Conquer Club

Raptor Jesus wrote:Tell me a funny joke.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tacktor?

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Interesting character development in the first half; the rural setting was charming and I don't think anyone would have expected the surprise twist in the middle. Unfortunately the inherent tackiness in the theme is where it falls apart.

3/10

What do you call a kid no arms and an eyepatch?

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BMO

rdsrds2120 wrote:What do you call a kid no arms and an eyepatch?

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BMO

Reminds me of an old random joke a gradeschool friend use to tell. She'd ask:

"Why couldn't the girl swing on the swing set?"

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--Andy

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a soup,
The waiter arrives with the bowl of soup and the guest
notices the waiters thumb in the soup and says disgusted

" waiter, you have your thumb in my soup " !!

the waiter replies, " yes sir, but i do have a purulent inflammation on my thumb,
and my doctor told me to keep it nice warm and moist"

so the guest asks " well why dont you stick your thumb then up your arse " ?

the waiter answers " i did sir, until you came and placed your order "

Two guys are sitting on a park bench on a cold, damp day.
A beautyful woman walks by and one guy says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
"What?" asks the woman.
"I saisd," says the guy,"particularly nasty weather."
The woman smiles, and the guy gets up and walks away with her.

The other guy thought that was a great pickup line and decides to use it. When another
beautyful woman walks by, he says ," Stick a feather up your ass?"
The woman says," Excuse me?"
"Fucking cold , isnt it ? says the guy.

Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy sees a bar across the street and says to the other guy,
"What do you say we go in that bsr for a cold beer?"
The other guy says,"forget it! They will never let us in with our dogs."

"Listen says the first guy. " Watch what i do and repeat what i say and i guarantee that we will be in that bar, with our dogs, drinking an ice-cold beer."
He puts his sunglasses on, takes his dog by the leash, and walks across the street. just as he gets to the bar, the doorman says, " Sorry, no dogs allowed."
"Oh, this is my seeing-eye dog," says the guy.

Very apologetically, the doorman opens the door and lets the guy in with his dog.
The guy across the street smiles, puts his sunglasses on, takes his dog by the leash, and walks to the bar.
The doorman stops hinm and says,"sorry, no dogs allowed."

The guy says, " This is my seeing-eye dog."
The door man looks at the dog and says, " Since when do they have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs?"

Not missing a beat, the guy says, " What? They gave me a Chihuahua??!!"

Here a true funny story from Australia,

A blind man walked with his dog to a chinese restaurant and asked the waiter
" Are Guide dogs allowed?"

So the waiter answered , No
after that the blind man sued the Chinese Restaurant owner and won the lawsuit,

The next day the Chinese Restaurant owner put up a Sign where it was written

" Gay dogs allowed"

have a great laugh

Not sure i get it...

Is this whole thread some kind of a new-age ironic joke...

None of you are funny. Well, unless you mean "well mr. Proctologist it's kind of a funny story" funny. You guys I guess qualify as that.

So, yeah you are "funnier"

KraphtOne wins Funniest Award.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

Two blondes walk into a building........ ..

AslanTheKing wrote:A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a soup,
The waiter arrives with the bowl of soup and the guest
notices the waiters thumb in the soup and says disgusted

" waiter, you have your thumb in my soup " !!

the waiter replies, " yes sir, but i do have a purulent inflammation on my thumb,
and my doctor told me to keep it nice warm and moist"

so the guest asks " well why dont you stick your thumb then up your arse " ?

the waiter answers " i did sir, until you came and placed your order "

i made a mistake , it was not the thumb, it was the pointing finger, forgive me
( are u laughing now? )

but i remember another true story
an american came into a indian local restaurant in mumbai ( bombay)
and asked if they have hot dogs
the waiter said he will ask the chef and walked to the kitchen,
on the way to the kitchen he stepped on a dogs tail ( the dog was sleeping in front of the kitchenentrance)
and the dog was howling crazy in pain,

as the waiter came back he said " no sir, we dont have hot dogs, but our chef will make it fresh for you "

when the american heard that he was running out of the restaurant

Are there funnier players these days?


i would say No

( there funnier in the way they make there moves, but having a sense of humour, i would say no
after , when did u post this? or people are just too afraid seeming funny)

could that be cause people are suffering big time in daily life?

come on guys, 9/1121 is over,#
are u traumatic? get over it, have a laugh,
after all ( after means anus in german ) ......

Since Herpes left, I haven't encountered a person nearly as funny as him. He was just on a another level.

Crazyirishman wrote:Since Herpes left, I haven't encountered a person nearly as funny as him. He was just on a another level.

I find Saxitoxin funnier. But there's no accounting for taste.

a man is walking on the street,
he sees a woman with her blouse open and her tits are hanging out,

politely the man tells the woman that her blouse is open and her tits are hanging out

the woman screams" oh my god, i forgot my baby in the taxi ! "

An elderly gentleman is walking through the woods.

He's approaching a clearing but notices there's a young couple making out.

The gentleman walks away, so as to not embarrass/interrupt them.

The young lady shouts "oh shit, I left the toaster on at home".




i don't get it



EDIT: dammit my post starts a new page so I'll have to quote the previous post:

AslanTheKing wrote:a man is walking on the street,
he sees a woman with her blouse open and her tits are hanging out,

politely the man tells the woman that her blouse is open and her tits are hanging out

the woman screams" oh my god, i forgot my baby in the taxi ! "

too much XTC

Raptor Jesus wrote:Tell me a funny joke.

Women's rights.

NoSurvivors wrote:

Raptor Jesus wrote:Tell me a funny joke.

Women's rights.

Sorry I got a laugh out of it.

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you £50!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out five pounds and hands it to the mathematician Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the mathematician "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"
The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all of his references. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers but to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him £50. The engineer politely takes the £50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five pounds, and goes back to sleep.

Why can't Johnny talk?

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A couple of jokes that I find funny.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.

We danced in the moonlight. I only had eyes for her. She only had eyes for me. We fell over a cliff!

ManBungalow wrote:An elderly gentleman is walking through the woods.

He's approaching a clearing but notices there's a young couple making out.

The gentleman walks away, so as to not embarrass/interrupt them.

The young lady shouts "oh shit, I left the toaster on at home".

this is the funniest joke i have ever heard,
i was laughing for 2 days without break

AslanTheKing wrote:

ManBungalow wrote:An elderly gentleman is walking through the woods.

He's approaching a clearing but notices there's a young couple making out.

The gentleman walks away, so as to not embarrass/interrupt them.

The young lady shouts "oh shit, I left the toaster on at home".

dogging comes to mind don't know why.

After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust ."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."