https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/dave-barrys-year-in-review-russia-mania-covfefe-and-the-category-5-weirdness-of-2017/2017/12/28/e46e62fa-d54a-11e7-a986-d0a9770d9a3e_story.html?utm_term=.6a0e03830496
Some of my favourite moments:
Another example: We have this vague memory that, for the briefest flicker of a moment, the White House communications director was a pathologically bronze man named Anthony Scaramucci, who — remember, this was the White House communications director — called up a reporter for the New Yorker and informed him, on the record, that he, Anthony Scaramucci, differed from White House chief strategist Steve Bannon in that he, Anthony Scaramucci, THE WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, was not trying to commit an act of self-gratification that would be extremely challenging even for a professional contortionist.
There’s one thing we definitely remember happening in 2017: the “fidget spinner” fad. This was huge, and for a good reason: It was extremely stupid. In terms of mental stimulation, fidget-spinning makes nose-picking look like three-dimensional chess. You mindlessly spin the thing around and around, accomplishing nothing. It’s an idiotic, brain-cell-destroying waste of time.
So it was the perfect fad for 2017.
The perfect artistic achievement was “The Emoji Movie,” which was released in July and was widely hailed by critics as possibly the stupidest movie ever made. It was the fidget spinner of movies.
The most exciting Russian angle concerns an alleged “dossier” that allegedly alleges that Trump allegedly paid some alleged prostitutes to allegedly urinate on an alleged bed that had allegedly been used by President Barack Obama during an alleged visit to Moscow. There appears to be no evidence whatsoever that this allegation is true, but since it involves two U.S. presidents AND prostitutes AND urine, many major news outlets — you know who you are — have no journalistic alternative but to run with it.
●In the Super Bowl, 57-year-old quarterback Tom Brady leads the New England Patriots to a remarkable comeback victory over the Atlanta Falcons that definitely involved cheating. We just don’t know how yet.
For his part, President Tweet declares — and Fox News confirms — that the allegations that Russia helped him are FAKE NEWS and furthermore the Russians had numerous contacts with Democrats, including Barack Obama, the Clintons, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi. This raises the question: If all these Russians were over here making contacts and interfering with our elections, who the hell was running Russia? Poland?
In aviation news, United Airlines (“The Fidget Spinner of Airlines”) breaks new customer-service ground when it decides that a 69-year-old passenger who has already boarded his flight must be “re-accommodated” via a technique similar to the one the Mexican army used to re-accommodate the Texans at the Alamo, leaving him with a concussion, broken teeth and a broken nose. At first United’s CEO defends the airline’s actions on the grounds that, quote, “We have the collective IQ of a starfish.” But after a firestorm of public outrage he apologizes and promises that in the future United will employ a “more humane” re-accommodation policy based on “respect for our customers and, when needed, tranquilizer darts.”
In international news, the United Nations Security Council, in its strongest response yet to continued North Korean missile tests, unanimously passes a resolution threatening to suspend Kim Jong Un’s Netflix account.
acebook announces that it has reached a total of 2 billion users, who in 2017 alone have already posted a total of 17 trillion impassioned statements of their political views, which have changed a total of zero minds.
As the month ends, the Nevada parole board grants parole to O.J. Simpson, who will be released from prison in October, at which time he will join the Customer Compliance Division of United Airlines.
With emotions running high in the wake of Charlottesville, ESPN executives decide to pull announcer Robert Lee off the broadcast of the University of Virginia football game, out of concern that his name might be disturbing to those viewers who are as stupid as ESPN executives.
On the political front, Steve Bannon resigns as chief White House strategist so he can spend more time killing puppies with a hammer.
Speaking of excitement, Hillary Clinton, responding to the insatiable public appetite for reliving the 2016 election over and over and over, comes out with her new tell-all book titled “You Idiots,” in which she candidly reveals that she was in fact a superb candidate and charming human who totally would have won the presidency had it not been for — among many other unfair obstacles that were unfairly placed in her path — James Comey, the Russians, the so-called electoral college, Bernie Sanders, the Democratic National Committee, Anthony Weiner, sexism, Barack Obama, the media, her incompetent campaign staff and the frankly unacceptable stupidity of the American public.
... congressional Republicans finally manage to pass tax legislation, which in its final form is expected to be approximately the same length as “War and Peace” in the original Russian but less intelligible to the average American taxpayer. The consensus of expert media commentators is that the legislation will reduce taxes for the middle class, increase taxes for the middle class, stimulate the economy, destroy the economy, make America great again and LITERALLY KILL MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.
Expert media commentators are the reason that much of the American public has decided to get its information on current events from memes.
In federal groping news, Minnesota Democrat Al Franken announces that he will resign from the Senate on the grounds that, according to him, he didn’t do anything. Harassment allegations also end the careers of two members of the House, Republican Trent Franks of Arizona and Democrat John Conyers Jr. of Michigan. With new scandals surfacing in Washington almost daily, there is talk that the nation may need to reinstitute the draft so that there will be a reserve supply of men available to run the government.
In Alabama, voters send Roy Moore creeping back to the mall.
Also something called bitcoin apparently is a big deal that is making people rich even though nobody has the faintest idea what the hell it is.
As funny as Dave was, he missed quite a few good stories of 2017.
The Tinder Poo Girl
Eden
There's more but I'm running out of energy. This will have to do.
