Ask Wolffystyle

[Beckytheblondie]

What's this thing on my, uhh, well, you know, Johnson...? How did I get it you think? Here's a pic, it kinda looks like this:

[azezzo]

What's this thing on my, uhh, well, you know, Johnson...? How did I get it you think? Here's a pic, it kinda looks like this:

oh, oh, oh, i can answer that one, -----its a french tickler, perfect for gspot stimulation

[e_i_pi]

Dear Wolffystyle,

When was the last time you deceived a small child with sweets, and was the experience worth the justice that now gets pounded into you by your cellmate on a daily, sometimes twice daily, basis?

[Beckytheblondie]

Dear Wolffystyle,

When was the last time you deceived a small child with sweets, and was the experience worth the justice that now gets pounded into you by your cellmate on a daily, sometimes twice daily, basis?

lolz

[owenator]

Hi Wolffy,

Does size matter?

[Wolffystyle]

What is the circumference of a moose?

Good question Minister Masket, thanks for asking it. You’re lucky that you’ve asked an expert in the field of the Alces alces. Having the (un)fortunate opportunity to run into a North American Moose on a recent excursion to the oil fields of Alaska, I found that the circumference of a moose is exactly 6 feet 5 inches. That’s approximately 14 meters in the metric system for all of my European readers.

Another way to view this measurement is that it is exactly as far as I can grapple with my sinewy arms and still have enough strength to pull a 1,300 lb mammal to the forest floor.

Imagine a fierce standoff between a male Alaskan Moose and yours truly. The tension was so sharp that it could have cut through a giant pound cake. Remember folks, battle wounds make great scars! Also, don’t try to wash a moose's hair with V05. This is great advice. These are mistakes I’ve made from which you learn!

Remind me to email V05 corporate to tell them they can't run their new "This product has not been tested on Mooses" campaign...

[Wolffystyle]

What's this thing on my, uhh, well, you know, Johnson...? How did I get it you think? Here's a pic, it kinda looks like this:

Weird question Beckytheblondie, but thanks for asking it. This thing that is on your, uhh, well, I know, Johnson is 'cauliflower'. You probably got it at a local supermarket or fruit stand. I suggest that you immediately contact the owners of said supermarket and inquire as to why they put it on your Johnson instead of in, say, a plastic bag. If this is the store's operating procedure, I'm shocked that they're not out of business. Imagine all the lawsuits that would result from a practice of placing vegetables down customer's pants.

"Paper, plastic of briefs, sir?"

British-English Translation:
"Paper, plastic or knickers, sir?"

Wolffystyle~

[Wolffystyle]

Dear Wolffystyle,

When was the last time you deceived a small child with sweets, and was the experience worth the justice that now gets pounded into you by your cellmate on a daily, sometimes twice daily, basis?

Good question e_i_pi, thanks for asking it. However, it's abhorrent of you to suggest that what my cellmate does is "justice". Why should a good man, friend of the moose, eater of the mango, get punished for giving a small child sweets? Do not, I ask with steadfast resolve, small children enjoy sweets?

Sure, I told the child that I was giving him cherry-flavored sweets while I actually handed him watermelon-flavored sweets, but is this a crime punishable by 'pounding'? May the Lord be our Judge. May children enjoy their sweet sweets. May the jurors choke on watermelons.

Here's a question of mine own... why is every inquiry I receive adorned with some sort of sexual overtone?

[Wolffystyle]

Hi Wolffy,

Does size matter?

Great question owenator, thanks for asking it. I assume that you're asking about Wilbur McCoy.

Dr. Wilbur McCoy was a giant.

Although he was a literal midget in stature, his social importance and community standing towered. I guess what I’m saying is that while Dr. Wilbur McCoy was a dwarf himself, he made his descriptive adjective into a verb by, in turn, utilizing it to describe the way he acted around or unto, being nearby, and around other people. Does that make sense? I know it doesn’t. He dwarfed them while also being a dwarf. There.

