SEPTEMBER Smiley Challenge Joke Thread

by **Occluded Front** on Sun Sep 04, 2016 6:42 pm

[roadside farm stand]
Farmer: Mushrooms! Chernobyl mushrooms for sale!
Traveler: Are you serious? Who would buy those?
Farmer: Lots of people have guests for dinner: their in-laws, boss, daughter's fiance...

by **takman2k** on Sun Sep 04, 2016 10:44 pm

You know when a big person is big, when another big person can say DAMN!, or they are using 2 chairs to sit on at a buffet.

by **Beast Of Burson** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 1:30 am

why did God give women legs?

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by **Blitzkrieg Frank** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 3:48 am

What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

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by **Charle** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 4:36 am

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

by **Razorvich** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 4:50 am

paulownia74 wrote:What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...?
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by **Man from Modesto** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 5:04 am

Engineer and the Lawyer

An old engineer retires and moves out to the country to tinker in his shop and grow wheat.

One day, the old engineer is on his tractor, cutting his wheat. Just as he reaches the end of his field, a hunter shoots a duck, which then falls into the engineer's field.

The engineer finds it and takes it to the tractor. Just as he reaches the tractor, the hunter arrives on the other side of the fence.

"That's my bird!" screams the man. "What are you doing? Give it to me!"

The engineer, who had planned on giving it to him anyway, says, "I can tell you're not from around here. In these parts, if a bird falls onto your land, it's yours."

"You don't know who I am," fumes the hunter. "I'm a famous attorney from the city. If you don't give me that bird, I'm going to file lawsuit after lawsuit against you until I own all your property."

The engineer shuts off the tractor engine and climbs down.

"Ya don't have to do all that. Around here, we got the three kicks rule, and we can settle this easily with that."

Curious, the lawyer asks, "What's the three kicks rule?"

"Works like this: First, I get to kick you three times. Then, you get to kick me three times. We keep going, back and forth, until one of us gives."

The attorney is in great shape. He eyes the old man in his dirty overalls and agrees to the contest.

"Since we're on my property, I go first," says the engineer.

He then kicks the lawyer square in the nuts. The lawyer doubles over, grabbing himself. The engineer then kicks the lawyer in the teeth. This sends him backward onto his rear. Finally, the engineer kicks him in the stomach, knocking all the air out of the lawyer.

The lawyer takes a few minutes to get his wind back, and regains his feet.

"Alright, old man," he says, "It's my turn and I'm a black belt in karate!"

The old man starts walking back to the tractor. "Take the bird," he says, "I give."

by **BrutalBob** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 5:17 am

I tried to catch some fog but I mist.

I was wondering why the car was getting bigger, then it hit me.

by **Swifte** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 6:34 am

Why don't blind people skydive?

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by **Jondovick** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 6:55 am

- I hate this cheese with the holes in it.

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by **iAmCaffeine** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:33 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Chicken.

by **Razorvich** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:44 am

Updated to here... If you see me in chat, hit me up for an instant letter... once you produce a quality joke that is...

Man from Modesto wrote:Why did the blonde elephant paint her toenails red?
A: So she could hide in a strawberry patch!

I missed this one....a DOUBLE NO NO... so no letter for you today Man from Modesto ... you got it yesterday.

ALSO, just a heads up for everyone... Any baiting or flaming jokes will be edited., they are not welcome here.

Lets try to keep this civil.

Have Fun.. Good luck, at this time no one has solved the puzzle 100%

by **rizky_biznezz** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 7:50 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

by **mrswdk** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:04 am

Why was six afraid of seven?

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by **dakky21** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:48 am

What would you call a very funny mountain?

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by **aimilios** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:58 am

Ouga bago. 18+ underage or conservatives should divert away.
Two friends, John the naive and Jack the tough were caught by cannibals. The shaman presented them with two choices, ouga bago or death. John chose ouga bago. Shaman ask then a tall well endowed cannibal into a hut were John started to scream. Jack suspected of what happened asked for death. But then the shaman with a smirk ordered: ouga bago until death.

by **zipper66** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:14 am

Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks " who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in. To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" and he opens the gate once again.

by **blacky365** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:29 am

My dad suggested I register for a donor card.......... he's a man after my own heart

by **MSpitts24** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 9:32 am

how many Conquer Club admins does it take to change a lightbulb on the Owenshooter room lamp? None, they are not afraid of the Dark

by **LiveLoveTeach** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 10:53 am

My boss told me to have a good day... so I went home.

by **takman2k** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 11:21 am

With a face like that, your looks couldnt kill. I mean you had to be left alone with a slab of meat just so the pets could play with you.

by **ESQuire** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:16 pm

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

by **mrswdk** on Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:27 pm

blacky365 wrote:My dad suggested I register for a donor card.......... he's a man after my own heart

This has to win, given it already won the Edinburgh comedy festival best joke 2016. To give the award to anyone else would be for CC to thumb it's nose at Scotland's most successful spoken word festival.