Conquer Club

Poetry, but it should ideally be in dubious taste.
This to be sung to the tune of "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by the Smiths.

There Is A Wank That Never Dries Out.

"Wank me off,tonight.
Where there's music, and there's people
Who are too young for my shaft...

Wank me off, tonight.
Oh, yank it anywhere, i dont care,
I dont care.
Just suck me in your car,
And please dont spit it out,
Because I've got Hep. C, HIV,
And a touch of the gout.[/u]

(chorus)
"And if a double decker 2Dimes,
Cums just in time,
To wank by your side,
Its nearly as good as wine
And if a ten ton Tonkaed,
Splurts all over us,
To be drenched in cum stubble,
Well, Heavy Cola 'be proud..."

I look into your eyes
So delicate your touch
The melancholy tenderness
as my meat throbbed, hard so much

You're ivory skin releases
the best nature in me
Nah f*ck it, just suck, you dirty slut
I'll shoot, then fall asleep.

A spade, bug spray
Whatever you please.
Anything is useful,
to FIGHT THOSE BEES!

So, wank me off, tonight...
Oh pull it anywhere,
Bend it, rip it, i dont care, i dont care.
Wankedy wank, tonight...
And in the darkened under pass,
I bashed one out,
And Norsey gave me one up the arse...

Wank me off, tonight.
Oh wicked, clapper,wumpy,twilly boy,
Give it a suck,
Dont be coy...

(repeat chorus)
Followed by...
There is a wank,
And it never dries out,
There is a wank,
And it never dries out...
(Repeat until Kleenex go bust)

Norse wrote:I look into your eyes
So delicate your touch
The melancholy tenderness
as my meat throbbed, hard so much

You're ivory skin releases
the best nature in me
Nah f*ck it, just suck, you dirty slut
I'll shoot, then fall asleep.

A rare mixture of the beautiful, the erotic and the down right bitch slapping they deserve.
I need to take a moment

suggs wrote:
A rare mixture of the beautiful, the erotic and the down right bitch slapping they deserve.
I need to take a moment

Don't be sad, me ol' mate..

There are many oppressed ladies, willing to be wined/dined then spat over whilst copulating.

Sugg, you've helped me learn to love again.

And i now know that love and gobbing all over someones funbags are not incompatible.
Thank you Norse.

Sung to the tune of The Beverly HillBillys:

There was this guy, his name was uncle Jed,
He liked to fuk and he got a lot o' head,
And then one day while lookin' for a screw!
Out of the house came a runnin' big Sue!

Big Sue that is, fat beeyatch, easy fuk!

Well, when Jed got home, he saw his wif a standin' there,
She had a real ugly face, 'bout as angry as a Bear,
She said,"Hey, Mutherfuker, better run as fast as you can!"
And she took aftar him with a fryin' pan.

Fryin' Pan that is, big hunk o' iron, gives lumps on the head!

Well, Jed gotta way and went to Betty Lou,
He sweet talked her to see what he could do,
She said,"I give good head, but it's far from being free!"
So when he stuck it in her mouth, he took a great big pee!

Pee that is, Mellow Yellow, relief at last!

Betty Lou got mad and took a great big bite,
Jed looked down, Oh, what an awful sight!
He said,"Hey thar Beeyatch, that wasn't very swift!"
Jed keeled over, now he is a stiff!

A stiff that is, dead and buried, kicked the bucket!

Well Jed went to Heaven to try to be let in,
Saint Peter told Jed that he committed too much sin.
He said,"You can't get pass these Pearly Gates!"
So he sent ol' Jed to the other place!

Other place that is, the Devil's Roost, Satan's Pit!

Well the Devil said,"Boy, you're a sorry sight,
You fuked all day and you fuked all night,
You're pretty bad worse than I've ever been,
So I am sending you back to start all over again!"

Over again that is, fresh start, new beginning!

Well Jed is back with his condom in his hand,
He fuked all the women all across this great land.
They said,"Jed's the best, the best we've ever known!"
Jed called a cab and trotted right on home!

