Welcome to the 21st issue of the Conquer Club Newsletter!
We apologise for the late edition, we are currently doing a heap of things behind the scenes to improve the newsletter, these changes will hopefully be made known in the next week or so. We have some exciting things in store and we're sure you'll love them too
Due to the current changes going on, we will have to make this issue a short one. But in due time i assure you we will providing a much more comprehensive newsletter for you all to enjoy that much more
So in this issue we have
An Interview with Juan_Bottom
A Newt's Tale
We hope you enjoy this issue!
News Director 1. New features have been added to the game including in-game stats and a live clock. Join in the discussion here, and voice your opinion today! 2. Two new Team CC additions have been announced since our last issue, both RedBaron0 and slowreactor have joined the team as a Cartographer and Chat Moderator respectively. 3. The Cartographers have announced a Christmas Avatar Competition, giving the community the opportunity to create some avatars for them to wear during the holiday season! For more information check out this thread. 4. The Classic Map is being revamped after more than a year of having no official Classic Map. This thread contains all you need to know about the current revamp of Classic, which is being made by sully800. Stop by and comment on the current version and make a suggestion. 5. The Conquer Club Official Fan page for Facebook was released a few weeks ago! Become a fan today and get to know the people you play! More info in this thread.
show: Interview with Juan_Bottom
Q. Hey there Juan
What do you want? Q. So Juan, without the forum would you still visit this site or even have bought premium membership ? Fair question if you know me. Of course I would still visit to play... But I dunno about the premie.... I'm leaning towards "no" though. Q. I've been told that online friends are not real friends. Do you agree with this sentiment, or do you feel that people can form real relationships over the web? I've been told that some people are damned dirty liars. Of course interweb friends can be your real friends. Heck, some people only have online friends (you WoW players especially know what I'm saying). Didn't you notice that CC has a "friends list" that you can add users too? Are you calling lackattack misguided? I outta misguid my foot somewhere if you wanna put down lack. As a matter of fact I have formed real friendships over the web that have prompted real-life meetings. Calidrmr and I hang out all the time. Steve always chickens out though. Q. I've also heard that real girlfriends are not necessarily real. Can you give us your thoughts on this? Is this questioned authored by the same person who submitted the last question? I know this is the internet and all, but do we really have to blur reality so much? See, If she is not real then how is she real? That's not real Conquer Club. Q. Of all your forum topic creations, which are your fondest and why? Good question Conquer Club, but I don't really have any set thread topics that are a favorite. I like the ones that people responded too... Q. Who do you love to see posting in response to your forum topics and why? n00bs. I like it when someone who never posts makes a comment. Most of the OT regular's personality and opinions/beliefs are well established. It's nice to be exposed to something different, and maybe learn something. Unless they are idiots. Q. Where else do you frequent, or have frequented, on the interwebs before Conquer Club? Did you have a similar posting style there as well? Oh man, the loose change forums were epic fun until I was banned (I don't go there anymore) and so was the Glenn Beck forums. Other places I am not giving up... however you can always find me under Juan_Bottom - the same as here. And no, I haven't always had the same posting style. My friends had noticed a while back that in RL my attitude and speech change over time. I create new expressions and sayings and later abandon them as they catch on. The same holds true for the internets. Generally a Juan post feels like a Juan post, but you can definitely see my posting styles change over time. Q. Who is your mortal enemy? Mr. X my high school science teacher. He is also a young earth creationist. And one day, I will drink wine from his skull. Q. What are your views on certain mods openly baiting and posting personal information of other users in this thread? Do you think that they are worthy of maintaining their moderator status with such actions? Listen up Conquer Club, can you believe that I went back to the thread to see specifically what/who this question was about? The thing is Conquer Club, that there are special rules for special individuals. I'm not talking about MODS getting privileges here. I am talking about friends. Those of use who frequent the boards have built a repertoire and so we can get away with more. It's