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Kicked out of TOFU

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Kicked out of TOFU

Postby .SCuD. on Tue Apr 02, 2019 5:09 am

So I just wanted to clear something up before the rumour mill does it's thing as a few people seem to know already!
This morning I found out I've been kicked out of TOFU.

I imagine this isn't that interesting to most of you, but as word gets around, I just wanted to make what happened known publicly. That way, you can make your own assessment (or don't bother, as there are better things to do!). At least if you choose to think I'm a bad guy, you'll be making your decision off accurate info!

The incident that caused TOFU to give me the old boot:
In game, an old established TOFU member said "but I bet you get off on hitting women too dont you . So shut the f*ck up dont speak another word"
I reacted quite strongly to that. Perhaps because a few female family members suffered at the hands of domestic violence, perhaps just because it's quite an awful thing to say.
I dropped the "C-Bomb" at them, a few times. They got offended, so I told them not to be a "C-Bomb" and maybe they wouldn't get called it. Etc etc, and things escalated (on both sides).
They then posted on my wall multiple times, each time reposting the same thing after I had deleted it. Eventually after 3-4 times of this happening, I posted on their wall once, and they proceeded to say that by posting on their wall I was stalking them.

Of course, there was back and forth before that, and whilst I don't think I was the main culprit, I certainly could have reacted better. That's pretty much the crux of it though, I'm out.
TOFU didn't give me the chance to apologise, although to be honest I wouldn't have anyway so maybe that's for the best! I think that reaction is entirely acceptable in response to such a statement. I would do the same again.
It is particularly surprising to me that someone who lists #metoo as an occupation would treat violence toward women with such trivial disdain.

I don't really mind not being in TOFU. I got on well with about half the people there, but had already placed myself as inactive for clan games due to internal concerns that had been expressed by more than one of the newer members.

Anyway, who knows what the future holds for me. I suspect it will be good :)


Edit: Whilst I can't apologise to the person in question, I want to add that I can and do apologise to the friends I have in Tofu for not being the best version of myself in this situation. I don't think what I did was unacceptable, but neither was it optimal. Had I acted optimally, I'm sure this would have been avoided. Enjoyed playing with most of you, and it's a shame to end on a negative.
Last edited by .SCuD. on Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:34 am, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby Chariot of Fire on Tue Apr 02, 2019 6:43 am

.SCuD. wrote:So I just wanted to clear something up before the rumour mill does it's thing as a few people seem to know already!
This morning I found out I've been kicked out of TOFU.

I imagine this isn't that interesting to most of you, but as word gets around, I just wanted to make what happened known publicly. That way, you can make your own assessment (or don't bother, as there are better things to do!). At least if you choose to think I'm a bad guy, you'll be making your decision off accurate info!

The incident that caused TOFU to give me the old boot:
In game, an old established TOFU member said "but I bet you get off on hitting women too dont you . So shut the f*ck up dont speak another word"
I reacted quite strongly to that. Perhaps because a few female family members suffered at the hands of domestic violence, perhaps just because it's quite an awful thing to say.
I dropped the "C-Bomb" at them, a few times. They got offended, so I told them not to be a "C-Bomb" and maybe they wouldn't get called it. Etc etc, and things escalated (on both sides).
They then posted on my wall multiple times, each time reposting the same thing after I had deleted it. Eventually after 3-4 times of this happening, I posted on their wall once, and they proceeded to say that by posting on their wall I was stalking them.

Of course, there was back and forth before that, but that's pretty much the crux of it, I'm out, and woman beater abuse accuser is in.
TOFU didn't give me the chance to apologise, although to be honest I wouldn't have anyway so maybe that's for the best! I think that reaction is entirely acceptable in response to such a statement. I would do the same again.
It is particularly surprising to me that someone who lists #metoo as an occupation would treat violence toward women with such trivial disdain.

I don't really mind not being in TOFU. I got on well with about half the people there, but had already placed myself as inactive for clan games due to internal concerns that had been expressed by more than one of the newer members.

Anyway, who knows what the future holds for me. I suspect it will be good :)
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby 2dimes on Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:33 am

tl:dr Called the wrong bimbo a cow?


Chariot of Fire wrote:
.SCuD. wrote:So I just wanted to clear something up before the rumour mill does it's thing as a few people seem to know already!
This morning I found out I've been kicked out of TOFU.

