more than that.


No it's not, your penis has herpes. My penis is worth more than your penis.


Well my dad's penis can beat up your dad's penis.


Meh, not unless your dad's penis is a necropenis. My dad is dead. And so is his penis.


Not quite but he's a necropenismancer which in this case would be the next best thing.


What, I thought he just has a necrotic penis.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby King_Herpes on Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:15 pm

Quit talking about our father's cocks!











It's getting weird.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Army of GOD on Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:16 pm

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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Mr Changsha on Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:40 pm

elfish_lad wrote:Thanks Mr. C. Very helpful reminder of the rules. However, I do have a few questions:

1. Can I use a proxy? Let's say I had a busy night before with regard to "marital relations" and such and the equipment is a bit worn out. Can I call in my brother as my second to defend my honor? Not so much because he has better tools but because he is single?


Would you ask your brother to step in to service the old wife if your manhood had become overly flaccid from masturbation (let's be honest here!!)? Maybe you would... I don't know and frankly I don't want to know what you depraved cats get up to in that land of decadence known as the United States of America, but in the ancient art of cock fighting a man settles his problems in the same way he settles his problems regarding his own good wife...with his cock. His own cock. In some provinces of China, the substitution of cocks in the marital bedroom is sure fire way to get a bullet in the brain, and this same moral stance (often known as 'murderous glee' but that is just my own opinion you understand) is adopted for the ancient art of cock fighting. As an old Chinese saying goes "A man who would ask of his brother's cock in battle would surely give his brother's wife a bloody good seeing to like a tiger fucking a panda in a bamboo tree over a mountain framed by a lake." Incredibly deep the Chinese, you know.

elfish_lad wrote:2. Can my opponent tap-out or is it really a cage match with a fight to the death or until one of the combatants becomes a eunuch?


A good question this, showing an interest in the finer details of the game. Well done sir, you may (if you train like Rocky), one day take your place in the ring. For full details of the sport I can but direct you to the official website of Chinese cock fighting http://www.slaphismeat.cn if you feel the urge to 'lock cocks' (technical term). The current place in vogue to train is in the hills around Dali...a master of the style (known as 'whipping snake' here in China) will vigorously penetrate your very imperialistic American soul. Think Kill Bill...but with cocks.

elfish_lad wrote:And finally,

3. Is this really the best manner in which to discover if someone's penis is worth more than CC?


No, of course not. The best way would be to see if the owner of the said penis could earn more money from pornography or donating to sperm banks or something. However, paragraph 8 subsection c (a2) of the regional code of Hu Nan does allow for the 'challenge by raging meat' in the case of some legal disputes. I must again stress however that if the challenge is adopted as a mere pretense for 'deviant, almost certainly imported from Europe, homosexual rutting' (President Deng, 1986) then the most likely outcome of the challenge is quick, messy death. 'Ejaculation = Excecution'...words that all Chinese (not least because of the one child policy) live by.

Hope that helps, but if you've found the old man meat straining at the fly while reading this then I can but suggest that this is not the sport for you. The ancient sport of of cock fighting is possibly the most hetrosexual sport in the entire world (yes, even more straight than wrestling, rugby or NFL) and many is the man who thought 'I'm this game for honour' only to have it cruelly exposed that he was in fact a raging woofter. Coming out of the closet whilst in the middle of a ring of machine gun toting thought police is not a way to maintain emotional equalibrium! Trust me on this!!

Mr C
Last edited by Mr Changsha on Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:07 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby elfish_lad on Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:24 am

Dear Mr. C.,

Sincere thanks for your prompt and thought provoking reply. However, I must protest.

It is true that In CANADA we are a Nation that shares. Of course one mustn't go so far as to call CANADA socialist. By no means. We too have some of that red-blooded-euromerican capitalist fervor running through our veins. But sexual-socialism was not my intention with regard to my question regarding a penis-proxy.

