Conquer Club

This thread is now Hedberg quotes.

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me."

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

-TG

"I got an ant farm...those fuckers didn't grow shit!"

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign. Just an Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

"As a kid sleeping in my twin size bed, I'd lay awake at night wondering where my brother was."

-TG

"I like Kit-Kat. Unless I'm with four or more people."

"People teach their dogs to sit. It's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life. A dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"It's very dangeous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty."

[in response to knocking on the wall from his neighbors because his music's too loud] "Go around! I can't open the wall! You may have a door knob on your side, but I don't."

I may muddle this one up, but I remember it thus:

"I got a new house with two bedrooms. Isn't that up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are? 'And this bedroom has a oven. This one has a hallway. I got a bedroom over in the neighbors house, too. Hey, neighbor, that's my bedroom, stay out.'"

-TG

"I'm sick of soup of the day; it's time to make a decision! I want to know what the f*ck 'soup from now on' is."

Music (way too many taken in the last 40-50 years alone. Will try to keep this list brief):

Keith Moon
Stevie Ray Vaughan
Django Reinhardt (guitarist. Look him up if you don't recognize the name)
Will agree on Freddie Mercury

Acting:

Have to agree on Leslie Neilson.
Marlon Brando

Art:

Pablo Picasso.
Leonardo DaVinci

Literature:

Edgar Allen Poe
Mark Twain

To this list I must add, very sadly, Kevin Ayers. I just heard he died, no details yet.

I've spent a lot of time listening to Kevin since my last post, and thinking about the times I saw him live, the friends I listened to him with .
I actually cried.

What about:



Bill Hicks was an interesting guy.

George Carlin, Jim Henson, and Eddie Murphy who recently died in a snowboarding accident in Switzerland.