Conquer Club

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. You see, it's detachable. This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out, when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it. So I called up the place where the party was, they hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet 'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes...But not this time. So I told them if it pops up to let me know. I called a few people who were at the party, but they were no help either. I was starting to get desperate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house, and calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast. Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on.

I was happy again. Complete.

People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis.


I'd like to take credit for this, but I can't:
http://www.anysonglyrics.com/lyrics/k/k ... epenis.htm

I've heard of you.
I said to an old girlfriend, "How's your love-life these days?"
And she said "Oh, you know. On and off."

jonesy you promised you wouldn't tell

Now you've let the pussy out of the bag...

*checks bag* nope pussy is still there but where in the hell did that damn cock go
here chicken here boy

this is REALLY old copypasta...

Wow, that song was lame even in 1992, and back then, we were all giggling about anything that would annoy Tipper Gore.

Whatever happened to King Missile, anyway?

Guess they had a detachable talent...

NO SUGGSY! DON'T EAT THAT!

Oh, um ,Mr McCockismissin, we have a slight confession to make...

jonesy control him he is eating that poor guys peewee

too late
Sugggsy says [burp] sorry!

PRO: you would have your own theme song

Why stand to do something you can do sitting down? This obsession with standing, spraying piss all over the floor, walls and toilet and then feeling all warm inside because of it just bewilders me. Its a bit like the most outwardly straight guys are the most inwardly confused thing, perhaps standers have to stand because their dicks are to short to poke between their legs comfortably, I don't know, but when at home (clearly sitting in grubby public toilets is a different thing) sit down, relax and don't spray piss all over your house like your 7.

Bertros Bertros wrote:Why stand to do something you can do sitting down? This obsession with standing, spraying piss all over the floor, walls and toilet and then feeling all warm inside because of it just bewilders me. Its a bit like the most outwardly straight guys are the most inwardly confused thing, perhaps standers have to stand because their dicks are to short to poke between their legs comfortably, I don't know, but when at home (clearly sitting in grubby public toilets is a different thing) sit down, relax and don't spray piss all over your house like your 7.

Because sitting down is an extra step? Are you not able to stand and pee? You seem to have some anger associated with that.

Peeing standing up is great! .. it is natural and feels right! Peeing standing-up outside, against a tree or just out in the open, on the grass is also liberating and a joyous feeling.. Like running naked in the rain whilst singing Take That songs!

.. i am sure there would be a lot less problems with hemorrhoids, constipation and so-forth if we could crap anywhere we fancied, in the natural squatting position... but alas good manners and issues of broader health preclude!

Having to abase oneself into a demeaning squat in order to piss has been the basis of penis envy from time immemorial. For this reason we invented toilets, but our feeble attempt here to placate our women exploded in our faces when they just used it as an opportunity to bitch when we left the seat up. Pissing outside enrages women because it's a freedom they don't have, so now we have laws which deny us that pleasure.

I for one will continue to piss standing up, and when i am bitched at for leaving the seat up, i will piss with it down. If that doesn't work i will piss in the sink. I will also continue to piss out of doors, and will cock my leg whilst doing so.


Honibaz

Bets on how long until Clapper locks this?

I told my girlfriend the other day that I'll put the seat down when I'm done if she puts it up when she's done.

Matroshka wrote:I told my girlfriend the other day that I'll put the seat down when I'm done if she puts it up when she's done.

good idea, a comprimise.

...and who said women can't piss outdoors. you've not been in some of the City centres over here.

b.k. barunt wrote:Having to abase oneself into a demeaning squat in order to piss has been the basis of penis envy from time immemorial. For this reason we invented toilets, but our feeble attempt here to placate our women exploded in our faces when they just used it as an opportunity to bitch when we left the seat up. Pissing outside enrages women because it's a freedom they don't have, so now we have laws which deny us that pleasure.

I for one will continue to piss standing up, and when i am bitched at for leaving the seat up, i will piss with it down. If that doesn't work i will piss in the sink. I will also continue to piss out of doors, and will cock my leg whilst doing so.


Honibaz

Exactly BK... When confronted about my habit of leaving the toilet seat up after peeing, i always tell those of the feminine persuasion that they were jolly lucky i was so considerate and did not pee all over the seat!
If protestation persists, then i take to the habit of peeing on the seat and then lifting the toilet seat up afterwards. thus giving them the misconception that i had not in fact peed on the seat and they are not in fact sitting on my urine!

now that, i think you will agree, is the behaviour of a true gentleman!

I for one am impressed at your chivalry.


Honibaz

b.k. barunt wrote:Having to abase oneself into a demeaning squat in order to piss has been the basis of penis envy from time immemorial. For this reason we invented toilets, but our feeble attempt here to placate our women exploded in our faces when they just used it as an opportunity to bitch when we left the seat up.

I never understood why it is a man's responsibility to assure the seat is in the most convenient position for the vaginators. When I ask my girlfriend to make sure she puts the seat up after she's done, she glares at me like I've asked her to go for a back alley abortion. Why can't these relationships work both ways?

You all seem to misunderstand me. I love to piss outdoors, against trees, cars and up the legs of particularly sedantary prostitutes but when in the comfort of my own home I like to sit, relax, read and most importantly not piss all over my house. I'm sure someone is going to come out with some clever remark about how they either a) are super accurate and never miss which is clearly bullshit or b) have such a long cock they couldn't which is also bullshit. Maybe you are all exceptionally short to the point of embarassment and have only a few inches to piss to get it in the pan, which is a shame for you as the rest of us are laughing at you standing on tip toes to order a beer but I suspect that in reality your bathroom floor, walls and toilet are covered in piss. How awfully quaint, even medieval, but also really quite unpleasant. Oh well good luck to you and your pissy carpets, I hope it reaffirms your sense of manhood to have to put shoes on to go to the toilet.

Get lino man and piss as god intended!

jiminski wrote:Get lino man and piss as god intended!

To piss on lino would be a travesty, an absolute injustice, the only thing god intended for lino was breakdancing, i'd rather you pissed on the carpet than my lino.

Bertros Bertros wrote:

jiminski wrote:Get lino man and piss as god intended!

To piss on lino would be a travesty, an absolute injustice, the only thing god intended for lino was breakdancing, i'd rather you pissed on the carpet than my lino.

heh! will Do BB!