After decades of frozen pucks in the package on backyard shinny ponds, we, in CANADA, pride ourselves in knowing how to protect our johnsons from undue harm and danger. In fact, this is the very reason why CC, as a site created in CANADA, is worth as much as it is.

lackattack knows the number one motto of a Hockey Nation: wear a cup.

I hope this helps to clarify my question with regard to a hypothetical phallic stand in.

Thanks again from CANADA.

E.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Mr Changsha on Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:00 am

elfish_lad wrote:Dear Mr. C.,

Sincere thanks for your prompt and thought provoking reply. However, I must protest.

It is true that In CANADA we are a Nation that shares. Of course one mustn't go so far as to call CANADA socialist. By no means. We too have some of that red-blooded-euromerican capitalist fervor running through our veins. But sexual-socialism was not my intention with regard to my question regarding a penis-proxy.

After decades of frozen pucks in the package on backyard shinny ponds, we, in CANADA, pride ourselves in knowing how to protect our johnsons from undue harm and danger. In fact, this is the very reason why CC, as a site created in CANADA, is worth as much as it is.

lackattack knows the number one motto of a Hockey Nation: wear a cup.

I hope this helps to clarify my question with regard to a hypothetical phallic stand in.

Thanks again from CANADA.

E.


So what you are saying (if I have go this completely straight), is that you are from Canada and not the United States?

Well indeed!

And Lack is from Canada too?

Never!!

Sadly, all the various colour fonts gave me a mild epileptic fit, so I kind of lost the rest while attempting not to chew off my own tongue whilst (quite perversely) the American national anthem played itself backwards in my mind, but I think I get the general point.

I might point you to the infamous Canadian pugilist Butch Redwood, who went by the fighting name of 'Eh?' Yes that's right, just 'Eh?' He was a man of few words but impeccable Canadian sensibilities. And what style, what grace...what unbelievable technique. There is a statue of him here in Changsha...he is captured coming off the plane carrying a large suitcase with an absolutely enormous Canadian flag proudly showing. 'I am not an American' he says, an attitude of mind that will surely be carried down by Canadians through the generations.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby cairnswk on Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:41 am

oooO! Photobucket is worth $316,631,333...Very interesting!
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby elfish_lad on Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:05 am

Dear Mr. C., (aka fit-man)

My deepest apologies with regard to your seizure. As you well know, this can cause serious mood changes. To wit the sensory or emotional systems may be affected, causing a variety of symptoms. These can include tingling or numbness, seeing lights, hearing sounds, odd tastes or odd smells; and feeling emotions like fear, sadness, anger or even joy, especially in a freestyle game. It may be that a specific memory is triggered, or that there is a deja vu experience - that an event appears as a previous memory, even although it has only just happened. These symptoms are often called an aura and/or the euphoria at receiving your newest medal.

In the future, may I suggest that you post a warning at the bottom of each of your forum posts that reads something to the affect: "hey, smart ass, avoid unneeded and gratuitous font changes in your replies, else wise I'll be squirming on the floor for 6 to 12 minutes, and not in the usual 'fun' way." Or something like that.

Further to your post however, I think you are right on the mark. The reason that CC is worth what it is that Canadians (cheers to me for no font art here... see I care... I really do) find their worth by defining themselves as NOT American. That in and of itself is an art form.

Cheers.

(Please note that the Elf is proud of himself for not using the word "penis" in this post. Quite proud indeed.)
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby ljex on Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:22 am

elfish_lad wrote:(Please note that the Elf is proud of himself for not using the word "penis" in this post. Quite proud indeed.)


Please note that you did use penis in this post when saying that you didn't say it. Hate to burst your bubble on formality but...
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Mr Changsha on Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:53 am

ljex wrote:
elfish_lad wrote:(Please note that the Elf is proud of himself for not using the word "penis" in this post. Quite proud indeed.)


Please note that you did use penis in this post when saying that you didn't say it. Hate to burst your bubble on formality but...


I find the word 'Penis' terribly insulting, offensive and, dare I whisper it, crude. I much prefer the term love truncheon, milk splasher or (and this really is a personal favourite of mine) shaft.