But size of body doesn’t matter when one’s large heart makes up for the physical deficiency. Not that it was a deficiency. I mean, if he had an absurdly large heart for his body, he could have had medical problems and would have had to utilize the same hospital wing that was built with his money and named in his honor. It was called the West Wilbur Wing. Kids got a giggle when they tried to say the name of the section of the hospital that their mothers were recuperating within, however it's all they could giggle about because, in truth, their mothers were there because they had a very serious alcohol induced car accident just weeks earlier and were forced to lose their jobs without compensation. The lack of security made the families crumble under the harsh demands of society and its capitalistic frame work. Eventually the hospital would deny the bogus health insurance and they would resort to even more drinking and child negligence. But at least the little kids got a kick out of seeing a midget in a white coat walking through the West Wilbur Wing. They all thought he was a clown. This is why Dr. Wilbur McCoy carried around long balloons, a bicycle horn and a lifetime of sorrows everywhere he went.

So, to answer your question, NO, size does not matter.

If, however you were not writing about Dr. Wilbur McCoy but rather the circumference of a moose, then the answer changes to YES; size does matter. The size of a moose's circumference is extremely important during both mating season and in auditions for the new Rocky and Bullwinkle script.

[anonymousguy54]

Wolffystyle, how does one overcome the final 300 points before becoming a Brig?

[beersurfer]

Wow.. wolffy is quite the intellect we really didnt think existed... Impressive answers so far,

I got a question...
When experimenting with a little project called (What I like to call fun) Nuclear Fission, Is it true-ly necessary to shield the radiating electrons from Humans (or another species) or would it actually be better to expose Humans to this radiation in hopes for tolerance and immunity (eg. vaccinations, in small doses) toward future experimentation and possibly eliminating the threat of nuclear war?

Follow-up:
Also (in your vast experience as a Theorist) Have you personally found a way to eliminate the "GLOW" left behind when actually exposing yourself to said radiation?... I've heard rumor of an amazing break through in modern technology that promotes the "glowing effect" as a way of removing wrinkles on the human epidermis

[beersurfer]

Wolffystyle, how does one overcome the final 300 points before becoming a Brig?

oooooo... I know the answer to this one

[anonymousguy54]

haha and I know the answer to your question, my dear Mr. Beersurfer

[Wolffystyle]

Wolffystyle, how does one overcome the final 300 points before becoming a Brig?

Magnificent question anonymousguy54, thanks for asking it. This secret to your question remains quite occult and hidden! The gatekeepers of this secret have kept this answer veiled for centuries, and they have vowed to never let it go. But I hear the call! The secret yearns to be heard, it pines for anonymousguy54 to hear its beckon! It only wants to be held compassionately, just once...just for a moment...so that it may feel real...so that it may breathe...

So, despite certain, quick and painful retribution for exposing their secret, I will break the sacred covenant I have built with the gatekeepers. You need to know anonymousguy54, you NEED to know...

In the late Spring of 1745, a young bohemian corporal sat crestfallen upon a log. Whilst scratching his perplexed head over dreams of becoming a brigadier, he said aloud to no one in particular "Why can't I get a break? I would do anything to become a Brigadier!"

At that very moment, out of the shadows of the overgrown copses above, a dark and willowy creature dragged into sight. The aged and worn countenance of this dark creature spoke more eerily than our young protagonist has ever heard.

"Did I hear that you would do anything to become a brigadier?" the wrinkled beast asked.

"Uh," clearing his throat,"uh, yes, I did..." stated the young corporal hesitantly, "who are you?"

"Ask no questions!" the dark figure snarled, "I will give you what you'd like. But you must agree to give me what I'd like."

"What is that?" the corporal stood up.

"HAVE YOU EARS, CHILD? I SAID 'ASK NO QUESTIONS'" The beast writhed in fury, "If you will truly do anything, then you will oblige to my summons!"

"I will," the boy gulped.

"Then you must do as I say, Boy. Sojourn in to the darkest part of the forest. Arm yourself with only your two hands and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a HERRING" the beast spat.

"Are..are...you serious?" The young corporal asked.

"Indeed," was the beast's retort.

"Okay. Deal" the boy shook the dark Lord's hand and pranced off into the woods on his way to become a Brigadier.

