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How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:01 pm
by SnakeySnakey
The explanation really isn't that fantastic and if you're hoping for some grand adventure then you're reading this fort the wrong reason. If you're thinking I'm going to explain how I'm an idiot then you're also here for the wrong reason.

This was bad luck. It could have happened to anyone with a bit of curiosity. It could have happened to anyone with an excitement for the unkown. However it happened to me. So I will regail you with my tale.

On the morning of June 3rd 2008, I woke up feeling rather randy. I decided that morning that I would finally venture beyond the priliminary stages of anal play and into the previously unknown world of full out sodomy. Though I feared for my very soul, I knew this was something I had to experience.

What would I use though? What could I find in my parents house that would allow me to conquer my objective. "No", I thought to myself. I would not stoop down to that level. I could not use something belonging to someone else in order to bring myself pleasure in such a sinful way. Opening the screen door, I ventured into the backyard.

Almost immediatley I saw it. It was beautiful. A large wooden stick. About eight inches in length, smooth to the touch. I was hard in an instant just thinking about it. Picking up the stick, I rushed back into my abode, down the stairs and back into my lair.

After cleaning up the stick a little, I widdled the end into a point. The knife slipped slightly causing a small incision to appear nearly half way through the wood. I thought nothing of it at the time, oh how very wrong I was.

Carefully, I spread lubrication along the greater length of the stick, allowing some dry space where I would grip it. I bent over on my bed, sheets black and freshley washed and began inserting the point of the stick into my waiting love hole.

I noticed that the stick slid in with ease as it was not very wide. The sensation was unexplainable. Like nothing I had ever experienced before. Then tragedy struck.

After four inches was fully submersed into my rectum, I winced in pain. The slight crevice in the stick I had created with my knife accidentally, slid along my skin causing a cut. This caught me by surprise and I jerked in an awkward motion. Much to my dread the stick broke off. The remaining piece was firmly encased inside my body, in such an angle as to be impossible for myself to remove.

So here I am now, holding half a broken stick with a few drops of ass blood on it, fearing for my life. Should I be off to the emergency room this very moment ? This, only CC can advise me on.

Summary: I got a 4 inc piece of wood stuck in my rectum.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:03 pm
by Anarkistsdream
I shouldn't be laughing at something this wrong, but it is TOO funny.

My suggestion: Jump into a wood chipper.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:04 pm
by Neoteny
Glorious.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:08 pm
by Shadowstar
WOW... My advice, get your ass in the emergency room. (Pun intended)

And don't play with sticks anymore. Not too smart. [-X

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:13 pm
by Frigidus
A vacuum cleaner should do the trick, just J-J-JAM IT IN!!!!!

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:18 pm
by SnakeySnakey
My only real concern about going to the ER is that my dear mother works there as a nurse. She is on shift until after dinner tonight. Do I risk allowing it to fester for so long?

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:21 pm
by Dancing Mustard
Man, you don't need no fancy Dr. Just call a friend you can trust and tell them to bring a torch and some pliers.

Sure, it's going to sting for a few days, but you'll be right as rain by the end of the month.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:41 pm
by heavycola
jam some termites up there and give them a day or two.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:49 pm
by Juan_Bottom
You could also try soaking your butt in some water. The wood will expand(this will hurt a lot). Then you must dry your butt with a hairdryer or something. As the wood drys, your newly expanded rectum will be too big for the wood. You should be able to pull it out efffortlessly then.


Or you could probably try any of the tricks you learned about as a kid. You know, how to pull out that loose tooth for the tooth fairy? Maybe try tying the wood to a doornob, and then close the door?

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:51 pm
by jiminski
I shall try not to judge you brother!

but it remind me of Matthew Chapter 7 verse 3

"And why beholdest thou the piece of sawdust that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the log that is up his brown-eye!?"

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:04 pm
by MeDeFe
Just two minor corrections courtesy of the grammar nazis.

*regale
*preliminary


thank you.

And good story.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:24 pm
by El Capitan X
Image

Nice story.


ECX

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:41 pm
by suggs
heavycola wrote:jam some termites up there and give them a day or two.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:12 pm
by Pedronicus
heavycola wrote:jam some termites up there and give them a day or two.

if you need to get rid of the wood quicker than 2 days, stuff a beaver up yer bum

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:18 pm
by Juan_Bottom
I love how the CC family is coming together to help our friend SNAKEYSNAKEY. It tugs on the heartstrings.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:44 pm
by suggs
Which website did you get that story from Snakey?

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:40 pm
by snifner
Rectum? Damn near killed em!

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 10:50 pm
by jonesthecurl
A friend of mine did a similar thing, not to himself but to his only friend.
And then he widened the circle of his aquaintance.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:21 pm
by MajorRT
I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ; hopefully right now you are there....you will need to get it out...manually disimpacted [-X

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:30 pm
by muy_thaiguy
Either, A) You really ARE that stupid to do something like that or B) you made it up/found it on another site.

Either way, it was hilarious! :lol:

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:40 pm
by Frigidus
muy_thaiguy wrote:Either, A) You really ARE that stupid to do something like that or B) you made it up/found it on another site.

Either way, it was hilarious! :lol:


It's weird, he continues to pump out copy pasta quality stuff, but I don't think any of it is actually copy pasta. He's got a talent.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:56 am
by Snorri1234
MajorRT wrote:I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ;


"Well I was tired so I sat down on the chair but I didn't notice that beer bottle standing there so uhm..."

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:05 am
by jonesthecurl
Snorri1234 wrote:
MajorRT wrote:I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ;


"Well I was tired so I sat down on the chair but I didn't notice that beer bottle standing there so uhm..."


...slipped and fell in the shower...

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:07 am
by heavycola
jonesthecurl wrote:
Snorri1234 wrote:
MajorRT wrote:I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ;


"Well I was tired so I sat down on the chair but I didn't notice that beer bottle standing there so uhm..."


...slipped and fell in the shower...


...i wanted to see what it would be like to shove a vacuum cleaner up my arse...