I imagine this isn't that interesting to most of you, but as word gets around, I just wanted to make what happened known publicly. That way, you can make your own assessment (or don't bother, as there are better things to do!). At least if you choose to think I'm a bad guy, you'll be making your decision off accurate info!

The incident that caused TOFU to give me the old boot:
In game, an old established TOFU member said "but I bet you get off on hitting women too dont you . So shut the f*ck up dont speak another word"
I reacted quite strongly to that. Perhaps because a few female family members suffered at the hands of domestic violence, perhaps just because it's quite an awful thing to say.
I dropped the "C-Bomb" at them, a few times. They got offended, so I told them not to be a "C-Bomb" and maybe they wouldn't get called it. Etc etc, and things escalated (on both sides).
They then posted on my wall multiple times, each time reposting the same thing after I had deleted it. Eventually after 3-4 times of this happening, I posted on their wall once, and they proceeded to say that by posting on their wall I was stalking them.

Of course, there was back and forth before that, but that's pretty much the crux of it, I'm out, and woman beater abuse accuser is in.
TOFU didn't give me the chance to apologise, although to be honest I wouldn't have anyway so maybe that's for the best! I think that reaction is entirely acceptable in response to such a statement. I would do the same again.
It is particularly surprising to me that someone who lists #metoo as an occupation would treat violence toward women with such trivial disdain.

I don't really mind not being in TOFU. I got on well with about half the people there, but had already placed myself as inactive for clan games due to internal concerns that had been expressed by more than one of the newer members.

Anyway, who knows what the future holds for me. I suspect it will be good :)
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby HitRed on Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:55 am

Please take a look at RET. I have never been insulted by anyone in our clan. O:)

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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby Jdsizzleslice on Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:00 am

Moved to Clans, since this is a Clan related post.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby Doc_Brown on Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:36 am

For what it's worth, Scud, I highly doubt anyone it TOFU would have been spreading rumors about your departure. We've removed other people in the past that weren't good fits for various reasons. I made some of those decisions back when I was a TOFU leader, and others have made those decisions at various points. I don't think there were quiet disparaging whispers about any of them or the reasons for their departure. The current clan leaders made the final call on this situation. I'm sure any of them would be willing to discuss further in private. I'm certainly willing to give you my thoughts via PM if you wish.

Since you wanted to make it a public spectacle, I will offer a couple brief comments.
.SCuD. wrote:In game, an old established TOFU member said "but I bet you get off on hitting women too dont you . So shut the f*ck up dont speak another word"

I have 4 kids ranging in ages from 5 to 10, and they frequently do not get along with each other. It's not uncommon that one of the kids will be in trouble for hitting another or for doing something ugly. When I sit that one down for discussion and punishment, he'll start his explanation with, "He started yelling and screaming at me and called me [whatever], and I got mad and hit him." My immediate question is always, "He started yelling and screaming out of the blue with no precipitating events? You're completely innocent here?"

.SCuD. wrote:TOFU didn't give me the chance to apologise, although to be honest I wouldn't have anyway

It may well be that this response from you was already fully apparent based on other interactions. If so, that would certainly have simplified the decision making process.

.SCuD. wrote:Anyway, who knows what the future holds for me. I suspect it will be good :)

Indeed! I'm not a TOFU leader at this point and can speak only for myself, but I wish you all the best. Other former TOFU members have found places where they ultimately were a better fit and it worked out well for everyone. I'm sure it will be the same for you, and I look forward to out future exchanges from opposite sides of the game board! :twisted:
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby .SCuD. on Tue Apr 02, 2019 9:23 am

Thanks Doc, a worthy opponent for the future, that's for sure!

You are right too, I'm not without fault in this whole scenario. I played my part in the build up to the crux. I am more than willing to apologise where I have wronged someone, and have done plenty in the past. I'm not unapologetic in general, but in this scenario I guess I just think every word I said was fully deserved.

Does that mean I should have said it ? Well, probably not. Better men than me would have taken the high road, I'm sure.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby rockfist on Tue Apr 02, 2019 9:28 am

by rockfist on Mon Apr 01, 2019 10:07 pm
I was going to try to write something here and I had about four diffferent drafts, but I think the less said about this the better. The whole sequence just saddens me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's what I wrote internally on this matter, but I don't mind sharing that in public.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby loutil on Tue Apr 02, 2019 2:24 pm

I live in a world where I take 100% responsibility for my actions. Blaming others implies that others have power over me and I am unwilling to accept that. We can agree that what was said to you was inappropriate. However, it was YOUR choice to respond as you did. Evolving to a better person will allow you to resist the urges of your impulses. You and everyone around you will be better for it.
To be clear: I am not giving approval to what was said to you. As I stated, it was inappropriate.