Home that is, hang your hat and stay awhile!

Well when Jed got home, guess what he did find.
He found his wife screwin' a man of forty-nine.
Jed grabbed his gun and shot off his ass,
And that guy got outa bed pretty goddamned fast!

Goddamned fast that is, Mach 4, fukin' cruisin'!

Well Jed fuked his wife and she gave him head,
Jed's wife told Jed that he would soon be dead,
She said,"That was Rock Hudson who I just got laid!"
Jed washed his dick, but now he has AIDS!

AIDS that is, sexually transmitted disease, Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome!

Wash your dick off! Put a condom on! You all come back now, ya hear!

Take it please

Take it please
Take my heart from me
Take it, would you
Take my love, set me free

Take it please
Take my offer of dinner
Take it, would you
I hear that the Steak is a winner

Oh won't you take it up the ass
Take it up the assssssssssssss
for me

Take it please
Take me for a ride
Take my fucking credit card
There's quite alot to buy

Take it please
Take My mates away from me
I'll be sitting on my tod
Whilst their swinging around in tree's

Oh won't you take it up the as
Take it up the asssssssssss
for me.

Great stuff Da Gip.
Thats why i stick to having sex with my one true love, ie me.

There was a young man from LaPlace
Whose balls were made out of brass
He clanged them together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.


Honibaz

quality arse, cheers boys.
"Heaven Knows I'm Wanking Now"

"I was having a wank when..."
Hang on, what am i doing?
Back in fiive...
Lets be honest. Two.

My Weiner

When I am alone and in bed,
And I am quite yearning for porn,
I grab the knob o' me head,
And pump it 'til the rise o' the morn.

My weiner stands straight as a missile,
Looking for enemy ships.
I rub me oysters and whistle,
A tune to ascend me lips.

Me eyes they's crossed for Snapper,
Looking deep within me mind,
For images o' Wicked or Clapper,
Stroking me monkey so kind.

Then a strange feeling came 'fore me,
Me body all numb it did go.
The air was full o' bright colours to see,
And it was pleasing from head to toe!

Ah, a good wank job finally came to term!
Me mornin' mission complete!
What do I do with this handful o' sperm?
Hmmm...well, I hadn't yet anything to eat.

Cheers!

Author
DaGip

DaGip wrote:My Weiner


My weiner stands straight as a missile,
Looking for enemy ships.

DaGip

Me Oysters

Me oysters are clammy in me pajamie,
I need to air them out so.
Me oysters are slimy, I think they are limy,
Waiting for me hand to come low.

A rub a dub dub, me oysters I rub,
Thinking of me darling sweetheart.
Me oysters they jingle, me oysters they tingle,
To get me jerkin' to start!

Me oysters in trance, me oysters will dance,
To the composer of this symphony.
Me oysters are loyal, all covered with oil,
'Tis no cost, 'tis free, and no money!

Me oysters they raise, me oysters I praise,
Like twin gods from Heaven above.
Me oysters do glow, and my load I do blow,
All in the meaning of Love!

Cheers!
Author
DaGip

You have a talent DaGip..good stuff.

Me n my boat

I sail my ship off, her maiden voyage
Guiding her gently, as waves lap around
So neat and tight
I'll be up all night
With my mast upright, through her wailing sound

Exploring new, and foreign lands
With my navigation, no spot I will not touch
The fruiful flavour
She'll be my saviour
I'll plunder hard, until she's loaded much

To the theme of "Tightrope" - The stone roses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyG4V2DBW9w

Hard-on

You could have been an angel
It would have suited you
My large, warm, meaty angel
I know just what to do

In the Sunlight of morning
In my world, between the sheets
I swear I saw it's ascending charms
My vision, was complete

And I know, I'd never want another lover, so true
Can there be more in this world, than the joy of just rubbing you
I don't just know what to feel
What someone tell me my love's real

Are we etched in stone or just, scratched in the sand
Waiting for your hardening, in my gentle hand
Will the Vinegar-streak, the sweetness and strife
Splurt out mercilessly, my 2-balled plank of life

