SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

by **ElricTheGreat** on Thu Sep 08, 2016 4:15 pm

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

by **Pochuco** on Thu Sep 08, 2016 5:33 pm

One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
So the laywer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The laywer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

by **MagnusGreeol** on Thu Sep 08, 2016 6:07 pm

- Three guys are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. He picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three guys and says: "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish."
Well, the first guy is sick and tired of being on the island, so he wishes to go back home. POOF!!! He disappears. The second one said he, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!!! He too disappears. The genie then turns to the last guy and asks him what his wish is.
"Gee," he says," I'll be awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here! ")

by **takman2k** on Thu Sep 08, 2016 6:34 pm

Why did Robot Chicken cross the road?
To get a better look at the latest Dukes Of Hazzard clip.

by **t4mcr53s2** on Thu Sep 08, 2016 8:12 pm

We've all heard of the psyciatrist who could change a lightbulb if it really wanted to change , but my Jewish mother could change a lightbulb that she didnt even want to change , without touching it ....

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by **zipper66** on Thu Sep 08, 2016 9:04 pm

Two nuns are driving along on a stormy night when they are pulled over by a vampire. One nun says to the other "show him your cross" The other yells out the window " get out of our $%^%ing way you git!",

by **Charle** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:38 am

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

by **guido74** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:40 am

I was playing a 6 player Labyrinth Terminator game a while back and the blue player brought all his troops to my door and parked them on my fire ring.

Boy was he surprised on his next turn.

Played the same guy again in San Francisco Map Flat Rate Multiplayer.

I reduced him to only having Alcatraz by Round 3.

But God Bless him he stuck around the whole game deploying 3 troops on Alcatraz.

:shock:

by **guido74** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:53 am

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

by **guido74** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:55 am

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

by **MagnusGreeol** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 3:12 am

A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside and see someone coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny how are things going?". Flustered the guy bets him $500 he doesn't know the President. So they drive up to the white house and the security guard says "Benny you know you can't just show up here like this." Then a limo pulls up with the president in it and he rolls down the window and says "Hey Benny how have you been?" So then he bets him $1000 he doesn't know the Pope. So they take a plane down to Rome and he says" Ok now watch up there on that balcony I'm gonna come out there with the Pope." So he goes up there and looks down to see his friend pass out. He goes down to his buddy and says "Are you that surprised that I know the Pope?" he goes "No somebody walked behind me and said who's that guy up there with Benny!" ")

by **blacky365** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 3:36 am

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

by **Jondovick** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 4:10 am

Which ghost was president of France?

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by **dakky21** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 5:58 am

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you?

by **simi16** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:00 am

My old aunts used to tease me at weddings :' 'Well Sarah, do you think you'll be next?'
I settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

by **LiveLoveTeach** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:05 am

Why do cows wear bells?

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by **aimilios** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:11 am

Jonh tell us a word starting of H, the teacher said to calamity John.
Huck, said John.
Is that a real word, teacher asks again.
Oh course, John replies.

by **djelebert** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:55 am

How do you call a dog with no legs?

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by **Charle** on Fri Sep 09, 2016 7:22 am

The teacher takes the children for a field trip one weekend, showing them all kinds of plants, insects, etc. Teaches them if the snake bites you you will have 2 holes bleeding, if a bee sting you there will be 1 spot with white surround, and if a spider bytes you then there is a hole with a blister, etc.

That night around the camp fire they sang all the camp fire songs but nature called her and she walked in the dark behind the bush, pull her pants down and just as she bent down, something bit her right on the ass!

Very frightened she ran back towards the fire and came along Johnny who was also just wondering off a bit. She bent over and ask Jonny: How many holes do you see? 2 Miss, he answered. What do they look like Johnny? Well, he answered, the one looks like a closed tobacco pouch and the other like a tire burst!