I see life as a collection of teachable moments. I hope this is one of those moments for you...
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby Caymanmew on Tue Apr 02, 2019 3:41 pm

People leave clans, people get kicked. That happens in clans. Public post like this do not belong. Should everyone who leaves a clan or gets kicked make a public post?

If your worried about your reputation due to rumors, posting before the rumors even start is a really bad way to defend yourself. It just makes you look guilty. For most people the first (and probably only) time they hear of any problem is from you defending yourself publicly. If you kept silent 90% or more of the clan world probably never know a problem even happened. Now a much larger amount will.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby Chariot of Fire on Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:25 pm

Cayman is quite right. This whole incident was kept between a very small circle of people, i.e. the injured party, heads of clan, a clan mod and your tribe leader. It didn't go beyond that group - much to the annoyance of fellow clan members - as it was considered a very personal matter and members have always trusted the judgment of clan heads.

You've really let the cat out of the bag on this one and your post neither covers you in glory nor garners sympathy and for that I'm sorry. There was a time you and I got along very well; a friendship that even went beyond the boundaries of CC. Alas no more.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby MTIceman41 on Tue Apr 02, 2019 11:40 pm

Didn’t meet Rock’s 1 rep max?
Got caught eating a steak in front of clanheads?

Joking aside it’s tough seeing a good strategist leave a top tiered clan...this site needs to maintain good players and good people...

Not to get too nostalgic but 2008 when I joined there were so many damn amazing players and people that have since left...reconciliation perhaps?
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby .SCuD. on Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:47 am

loutil wrote:I live in a world where I take 100% responsibility for my actions. Blaming others implies that others have power over me and I am unwilling to accept that. We can agree that what was said to you was inappropriate. However, it was YOUR choice to respond as you did. Evolving to a better person will allow you to resist the urges of your impulses. You and everyone around you will be better for it.
To be clear: I am not giving approval to what was said to you. As I stated, it was inappropriate.

I see life as a collection of teachable moments. I hope this is one of those moments for you...


Wise words. Don't get me wrong lou, I'm not aiming to put the blame on anyone else, it was my decision to act in that way in that situation, and whilst I simply reacted, I still chose to do it. We all need to learn how to act well in all situations.

We may disagree on whether or not what I said/did was acceptable, but we will agree that me at my best would have dealt with it better, and that hovering above merely acceptable is not a good goal. Fighting fire with fire can feel fun / cathartic, but it rarely produces good results.

So yes, I agree that life is a veritable smorgasbord of learning opportunities. This will be one of many this week, and hopefully I'll have the humility (tempered with a bit of an ego ;) ) to take most of them.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby loutil on Wed Apr 03, 2019 7:39 am

.SCuD. wrote:
loutil wrote:I live in a world where I take 100% responsibility for my actions. Blaming others implies that others have power over me and I am unwilling to accept that. We can agree that what was said to you was inappropriate. However, it was YOUR choice to respond as you did. Evolving to a better person will allow you to resist the urges of your impulses. You and everyone around you will be better for it.
To be clear: I am not giving approval to what was said to you. As I stated, it was inappropriate.

I see life as a collection of teachable moments. I hope this is one of those moments for you...


Wise words. Don't get me wrong lou, I'm not aiming to put the blame on anyone else, it was my decision to act in that way in that situation, and whilst I simply reacted, I still chose to do it. We all need to learn how to act well in all situations.

We may disagree on whether or not what I said/did was acceptable, but we will agree that me at my best would have dealt with it better, and that hovering above merely acceptable is not a good goal. Fighting fire with fire can feel fun / cathartic, but it rarely produces good results.

So yes, I agree that life is a veritable smorgasbord of learning opportunities. This will be one of many this week, and hopefully I'll have the humility (tempered with a bit of an ego ;) ) to take most of them.


Nicely said, it would seem you are already on the path to evolving into a better person.
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Re: Kicked out of TOFU

Postby .SCuD. on Wed Apr 03, 2019 7:49 am

loutil wrote:
Nicely said, it would seem you are already on the path to evolving into a better person.


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