Let's share some jokes... (occasionally NSFW)

[Sir Gordalot]

well i heard this one last night from a waiter... i thought it was good... not sure how it will work written down...

This father takes his son to the Circus. This is a really awesome circus... big top tent, elephants lions and tigers... and they had the best seats in the house... right front center. About halfway through the show they are having a great time, the show has been incredable. Then all the lights go out and a spot light shines on the boy and his father. A clown comes over and says to the boy "Are you a horses head?"... the boy a little nervous replys "No" the clown says "Then you must be a horses ass... hey everybody this guy is a jack ass" The entire circus erupts in laughter, the boy is tramitized. The next few days the boy is very quite because he was ashamned of his recebt public humilation. He makes the decision that he will become a stand-up comedian since they always have great comebacks and the last word.

twenty years pass... the boy is now a sucessful comedian and he sees that the same circus is coming to town. He decides he is now ready to get his revenge. So he takes his son to the circus and nothing has changed, still had all the same acts, even had the same damn clown. They take the same seats he had when he went with his father. Half way thru the show the lights go out and the spot light shines on him again. The clown comes up "Are you a horses head?" He responds confidenatly "No" ... "Well then you must be a horses ass... hey everybody this guy is a jack ass"

After the laughter dies down He stands up and stares the clown right in the eyes "You know what clown... f*ck you clown"

[Machiavelli]

Did the waiter actually use the F-bomb in a resteraunt?

[Sir Gordalot]

ya... we are friends with the hostess... she told us he does open mike nights at comedy club... so we were joking with him all night

[Machiavelli]

Did he say he was the boy in the story?

[Sir Gordalot]

nope... any one else want to share some jokes?

[minihaymanz]

oo oo me me! pick me! MEEE!!!

alright. I love being picked
Not sure how this one will work out either written, its alot better when said, but wtv.

ok, so there was a radio show that was hosting a contest, and in this contest, you had to call in, and say a word that wasn't in the english dictonary and use it in a sentance and you'd win a random amount of money. So after about 5mins since the contest was announced, a guy calls in.
"hello sir, your on for the contest"
"yup"
"alright, whats your name"
"John"
"alright john give us a word"
"Goan"
"Spell that please"
"G-O-A-N"
the radio host flips through the pages of the dictionary, and finally you hear the book close
"Well its not in the dictionary, so if you manage to use it in a sentance, you win!"
"Goan f*ck yourself!!"
and you hear the bang of the phone as 'john' hangs up.
so about another 30-45mins pass by, and there is another phone call in
"Hello there, are you on for the contest"
"yessir"
"alright, we'll need your name"
"Geoff" (pronounced Jeff for people who think its Goaf)
"Alright sir, do you have a word for us?"
"Schmee" (Sh-me)
"Spell that for me if you would..."
"S-C-H-M-E-E"
Again, there is the flipping through the pages of the dictionary...
"Well sir, if you manage to use this in a sentance, you win!"
"okay, Schmee again, goan f*ck yourself"
then again, there is the slamming of the phone as 'Geoff' hangs up.

yes its long, but hey, don't like it, I don't like you. simple as that.

[Machiavelli]

That one is hilarious.

[Kylie]

maybe i just didnt get it lol

[Machiavelli]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and es the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f*ck around?"


I got that one off of http://www.bluedonut.com/100jokes.htm they have some good ones

[Sir Gordalot]

So this two business men are standing on top of the roof of they're high rise office having a smoke... The first man says "I've worked here in this building for 20 years I know all it's secrets, all it's nooks and crannies..."
Man 2: "Oh yeah... like what"
Man 1: "Feel that wind... I know exactly how the wind breaks off the building... in fact I can time it so if I jump off the edge the wind will bring me back up"
Man 2: "Bull shit man that's impossible"
Man 1: "Watch this"

The man walks to the edge of the roof... licks his finger and holds it up in the air... counts outloud to three and jumps off... The other man stares blankly as nothing is happening... then all of a sudden the man reapears and lands safely on roof

Man 2: "That's freaking amazing"
Man 1: "You want to try"
Man 2: "I dont know man... "
Man 1: "Just jump when I tell you and I garentee you will be safe..."
Man 2: "Ok"

The two men walk to the edge of the roof... Man 1 licks his finger and checks the wind ... "Ok jump on three" ... "1...2...3" The man steps off the edge of the roof... falls straight down and splatters all over the sidewalk

A person on the side walk sees this looks up and shouts "You know what Superman you're a f*cking dick"

[Vader_09]

I've got a great 1.
Ok well this married couple are traveling the world and stopped at a nice resturant. Well they went in and sat down. The male waiter walks up and asked them wat they'd like. They told him but the wife had 2 questions for him. 1st she asked, " Why do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" He answered, " Well the most dropped utensil we've found is the spoon. So instead of having to run back to the kitchen and get them a spoon and run back, we already have 1 for them." Then she said, " Ok, but my other question is, why do all the male waiters have a string in their zippers?" The waiter answered, " Well this is another time saver. To save time when we go to the bathroom we just unzip our pants and pull the string and our thing comes out and we dont have to wash our hands cause we didnt touch our thing and we cn get out on the floor faster." The women asked, " Well how do u get it back in?" He answered, " Well i dont know about every1 else, but i use my spoon."