exactly like real life. You let your friends jokingly say things to you that you know strangers couldn't get away with. And to MPJH, SHUT UP OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. Q. What is the last thing you ate? *bites tongue* How about I say pudding cups? Q. If given the opportunity, would you eat it again? Ok! the answer is obviously "NO!" I mean come on, doesn't matter if I let nature take its course or I induce forced vomiting. That is just plain disgusting; why would I eat it again? Who the heck would do something like that? You're a sicko. Q. Do you feel it was beneficial to your health? *bites tongue* Frick yeah, to my state of mental health. It's always pudding time, amirite? Q. Are you still digesting it? And if so, is it in your stomach or intestinal tract? What do you think I am, some kind of Dr? Q. What's your opinion on homeopathy? Ok, so everyone does think that I am some kind of Dr. I can't very well tell people that they can't participate, even if it is discredited or dumb. Conquer Club, I know that many of you are not privileged enough to live in the greatest country ever smiled upon by baby Jesus, but here in America we have a little thing called FREEDOM. And we use FREEDOM to do whatever we want and keep other people from telling us what to do. Except for "the man" but I don't need to lecture you Conquer Club. You see the point is, that you can do what you want and people aren't allowed to stop you unless you are ruining their view. I mean that in more than one way but I don't need to preach to you CC. The point is, I wouldn't stop anyone even if I could, unless they were in no state to make up their own minds. Q. Do you think the CC admins are too far right wing and if so, why do you think that? Well,... nightstrike certainly is. And I think that because of everything that he has said ever. As far as AndyD, OP, or LA go I have no idea. That could be considered "success" on the admin part, or fail depending on your point of view. Since it is my interview, Success wins. Q. Who cuts your hair? Wow thanks for noticing. I am a man, so I do it myself. Like a man. Q. Have you ever wondered why an atheist would believe in Satan? No. Have you ever wondered what it takes to come up with a sensible question? Q. Who are you, who are you really? I'm the Batman Q. Do you like the Cheeseburger or Chicken Nugget Happy Meal? Not a fan of happy meals. They should be called death meals. But I am a fan of cool toys(NERF GUNS RIGHT NOW?!!!). I'm gonna go with Cheeseburger. Q. Have you ever fed a dog oreos, despite being told that chocolate isn't good for dogs? Not Oreos, and how did you find out about it? It's all in the past now anyway, so lets just let it go.The kids have moved on. Q. Juan, have you ever eaten newt? No, I am an American. We don't have to do that here. Q. What are your favorite parts of your body and personality? What are your least favorites? Well I really like having "man bits" like, a lot. That includes my Adams apple (kicks ass). My personality is great too. Not a fan of my broken nose though. Q. Do you have any deeply disturbing memories? I saw a man get murdered by another man wielding a ball peen hammer. I was like 7 or 8. I wasn't scared or anything, even though it was really brutal and happened like 20 feet from me. I just remember the screaming. A guy came running from where--I don't know. He tripped and fell in the middle of the street of the trailer court I grew up in. Another man lept on top of him and hit him in the face with the hammer. The first man yelled "wait" but the hammer hit him before he could finish. The hammer fell a couple of times. But across the street there were maybe 6 or 7 people on a porch. This big lady was screaming "NO NO NO!!!" I later found out that she was the mother of the man swinging the hammer. None of them left the porch though. I don't think anyone in my family ever found out that I had seen it. That was murder #2 on my block. Number one a woman found her husband cheating and crashed his truck through the bedroom. The scar that I have on my scalp, I got that when my birth father smashed a porcelain lamp on my head. The last time I ever saw him he took me with him on a really long walk through Freeport, IL. He packed a lunch box with some toys in it for me, all GI Joes. We came to a ratty house. He knocked, and a white woman answered the door completely naked. She took him by the hand and lead him away from me. A little black girl grabbed my hand and lead me into a "toy room." Anyway, that lady was a prostitute. A little disturbing. On night I was hanging out with my friend Ed in late November, watching movies. 