"Oh, wait, also stop by the nearest Uruguayan superdisco and stuff a couple pieces of cauliflower into your shorts..."

"Will do!" the boy said.

So, anonymousguy54, there you have it...all you must do to become a brig... oh no! NO! The gatekeepers of the secret are coming after me! Their vengeance will be absolute... anonymousguy54! Secure this newfound knowledge and share it with all! Tell everyone to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring and to stuff cauliflower into their shorts! Oh, no! They come swiftly and with dexterity! I am in mortal danger! Anonymousguy54, note one final thing... that young bohemian corporal...that cherished protagonist...that....was....meeeeeeeeeeee.........

[fade to black]

[owenator]

Hi Wolffy,

It's Owen again. 'Innie' or 'outtie'. Further to that, how the hell did it ever become such? I mean did one poke their belly button so much or pull. Hmmm...perhaps a theory as to how the penis/vagina was created - one may have either pushed or pulled too much.

[Wolffystyle]

Wow.. wolffy is quite the intellect we really didnt think existed... Impressive answers so far,

I got a question...
When experimenting with a little project called (What I like to call fun) Nuclear Fission, Is it true-ly necessary to shield the radiating electrons from Humans (or another species) or would it actually be better to expose Humans to this radiation in hopes for tolerance and immunity (eg. vaccinations, in small doses) toward future experimentation and possibly eliminating the threat of nuclear war?

Follow-up:
Also (in your vast experience as a Theorist) Have you personally found a way to eliminate the "GLOW" left behind when actually exposing yourself to said radiation?... I've heard rumor of an amazing break through in modern technology that promotes the "glowing effect" as a way of removing wrinkles on the human epidermis

Beersurfer, sorry it took so long to respond. I had to engage in thorough research to find the answer to your question. I spent two weeks in the library stacks and another week on a field study with Congolese Gorillas and finally one more day on the toilet. But at the end of my sabbatical, I believe I have found the correct answer. The answer, as you're probably aware, will surprise you!

You asked whether or not humans should expose themselves to radiation to build up tolerance and immunity. My response, however, only tangentially answers your question. The truth is that humans MUST expose themselves to radiating electrons, but not for the aforementioned reasons. Human beings are quite boring. We have managed to utilize technology to become lazy and no different than other single-celled organisms. We have successfully prevented natural selection from taking place by sticking our dirty five-fingered hands into God's business. Modern medicine, health standards and technological assistance prevents the weak from dying off. We need to give nature back the opportunity to force us to evolve.

That being said. We must expose all the wrinkly, weak and wretched humans (I believe those three adjectives encompass all of us) to massive amounts of radiation so that we may evolve. Some of us may grow a third hand or eyeball. Some of us may turn green. Some of us may spew blood. In the end, however, those humans who have 'evolved' the best will develop immunity and will continue to survive and reproduce. The residual glow will probably serve as camouflage against the savage and vicious large animals that were also exposed to the radiation.

So, not only will humans become a stronger species, but nature will continue to work and it will stop its own act of killing us through global warming, earthquakes and monsoons. Humans (if you can call the new species of highly evolved, glowing, six-fingered, gilled, and scaled people that) will become a much stronger and advanced species without need for shampoo. They will probably eat nuclear warheads for snacks. Their only threat will be the Great Alaskan Purple Moose with nine antlers and a libido the size of Beckytheblondie's chesticles.

Wolffystyle~

[Wolffystyle]

Hi Wolffy,

It's Owen again. 'Innie' or 'outtie'. Further to that, how the hell did it ever become such? I mean did one poke their belly button so much or pull. Hmmm...perhaps a theory as to how the penis/vagina was created - one may have either pushed or pulled too much.

Wow, owenator, you're quite a theorist! Great question, too!

The first answer is: Outtie.

The Second answer is: It became such as a direct result of radiating electrons.

The Third answer is: I don't have a belly button. I consider it to be a weakness. Do you think Superman had a belly button? Hells no: http://repairstemcell.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/superman_pic1.jpeg. My mother fed me a cocktail of cauliflower and paint chips throughout her entire pregnancy.

Wolffystyle~

Postscript: I love how Superman is standing in front of an American Flag. He actually never officially passed his citizenship test.