This is my favorite joke ever.

[strike wolf]

That was a good one.

[reverend_kyle]

the title should be edited to read


tell your favorite joke(occasionally NSFW)

[vtmarik]

Ok, i'll post my favorite:

Once upon a time there was a small boy who had a very shaggy dog. Now it came to pass in those days that a great shaggy dog contest was to be held to select the shaggiest dog of all. The small boy was very excited by this news and he asked his parents if he could enter their dog in the contest. His parents had no great hope of their dog winning the contest; however they were very fond of the small boy so they said, "Yes, you may enter your dog in the contest".

The contest was arranged in a series of elimination rounds. In the first round all of the dogs in a single block would be judged and the shaggiest would be selected. The winners of the city block contests would then be matched in a precinct contest and so on and so forth.

The City Block Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the city block contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The Precinct Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the precinct contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The City Wide Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the city wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The County Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the county contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The State Wide Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the state wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The Regional Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the regional contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The National Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the national contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The World Wide Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the world wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!"


The third judge said, "Aw, that dog's not so shaggy."

Win some, lose some.

[AK_iceman]

that joke wasnt funny.

[vtmarik]

that joke wasnt funny.

Exactly!

[johnnyrotten]

Ok, i'll post my favorite:

Once upon a time there was a small boy who had a very shaggy dog. Now it came to pass in those days that a great shaggy dog contest was to be held to select the shaggiest dog of all. The small boy was very excited by this news and he asked his parents if he could enter their dog in the contest. His parents had no great hope of their dog winning the contest; however they were very fond of the small boy so they said, "Yes, you may enter your dog in the contest".

The contest was arranged in a series of elimination rounds. In the first round all of the dogs in a single block would be judged and the shaggiest would be selected. The winners of the city block contests would then be matched in a precinct contest and so on and so forth.

The City Block Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the city block contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The Precinct Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the precinct contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The City Wide Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the city wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The County Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the county contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The State Wide Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the state wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The Regional Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the regional contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The National Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the national contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!" The third judge said, "THAT'S the shaggiest dog I've ever seen."

The World Wide Contest

And so it came to pass that the small boy and his shaggy dog were entered in the world wide contest. When the small boy saw the other dogs his hopes were dashed because there were some very shaggy dogs there. However he looked at his dog and said to himself, "My dog is very shaggy, too.", and he took heart. The shaggy dogs were paraded around in a ring where three grim unsmiling judges dressed in black sat on high. Each dog was stopped in turn and each dog was carefully considered by the three judges. It seemed like forever until at last the small boy and his shaggy dog came before the judges. The three judges looked at the dog for ever the longest time. The audience grew still with anticipation. Finally:

The first judge said, "My, that's a shaggy dog." The second judge said, "MY, that IS a shaggy dog!"


The third judge said, "Aw, that dog's not so shaggy."

Win some, lose some.

Teh sucks.

[vtmarik]

Ah, come on you guys, haven't you ever heard of a Feghoot before.

It isn't supposed to be funny!

It's supposed to be a big letdown, that's the whole idea!

[johnnyrotten]

It isn't supposed to be funny!

THEN WHY THE HELL CALL IT A JOKE?!?!?!?!

[vtmarik]

Because I have a sense of irony?

[johnnyrotten]

Oh phooey, irony's just like coppery or bronzey but made of iron.

[vtmarik]

Oh phooey, irony's just like coppery or bronzey but made of iron.

So? Iron is magnetic, and therefore superior.

[Kernal_Kronic]

I've got a buddy who tells the WORST jokes every. These are a few...

What's white & hangs in a tree? A bunch of milk

What's yellow & runs through the Kalahari? A herd of custard

What do you call 2 baboons floating in the air? 2 Hot air babboons

[johnnyrotten]

They hurt just to read. Imagine what they could do to your ears if you heard them...

[AK_iceman]

I've got a buddy who tells the WORST jokes every. These are a few...

What's white & hangs in a tree? A bunch of milk

What's yellow & runs through the Kalahari? A herd of custard

What do you call 2 baboons floating in the air? 2 Hot air babboons

those are bad, but they are way better than that dog show "joke"