3AM rolls around, so I leave to go home. Now Ed lives on a blacktop, about 9 miles outside of the nearest town, pop 800. That is the way that I am heading. The road looks like this: The bottom pink square is Ed's house. I am driving ^. The road forms into an S curve a half mile ahead, and being cold as it was, I never went over 30MPH. As I am driving down the road I notice something white and bulky in the middle of the road. As I pass it (going 20MPH) I can see very clearly that it is a human arm and the stump is wrapped in a white sheet (the red spot on the road in the pic). WTF!!!???!!!??!!??!?!!?! I start speeding up with the intention of turning around. Then I notice two black military choppers flying low in the field directly right of me (green rectangles). The second is flying right up against the first, and they both have spotlights pointed at nearly the same spot. I can see a third about a mile away in another field searching with it's spotlight. I panic, as anyone would. My eyes were watching the choppers the whole time. Instead of taking the S curve, I go straight. The road ahead is a backroad. The blue box in the picture is a representation of a mailbox. This mailbox sits on a wrought iron base that is covered in vines. As I passed the mailbox someone stood up from behind it. They were hiding there. It was a tall man, wearing a Grey suit, no tie, and his right sleeve was torn badly. His face had some pink on it, like when you rub blood away. Again, I WTFed in a panic. I drove home slowly, with the radio on, listening for Zombie warnings. No joke. I had my stuff packed up and I watched for choppers or anything. To this day I have no idea what I was looking at. We don't have a base anywhere near here. The road I took went down into the valley, which kept me out of sight. There are more of course. Like anytime you grow up in a poor community. But that should suffice. Q. If it turned out eggs really were baby chickens, would they still be as delicious? No. Unless you raised them patiently, and let them grow older. Then you butchered them, and ate their carcasses. That would be delicious. Q. If it turned out that baby chickens were once eggs, would they be good with hollandaise sauce? Nothing is good with hollandaise sauce. And I can't bring myself to eat anything's babies... unless they get older. Q. What are your plans of escape in case of a zombie attack, a velociraptor attack and a zombie velociraptor attack respectively? Of course you know that I cannot tell you my plans. That would endanger my plans... though yeah... obviously they exist in some detail. I can tell you my SNAFU plan is just to steal a boat on the Mispi and go figure it out from there. Velociraptor attack? Are you pulling my leg. That would never happen. And even if id did we would be so F-ed anyway because they can open doors and they like to sneak up behind people and stuff. Let's try to be a little serious here Conquer Club. Q. If you could write a letter to yourself in the past what would you write (after proving it is me) Listen to me Young JB, don't you EVER EVER EVER trust a woman. EVER. TRUST ME on this one. Feelings are gay. Be a man and you will be rewarded! Are you half a man? NO, you're not so you don't need a "better half." Q. If you could write a letter from the future to your current self, what would you write? (after proving it is me) Come on Middle JB how many times do I have to tell me NOT TO TRUST A WOMAN. JUST STOP DOING THAT. I DEPEND ON IT you little punk. I wish that I could beat your ass right now. Q. How many multis do you have? Names? 0, obviously! We have the best hunters on the planet. They know things. Q. What exactly does the "bottom" part of your name mean/symbolize? Well it's my name... my pen name/alias. It might have something to do with Sponge Bob... I don't remember anymore. But if you are reading this THANKS SENIORA. Q. What is the purpose/meaning of your life? Why are you here? To do whatever you tell me to Drill Sergeant. And to judge you. I am an Atheist. Even if my life did have some grand meaning I doubt that I would pay any mind to it. Life is what you make it. Q. What is your level of empathy with the female gender? Have you ever had thoughts of being a woman? Ah, the question. In high school, before finding a steady girlfriend, I was awarded "honorary ovaries" by my lady friends. I was the only guy allowed on "Girls Nights Out." I have always been convinced that it only happened because all of them had a crush on me at one point or another, but I'll never know. Plus I made those nights work, being the life of the party that I am. Most of my close friends however have been ladies. I don't really know why that is? Never thought about being a woman. What a weird question? I hate chick flicks, wouldn't want to have a smaller brain, I don't like to shave let alone use makeup, bras are expensive, they have stinky vaginas.... yeah, it's just not even a thought I would entertain. Q. Have you ever had homosexual thoughts/dreams? No. That's not a bullshit answer. It erks me to no end when I hear people say "everyone is a little bit gay, dude." I am not a Homophobe mind you. I just can't stand naked dudes or anything like that... I hope that translates well. Penises used for humor are alright... art