[JOHNNYROCKET24]

why do you have me on ignore when I dont think we even played a game together ?

[owenator]

Wolffy,

You're trapped on a deserted island. However, on this island with you, are:

a) A beautiful, sexy woman who could quite possibly have been a pornstar. Her only faults? She talks, even during sex. For example; she may throw out a random sentence such as, "why is the sky blue?" whilst doing the 'deed'. Wait, there's more! She has more hair than you do - like a wolf. This hair by the way, cannot be cut/shaved by anything.
b) A very large woman, who quite honestly is the most hideous thing that you have ever seen. Get's along well - with anyone. But, she's intelligent. She also emits a smell more repulsive than vomit and sewage combined.
c) A woman who's in her late 50's but without any flaws...she's beautiful, witty, smart, and probably in better shape than girls half her age.

You come across a lamp and rub it, just to quench your curiosity to see if a genie would appear. And lo and behold! One does appear. The genie, is sick and tired of granting thousands of wishes and tells you, that you can get only 1 wish however it is filled with more conditional terms than a cellular phone contract. He advises that this wish is to allow you to leave the island to your destination of choosing. All of mankind has been wiped out. You can leave the island with only ONE of the three that are trapped with you. What do you do?

Owen

[BoganGod]

Oh great sage wolffy, you haven't checked this thread forever

I'm asking a question in the hope that you will find the time to answer this worthy question, from such a humble supplicant.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

It is a question which has puzzled people since the dawn of time, and you would be adding greatly to mans knowledge bank if you could answer this, the most difficult of questions.

[JOHNNYROCKET24]

why do you keep telling me your taking me off ignore but never do ?

[BoganGod]

why do you keep telling me your taking me off ignore but never do ?

Maybe he likes keeping you guessing?

[targetman377]

how has this not been moved yet

[Falkomagno]

Hi wolfy. I want to ask you, which one do you prefer...little but playful, or big but sleepy?

[e_i_pi]

Dear Wolffystyle,

When was the last time you deceived a small child with sweets, and was the experience worth the justice that now gets pounded into you by your cellmate on a daily, sometimes twice daily, basis?

Good question e_i_pi, thanks for asking it. However, it's abhorrent of you to suggest that what my cellmate does is "justice". Why should a good man, friend of the moose, eater of the mango, get punished for giving a small child sweets? Do not, I ask with steadfast resolve, small children enjoy sweets?

Sure, I told the child that I was giving him cherry-flavored sweets while I actually handed him watermelon-flavored sweets, but is this a crime punishable by 'pounding'? May the Lord be our Judge. May children enjoy their sweet sweets. May the jurors choke on watermelons.

Here's a question of mine own... why is every inquiry I receive adorned with some sort of sexual overtone?

Good question Wolffystyle, the answer may surprise you! Back in the summer of '08 the mighty and glorious leader of the site that we all call Conquerer was someone so insignificant that I cannot remember their name. Their reign was grey, drab, and uninteresting, and this quality of leadership spread across the forums like a thick blanket of smog, stifling all creativity, humour, and elan.

Then, due to the newly implemented rules against farming, a true leader rose to the top, our glorious current leader, King_Herpes. His gameplay is mysterious and complex - on the surface it looks like farming, but there is something about it that makes it not farming. In any case, now that he has taken the throne, King_Herpes has become more active in the forums, addressing his subjects on a daily, sometimes twice-daily basis. His oral technique is unmatched.

This newfound life has propogated many spin-off parvenus in the forums, people who enjoy Carry On films, Benny Hill re-runs, and play-on-word film titles, such as Big Trouble in Little Vagina, Ferris Bueller Jerks Off, Doing John Malkovich, and Seven Years in Thai Butt. This has led to an overall increase in the humourous experiences of forum-goers, the number of bannings, and has also strangely resulted in threads such as this laying dead in the water for many a month. As you may or may not know, many brownnosers have taken up the arms against this kind of posting behaviour, finding it offensive to their narrow minded Christian sensibilities. But alas their attempts are futile... as the ancient adage goes: "The penis mightier than the sword"