It is rather like referring to the female's pudenda as a 'vagina'. The horror!! Snatch, bearded clam, or growler are much more family friendly terms in this lunatic's considered opinion.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby nietzsche on Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:03 am

you guys, lets keep funny things short so it can be enjoyed. 4 lines max.
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Mr Changsha on Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:08 am

elfish_lad wrote:Dear Mr. C., (aka fit-man)

My deepest apologies with regard to your seizure. As you well know, this can cause serious mood changes. To wit the sensory or emotional systems may be affected, causing a variety of symptoms. These can include tingling or numbness, seeing lights, hearing sounds, odd tastes or odd smells; and feeling emotions like fear, sadness, anger or even joy, especially in a freestyle game. It may be that a specific memory is triggered, or that there is a deja vu experience - that an event appears as a previous memory, even although it has only just happened. These symptoms are often called an aura and/or the euphoria at receiving your newest medal.

In the future, may I suggest that you post a warning at the bottom of each of your forum posts that reads something to the affect: "hey, smart ass, avoid unneeded and gratuitous font changes in your replies, else wise I'll be squirming on the floor for 6 to 12 minutes, and not in the usual 'fun' way." Or something like that.

Further to your post however, I think you are right on the mark. The reason that CC is worth what it is that Canadians (cheers to me for no font art here... see I care... I really do) find their worth by defining themselves as NOT American. That in and of itself is an art form.

Cheers.

(Please note that the Elf is proud of himself for not using the word "penis" in this post. Quite proud indeed.)


For all my joshing some of my best friends are Canadians (and not in the 'some of my best friends are gays/blacks/jews' way). Top people the Canadians, with a wonderful mixture of the British, the American as well as, of course, some unique traits of their own. I was in Ontario a while back and couldn't help but notice the houses looked like British two up two downs, yet the roads were that ridiculously wide American variety. Strange stuff. I don't know what it means...but strange stuff.

In fact there are an unusually large number of Canadians in China. You people are all over the place here and usually make great company (at least the blokes...the birds I've all found to be varying shades of appalling) as you drink well, have a good sense of humour and have an innate sense of respect for a classy English gentleman like myself...which is how it should be. I spent a couple of weeks in Ontario (staying with a pal's family) and never lost the sense of deep gratification when a young Canadian girl would say "Ooh...I love your accent!!"

Sadly, the ugliest female I ever had the misfortune to meet came from Canada. A butch lesbian with the arms of a bull, she used to do one-handed press ups in my apartment (she lived with me for a couple of weeks) and berate me for not being able to compete "You've got to be fucking kidding me.." I remember replying. She hit on my girlfriend continuously in the most pervy of ways "Come sit on my knee..." she would mew ("Hey! That's my job" I would think) and finally, worst of all, shagged her ear drums on the flight over here and spent two weeks, literally, saying 'Eh?' any time she was spoken too...which was not often. I would have thrown her out, but to be honest with you, she could have whipped my arse in about fifteen seconds. I hated that lesbian.

But overall, Canada = Rocks!!
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Re: ConquerClub is worth $169,614

Postby Timminz on Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:00 pm

Firstly, I must say that this thread is excellent, and makes me long for the days when there was* more than one "excellent" thread per month, in GD.

Secondly, huh huh huh.... cock ring....
Mr Changsha wrote:Well done sir, you may (if you train like Rocky), one day take your place in the ring.


Thirdly, we have a LOT of space here in Canada. We can spare a few metres everywhere to make extra-wide roads. Also, having those extra metres come in handy when you hit a patch of "black ice" while turning a corner, as I did yesterday, on my way home from work. Luckily, there were no other cars on that stretch of road, and I managed to catch traction again, with enough time to spare that I merely glanced the curb. No damage done, thankfully.
Mr Changsha wrote:..yet the roads were that ridiculously wide American variety.



* "was" did not seem to fit in this sentence, yet I felt "were" seems like it would also have been a bad fit. I thought I knew grammar.


edited once for spelling.
jay_a2j wrote:lets not be so quick to judge Hitler
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