is ok I guess, but to get more to the point I can't even stand porn. I hear all the time how odd it is, but that is my evolution I suppose. Q. Who is your favorite celebrity? Either that "I like Turtles" kid or Ron Paul. Q. What is your favorite country? AMERICA RULES! Q. If you have one, who is/was your favorite American president? I had to pick one just for this interview. After a short deliberation I choose FDR. Q. What is your favourite war of all time? OMFG who is the sicko who asked this question? A favorite time of death and destruction? Someone ban this guy... this is not what Conquer Club is about you know. The Revolutionary War was a bright spot in American history. Q. What is your favorite movie? Genre? Director? Actor? I'm a member of the Cinemaddicts clan. This is an impossible question. I am going to say "Dawn of The Dead." My favorite Director (for today) is Jody Hill. My favorite actor is Neve Campbell. And just to get the facts straight, Steve Oedenkirk is my favorite writer. Q. What is your favorite song? Band? Singer/songwriter? "Desperado" by the Eagles. Shut up CC you can't judge me. I've also listened to "I'm on a Boat" about 10,000 times since last Friday. My favorite band is AC/DC I suppose. You can never go wrong putting in an AC/DC album. Favorite singer though is Alanis Morissette.... shut up Conquer Club. Q. What is your favorite TV show? Writer? Actor? The Office by a mile. I only watch NBC's Thursday night and Fox's GLEE. So whoever writes that stuff is my favorite writer. My favorite TV actor is Mr. T and I really wish someone would cast him again. I would like to see him in a drama... and really see what he can do. You know what I mean Conquer Club? Q. What is your favorite book? Writer? Earnest Hemingway because he wrote The Firm. (Robert Frost) Q. What is your favorite game? Format? I like to play the game of love. But I am not very skilled at some parts.... I need someone to teach this broken soul how to live and love again.... ladies? I also like CC very much. Risk is ok though inferior. You lose all the pieces and the game with 1 map costs as much as membership here. Q. How often do you find yourself somewhere other than the Off Topics Forum? Everyday. But I never seem to fit in anywhere else. If this site were high school: OT = Band Q. Are You Bottom? Yes, I am also middle and top too. But you only see Bottom because it is the end of my name. Q. Do you despair that so many in your country worship a "sky daddy"? Every day. It's inescapable... You can't even buy gas without seeing a cross or seven. Sometimes it makes me feel good about myself like my life competition isn't that stiff.... but overall I mostly feel despair. Q. If you were driving down a road on a stormy night and you drive off the road, how many pancakes does it take to fill a doghouse? Ok, who asked this question? We should banhammer him/her too. #1 what type of dog house? Igloo, Tier, Box... #2 Was the crack good or was it soap? I don't even understand what a storm has to do with it? Q. Do you miss the flame wars forum? Yeah sometimes. I remember the piles of suck that stacked themselves at the end of it's days. But I don't think that is what it was all about. Sometimes I feel like I really need that place back because the mods are not known for looking the other way with flaming. Unless another mod does it... but that goes without saying. Q. If there is one part of this site that you believe could be made better, what would it be? Most every problem I have had I have seen addressed somehow. I think that clan leaders need their mod tools like the ability to edit/delete posts in their forums. Is that still supposed to happen? I also think that the inconsistencies in moderating should be dealt with. It usually doesn't feel like we are being listened to either (but not always). If threads are any indicator, then most everyone has a problem with the secret diplomacy that the mod squad uses too. So yeah,... hammer that out and I wouldn't have anything to criticize. it was actually a bit difficult to think of anything. Everything has at least been discussed. Success! Q. Juan, how much is too much? Much too much? How much too much? (anyone?) Q. Where in God's name is Carmen Sandiego? That game sucked. Stop playing it and pick up a copy of OREGON TRAIL. John dies of a snakebite! Q. What sexual things would you do to if you ever met? Is that sandstone? Why do we have the weirdest people on all the site posting questions? After a quick qoogle I'd like to thank you for finding a new fetish. You are some kind of mega weirdo. I bet that you work in a quarry? Wouldn't it be like sandpaper down there? Dear sweet baby Jesus just no... Q. If you HAD to commit suicide, how would you do it? a gun? Q. Thanks for your time Juan! You're welcome Conquer Club. But you made it all happen. I have a short acceptance speech here so & I hope nagerous doesn't edit this but: And I think that about covers everyone. Thank you all.
