Conquer Club

3 strings are walking down the street. One of them decides he wants a drink, so he walks into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender refuses him service and tells him "We don't serve your kind here." Dejected the string returns to his friends and relates the story. The second string excitedly replies "I will get a drink for you!" and marches into the bar demanding a beer. Again the bartender refuses and tells the string to leave. Embarrassed the string sheepishly returns to his friends and explains what happened. The third string pauses a second, thinking. Finally he says "Watch this, I will get you that beer!" He messes up his hair and ties himself into a knot. He then walks briskly and confidently up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies "I told your friends and now I'm telling you, we don't serve strings here!" The string glares back at the bartender and says "I, sir, am not a string! And I would like a beer". The bartender, surprised and caught off guard replies "You are a string, aren't you?" The string replies confidently "I'm a frayed knot!"

What do you call a cow with a twitch?


Beef jerky!


--Andy

2 peanuts walking down the street; 1 was assaulted.

Two buckets of vomit are walking down the street.
One says "I was brought up 'round here."

Confucius says, "Man who run in front of cars gets tired, but man who run behind quickly get exhausted"

One I made up myself:

Why is Barack Obama tired?

He ran for President!

I was in a bar one night and I see a real life pirate. He has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.
I get to talking to him and I ask-
"What happened to your leg?"
Pirate says- "Yarrr, I lost me leg to a shark."
So cool I thought, what a tough guy.
I ask-
"What happened to your hand?"
Pirate says- "Yarrr, I got it chopped off by a cutlass when I was attacking a merchant ship."
So awesome I thought, this guy has led an exciting life.
I ask-
"What happened to your eye?"
Pirate says-
"Err, Umm, well, a Seagull pooped in my eye."
I could not help but giggle a little bit at such a mediocre way in which he lost his eye. Pirate senses my amusement and quickly adds-

"Well, I had just gotten me hook for a hand the day before...."

Confucious say "Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers".

A child once told me this joke. 'Why couldn't the girl swing on the swingset?!?'



'Because she had no arms!'


--Andy

man who stand on toilet high on pot

why is a roach clip called a roach clip?
pot-holder was already taken

Mama tomato, papa tomato, and baby tomato were walking down the street. Baby started to fall behind. Pap went back, stomped on him, and said Catchup!

Did you hear the joke they don't tell looser? No? oh, okay.

I dropped three turds the other day. Two were pretty smart...but the 3rd was nutty.

Jokes about turds are corny.

A sphincter says what?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

on your doorstep? Matt

behind a boat? Skip

hanging on a wall? Art

in the water? Bob

in a hole? Phil

in a bag? Chip

on a shelf? Nick, especially when paired with Nack.

'Why is the cookie crying?'

'Because it felt so crummy.'


--Andy

Why did the squirrel/arboreal rodent collect nuts?

show

What's brown and sticky?

show

What's pink and sticky?

show

What's small, orange, and rolls around on the ground?

show

What's small, green, and has wheels?

show

Why are dinosaurs big, green and scaly?

Cause if they were small, yellow and fuzzy they'd be tennis balls.

What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?

show

2 snakes in the jungle. One turns to the other says
Are we thothe thnakes that squeeth our prey to death, or are we thoth poithionous ones?
The other one says
We are conthritricors, why?
the other one says
becauth I just bit my tongue

Even if the Adam and Eve origin myth is true, you have to be retarded to believe it.

a man with a speach impediment walks into a butchery
he has a look and decides he wants some rissoles
"can i get some pissoles mate?"
"what" says the butcher
"can i get some pissoles please mate?"
"its not a P its an R"
"ok, i'll get some arseoles thanks"

stanley knife wrote:a man with a speach impediment walks into a butchery
he has a look and decides he wants some rissoles
"can i get some pissoles mate?"
"what" says the butcher
"can i get some pissoles please mate?"
"its not a P its an R"
"ok, i'll get some arseoles thanks"

Army of GOD likes this.

A bear walks into the store, "got any grapes?"

Store owner "no, we don't have any grapes"

next day, bear comes in, "got any grapes?"...... "no, we don't have any grapes".

next day, bear. 'got any grapes??""...... "NO, we don't have any grapes!"

next day, bear- "got any grapes?".... store owner "NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR HIDE TO THE WALL!!!!!

next day, bear comes in,... "got any nails?''..... store owner..."no".....
bear, "got any grapes?"

Blind guy and his dog walk into a market, the guy picks the dog up by the leash and starts swinging it round n round. The manager of the store runs up and stops him shouting "hey buddy stop that! WTF do you think you are doing!?" The man says....

show

Frito Bandito wrote:A bear walks into the store, "got any grapes?"

Store owner "no, we don't have any grapes"

next day, bear comes in, "got any grapes?"...... "no, we don't have any grapes".

next day, bear. 'got any grapes??""...... "NO, we don't have any grapes!"

next day, bear- "got any grapes?".... store owner "NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, AND IF YOU ASK ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR HIDE TO THE WALL!!!!!

next day, bear comes in,... "got any nails?''..... store owner..."no".....
bear, "got any grapes?"

or this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

ages since I've heard these...lol....and to continue....

under some leaves? Russell (rustle...just in case...oh nevermind...)

on the stage? Mike

in a mailbox? Bill

oldrisky44 wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...

on your doorstep? Matt

behind a boat? Skip

hanging on a wall? Art

in the water? Bob

in a hole? Phil

in a bag? Chip

on a shelf? Nick, especially when paired with Nack.