I've got a hard-on baby, 9 inches high
Swaying in the clouds, to the perversion in my mind
I've got a hard-on baby, one thing I've found
I just don't want to stop, but it's a long, long
Long way down

Norse wrote:To the theme of "Tightrope" - The stone roses

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyG4V2DBW9w

Hard-on

You could have been an angel
It would have suited you
My large, warm, meaty angel
I know just what to do

In the Sunlight of morning
In my world, between the sheets
I swear I saw it's ascending charms
My vision, was complete

And I know, I'd never want another lover, so true
Can there be more in this world, than the joy of just rubbing you
I don't just know what to feel
What someone tell me my love's real

Are we etched in stone or just, scratched in the sand
Waiting for your hardening, in my gentle hand
Will the Vinegar-streak, the sweetness and strife
Splurt out mercilessly, my 2-balled plank of life

I've got a hard-on baby, 9 inches high
Swaying in the clouds, to the perversion in my mind
I've got a hard-on baby, one thing I've found
I just don't want to stop, but it's a long, long
Long way down

You should write one to this little diddy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm8d9NO0HUg

Rub you - to the tune of "love you"..can';t for the life of me remember the original artist...so here is a plagarised version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwWIez82 ... re=related

I don't, know why, I rub you soo much
I gave you all, of my best touch
But now you're, flaccid
after another hardcore sesh
of thunder-bolted flesh
I forgot to get the tissue, to clear the mess

f*ck it i'll just rub it into the sheet
Maybe I'll smear it over my comp-seat
Maybe I'll just rub it into the my socks
Who opens the bin might be in for a shock

So now we're, sorted, 'cept I see a pic of trish
With her big ass in that thong, for it, oh I wish
But now it's, back again
with that glisten in it's eye
It's standing mighty high
I just can't seem to say no, oh my

f*ck it i'll just rub it into the sheet
Maybe I'll smear it over my comp-seat
Maybe I'll just rub it into the my socks
Who opens the bin might be in for a shock

Norse wrote:Rub you - to the tune of "love you"..can';t for the life of me remember the original artist...so here is a plagarised version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwWIez82 ... re=related

f*ck it i'll just rub it into the sheet
Maybe I'll smear it over my comp-seat
Maybe I'll just rub it into the my socks
Who opens the bin might be in for a shock

Genius

Norse wrote:Rub you - to the tune of "love you"..can';t for the life of me remember the original artist...so here is a plagarised version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwWIez82 ... re=related

I don't, know why, I rub you soo much
I gave you all, of my best touch
But now you're, flaccid
after another hardcore sesh
of thunder-bolted flesh
I forgot to get the tissue, to clear the mess

f*ck it i'll just rub it into the sheet
Maybe I'll smear it over my comp-seat
Maybe I'll just rub it into the my socks
Who opens the bin might be in for a shock

So now we're, sorted, 'cept I see a pic of trish
With her big ass in that thong, for it, oh I wish
But now it's, back again
with that glisten in it's eye
It's standing mighty high
I just can't seem to say no, oh my

f*ck it i'll just rub it into the sheet
Maybe I'll smear it over my comp-seat
Maybe I'll just rub it into the my socks
Who opens the bin might be in for a shock

That is pure glory, my freind...let me try one!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrS59k1Z ... re=related

Blow Me Load All Over Me Keyboard

I'll blow me load all over me keyboard,
When DaPompey beat the Scum
No I won't try to wipe it off
When I blow me load on Southhampton!

Second Verse, same as the first...sing over and over again....ad infinitum
ad infinitum, ad infinitum, ad infinitum, ad infinitum...

I never watch Football (American style only)...but after watching a few Pompey vids, I have an urge to be a Portsmouth fan. Norse, what have you done to me!

I don't want no suggs
Obviously I don't mean it...

Chorus to "Scrubs" - TLC

No, I don't want no suggs
A Suggs is a guy who can't get no love from me
Takes it up the back-passage side, from his best friend "Clive"
Trying to put one up me