Welcome Comrades to a Special Edition of the Dispatch! We've got a lot of important articles (as well as fun ones, of course) for you all to read, including two important announcements so enjoy this special mini-issue!
Victor Sullivan -
Newsletter Executive IMPORTANT BULLETIN from lackattack , by Victor Sullivan show
Lackattack will be out for the coming weeks, so he asked the Dispatch staff to release this announcement via the Newsletter. As you know, he's been pushing out updates, and I can officially say this is due to his wanting to finish them before his "vacation". And, because the updates had required out of him more than he expected these last few days, he was unable to type up an important announcement:AndyDufresne , will be resigning within the next few days due to some "Monkey Business" that lackattack did not care to elaborate on: lackattack wrote: I appreciate your concern, Victor, but part of the agreement of his resignation was that neither I nor king achilles share the circumstances that necessitated his leaving. He prefers to remain in the memories of the Conquer Club community as the forums' beloved monkey.
samuelc812 clapper011 MrBenn TheForgivenOne MeDeFe Gilligan
VIRUS ALERT from king achilles , by Dukasaur show
Warning: Trojan Alert king achilles on Fri April 31, 2011 08:28Arms Race! Arms Race! Arms Race! DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, ENTER OR VIEW ANY OF THESE GAMES. Do not make the problem worse by taking your turn in any of the affected games. If you already took a turn in one of these games, you may already be infected. Here are things to watch out for:Level One: Arms Race! HighlanderAttack . If you like to play Arms Race, you've probably already encountered this situation once or twice, so it should be no big deal.support e-ticket and your points will be returned promptly. The support staff do not mind doing this for you, although they will of course consider you a whiny crybaby. For your protection: CC Policy prohibits staff from publicly making jokes about your sad lack of self-esteem. Level Two: Arms Race! immediately post your experiences here. We are attempting to gather a comprehensive list of all players afflicted with this problem. In the meantime, however, try to arrange your games in such a way that you never have 9 troops on a territory. Try using your reinforcement phase to move one of them away, or attacking some territory you don't want, in order to lose some troops, before beginning the attack on the territory that you do want. Of course, CCers who are serious about the game have already installed a ternary correlation filter to guard against this possibility.Level Three: Arms Race! stop planning your moves! Just enter your games, click "Begin Turn" and then click "Auto-attack" repeatedly until you win the game. This approach works especially well in Quads.Level Four: Emmdizzle and automatically sign you up for them, along with a randomly-chosen Cook. This is actually just the game "Working As Designed" and nothing to worry about.Level Five: repeatedly taken turns in your Arms Race! Arms Race! Level Six: POSTREPLY " button at the top of this page, enter your credit card account number and expiry date, and we will take care of the rest for you.Level Seven: pimpdave 's avatar. If your computer is hooked up to your home theatre system, it may go further and start showing you pimpdave 's avatar on your TV screen, on your iPad, even on your ATM receipts.brief exposure, it may be possible to reverse the damage by gazing at natty_dread 's avatar for one hour per day for six days. Just be sure not to sign up for any tournaments during this time!In Conclusion: We are extremely sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. Our servers are amongst the most secure in the country, but there is no such thing as perfect security, and during this one brief moment our defenses were breached.
Congratulations, Extraordinaire! by Victor Sullivan show
Sully Note: safariguy5 took over for nagerous for this interrogation. This issue, we're tackling a rather controversial topic. Banned users!
show: Interrogation of Banned Users
Q: wicked, was that story about your health really true? And if so, have you fully recovered and are you ready and willing to return to being a moderator?lackattack edit: safariguy5 has been put on indefinite vacation. This interview is now over.
"Random" Game Analysis by DoomYoshi show
Game 8434638 randomization . However, this time we double lucked out. Not only do we have our first speed game and our first freestyle game, we also have our first game with a top 10 player. In this case ljex. Now you may have been farmed by ljex (or even accused him of cheating in one of the 3 or 4 threads on the subject), so I will try to avoid the touchier areas.Eternal Damnation into a turn. Australia? Taken. America? Taken. Africa? Taken. cc thought he was tough taking on neutrals? Well, ljex took out 2 neutrals. This game is now in the twilight years. cc goes for Australia and Antarctica, ljex takes it back and more. cc is desperate now, he cashes in early for the small bonus. He has to turn the tide somehow. Before he can even act, ljex's vengeance strikes with an amazing fury. However, all is not lost. cc manages to get a foothold in Europe and starts clearing North Africa.stronghold in Australia. Ljex, however, is fighting some other battle, some other place and misses his turn. Not such a big deal in a Speed Game. With only 5 minutes, it happens all the time. cc is now the dominant power though and he remembers the indignation he felt at the front of ljex's armies. As furious as his treatment was earlier, now it seems like nothing. cc cashes again, ready to destroy. Australia becomes a mere puppet to the horde. South America? Child's Play! As the attacks intensify, ljex gets ready to cash in and show the world why he is 2nd to only Blitz. Except he doesn't. He merely fades away, 100 points poorer.
Advanced Roles and Strategy by safariguy5 show
The Jester What is it? Example How to Play this Role Third Party
Sully Note: DoomYoshi filled in for natty_dread and Army of GOD for the comic: Premium Bounty by DoomYoshi show
So, I am totally sick of just sitting here trying to get points. Obviously I have more money than brains and I have decided that if I can't get medals by being good at the game, I will just buy them. My hope is that if I give away enough bounties, lack will just be forced to give me all kinds of GA medals. Mountains of them. I will all the medals in the world in that bag. To show that I am serious, I need something big and dramatic to start the series off. So, I am offering 5 YEARS PREMIUM HazardZero between now and April 4th. Good Luck, and God Bless.
From all of us fools on the Dispatch - April Fools! Please note that none of these articles (aside from safariguy5's "Advanced Roles and Strategy") have any truth in them.
Victor Sullivan -
Executive Fool ConquerClub Dispatch Fools Committee 
Posted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:41 pm