show: A Newts Tale
True Confessions of a Newt Here it is: my best friend is a penis. Okay. "Best friend" is a bit strong. Right. I can't even say we are friends. No. I don't know his name. Correct. I have no idea why he has a user-name that is a keyboard created phallus. No. I've never met him. Nor do I know one damn thing about him. Other than this: we have fun playing doubles together. And at CC? That's all that matters. So. You can look at it this way: out of all the doubles partners I've enjoyed playing games with (and I've enjoyed them all), a penis is my favorite play mate. And that just sounds so odd... even to me! But that is the funny thing about CC. I can't say that since I've been here starting in the early summer, that I have necessarily or quickly felt a part of the "more active" community of CC. And by no means do I mean that as an indictment. I'm sure I just need more time. To understand the nuances and ebbs and those occasional flows and the bull sh... hmm... and the changes that have taken place here over the last three years. But it is growing on me, this whole other and unexpected part of CC called "everything else but the game." But as many have said before me, that's all gravy. Potentially, really, really arse-kicking gravy, but gravy nonetheless. And I didn't sign up for the gravy. I paid for the prime rib. To play. Often really poorly. I hope you will continue to do so as well. Play poorly that is. Against me... and a whole WHACK of other people. For there is a huge, HUGE and vibrant CC community out there whose names you haven't heard of. They haven't posted. Nor joined a clan. Nor shot erasers out of their left nostril during a CC imposed recess. There are hundreds, thousands maybe, of interesting and skillful players who play everyday, or once a week, or when their life lets them. And they are odd, and interesting and different and sucky and good and... well, you get the gist. Like my friend the penis. We have a damn good time together. And? We are... uh... holding our own against some pretty average players. And a couple above that. The Elf and his penis. Who knew? So what is the point of all this drivel you ask? In my little Newt brain it isn't about trying to find a "fix" for an occasionally "oh my big toe named Franky" angst filled CC. It is about spreading the lurv and gettin' out there with the rest of the riff-raff. Just like me and my friend the penis: B==D Boner Donor I Got My Kick's (hubba, hubba) On Route 66 Holy Monkey-Business, Not-Necessarily-Safe-For-Work Threads! . Speed Crack will do that to ya I guess. Just don't mention it to elfish_lass... she might just bring up the whole "when was the last time The El Fish took out the garbage" conversation. The Newt hit his 1000th game Pfft. Like I don't have my priorities straight or something! But really, how did that happen?!?! It just seems like yesterday. I fired up a Large Multinational Games Company disk, then hunted the Microsoft Owns the Universe Nets for an online game similar, but VERY different than this, and looked for their game's room. And asked around. And someone in some random game-room chat whispered: psst... dude... check out CC... and do you wanna buy a watch? And here I was. Man. I crossed the millennium. I should have had a party. With all my CC friends!!! Wait. Do you hear cricket's chirping? ~chirp, chirp~ Who knew that I would get sucked into the CC vortex? Not me. I was looking for a place to play a game like this with my brother-in-law in York, England. Haven't even told him about CC yet. I've been stuck in Puget Sound. And a flupping Feudal Battle. And a crazy brain map. (Okay... haven't tried that one yet... but me and the Phallus have pledged to play them all then take on ose Riders TH n O he Storm... T t some very, A later date.) very And I spent my 1000th game at CC with some random dude... whose BUTT I KICKED! A perfect CC present. Thanks dice-haXor! Kill 'em while you love 'em brothers and sisters. Love, and then kill 'em all! E. P.S. And to all my other doubles partners? I love you too! It's just that you don't have user names that inspire an article. ~insert sincere smiley face here~
Stay Tuned for the next issue of the Conquer Club Newsletter for an interview with
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Interview with Snorri1234
New Competition Coming Soon!
Big Changes Coming Soon!
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A Newt's Tale gimil