Issue 1.
Bank Robbery...
This security picture of a man in dark clothes robbing a gas station was released to the media today.
If anyone has any information on who the robber is, they are asked to call 555-1212. There is a $50,000 reward for information leading to an arrest.
Police warn the citizens of Furben Town, "This guy is dangerous, he is believed to have robbed more than 150 gas stations and convenience stores.
The man in the photo is also believed to be wanted on sexual assault charges involving a white woman with red hair, around age 25."
In Other News...
S.x kitten went to City Hall in Furben town today to give a speech. Heres what she had to say, "Today, I want to address the rumors going around town about me.
I am not a lesbian. I am in a relationship with Xenhu, who is bisexual. He has a boy friend who's name I will not mention... But he gets to spend more time with Xenhu than I do, and I'm sick of it!
So Xenhu, listen up good you cheating bastard, we're through, do you hear me, through!!"
She then stormed off stage to kiss some one. It is unclear who this person was.
Mod Squad...
LackAttack was found today in a Wal-Mart parking lot looking for change on the ground. When asked to comment, he jumped on our reporter pinning him to the ground. Then AK_Iceman, Andy and Fireside_Poet came out of no where and grabbed our reporter.
Our reporter said that they then threw him against a car, punched him in the gut a few times, took his wallet, watch and belt.
Andy took the belt while Ak_Iceman stripped our reporter. LakcAttack then bent him over the hood of a car while Andy whipped away with the belt.
The reported added after the event, "It hurt like hell! Andy must have been with some rough woman in the past..."
Lackattack then put our reporter in the news van while Fireside_Poet lit the front seat covers on fire. Ak_Iceman broke all the locks on the doors so they wouldn't open.
LackAttack and his accomplicie's then fled from the scene with all of our camera gear from inside the van and all of our reporters belongings.
Later firefighters pulled our reporter from the burning van. He's now in a burn center being treated for severe 2nd and 3rd degree burns.
[We later learned that LackAttack, Andy, Ak_Iceman and Fireside_Poet call themselves "The Mod Squad"]
Wicked Awarded...
Today, Wicked was given an award for helping the elderly at a nursing home. When we asked how she felt about winning the award she replied "Well, these old farts need someone to help them, and someday I will be old like them and need help too.
So I might as well help out while i can. I know its hard to believe that I would help our elderly, but I really do want to help. Most people don't get that about me, but a few close friends do."
After she was done talking to our reporter, Cynthia came in and signed up to help the elderly too.
Wicked walked over and said "Hi tere Cynthia, what are you doing here?" Cynthia replied, "Helping the elderly, DUH!"
[Wicked] "Well, you have to leave because I'm here helping, theres no need for two of us." [Cynthia] "Wicked, you need to grow the hell up, more than one person can help the community, don't think your special just for helping. The real reason you help is to win awards and you know it!"
[Wicked] "Fine, I'll leave, but I have some business to take care of first..." Wicked then grabbed an ice cream sundae off of a lunch cart and dumped it down Cynthia's bra. She then pulled a button from her purse labeled "PUSH TO BAN". She pushed the button, banning Cynthia from Furben town forever.
(The pictures above are NOT the real person they are supposed to look like.)
