Poll is now open to decide the winners. Voting closes 30 November
HERE ARE THE TOP 10:
1. macbonemacbone wrote:A lady walks into a pet store. She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO. The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says, "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is, "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says, "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "Hey Jim."
2. MagnusGreeolMagnusGreeol wrote:A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
3. BrutalBobBrutalBob wrote:A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yelled,
"I have a 45 calibre Colt with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
"You need more ammo!”
4. loutilloutil wrote:A man walks into a bar, and sits down on a barstool, placing a small brown bag on the counter next to him. He signals to the bartender and then proceeds to down 3 shots of scotch.
The bartender, being no fool asks, “Hey man what’s wrong?”
Without replying the man slowly reaches over and grabs the brown bag. Opening it, he pulls out a tiny piano. To the bartender’s surprise he reaches back in and pulls out a tiny man, who couldn’t be standing more than a foot tall, dressed in a full tuxedo. The tiny man walks up to the piano, pulls out the piano bench and carefully sits down. He then continues to play some of the most beautiful soothing music the bartender has ever heard.
“Where on earth did you get this little man?!”
“Oh I have a genie.”
The bartender can barely contain his excitement, “You do? Can I see it?”
“Of course, of course,” says the man pulling out an ornately decorated lamp.
The bartender takes the lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie.
“You have summoned me. What is your one wish sir?”
“I want a million bucks!” The bartender shouts.
Immediately the room begins to fill up with ducks. Feathers are flying everywhere, the other patrons begin screaming and running for the doors.
As the ducks continue to appear out of thin air, the bartender looks frantically at the man with the brown bag who has a sly smile on his face.
“WHAT HAPPENED!? I DIDN’T ASK FOR THESE DUCKS!!”
“Well do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
5. ElricTheGreatElricTheGreat wrote:Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
6. rizky_biznezzrizky_biznezz wrote:A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
7. CharleCharle wrote:An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
8. DukasaurDukasaur wrote:Dave is chatting with the guys at work, when the subject comes around to women, and one of the guys brings up the well-known fact that all women with brown eyes cheat. All of a sudden it occurs to him that his wife might have brown eyes, although he can't remember with absolute certainty.
At lunch time he can't take it any more. He has to know. So, he jumps into his car races home, runs into the house, runs upstairs, and looks into his wife's eyes. "Aha!" he cries, "brown!"
Sheepishly, his buddy Jack Brown steps out of the walk-in closet. "How the hell did you find out?"
9. zipper66zipper66 wrote:Two nuns are driving along on a stormy night when they are pulled over by a vampire. One nun says to the other "show him your cross" The other yells out the window " get out of our $%^%ing way you git!",
10. dakky21dakky21 wrote:A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
