Corrupt a Wish

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted! But all of your specified feasts, regardless of what you wanted, turn into The Last Supper, with Mel Gibson as Jesus and yourself as Judas. You evil man!

I wish for all the money in the world!

[Votanic]

Crushed flat to the thinness of a single molecule.
The paper money alone would have done that, but OMG the coinage!
You might have thought that at least your crypto funds would have been weightless, but alas no, as the shipment courier decided that all the blockchain-generating hardware was part of the deal. So much for virtual.

I want a convenient, gameified online wish-personality survey that will ask me cute, esoteric questions to determine and optimize my wish requests for this game.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted, but every question is behind a pay wall of $100,000,000.

I wish for a cup of water!

[Votanic]

Your wish is granted with a link to an obscure and poorly written forum thread, posted on an aging and decrepid gaming website.
The thread is entitled 'A Cup of Water'.
The OP appears to be drunken halfwit with a strange predilection for 'ass-grabbing'.
As you read the inept and pointless drivel posted by a motley assortment of demented and otherwise highly neuroatypical retrobates, you begin to feel your eyeballs drying out.
Soon you start to succumb to a hideous form of acute dehydration that travels up your optical nerve from your eyes into your brain, seering it like a grilled ahi steak.
If only you could somehow reach that delicious-looking cup of water depicted in high reslution jpeg format right in front of you.
Your withering hands feebly tap at the screen image, ...but somehow you are unable to grab that glass cup of life-giving H2O.
But why?!? You don't understand. ...You just don't understand...

I wish for infinite additional wishes.
I figure we better just get this hackneyed old trope out of the way now.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted! But you must use all your wishes for the others to be granted! Good luck!

I wish I had a pet monkey

[Votanic]

...and that's how DDS ended up on the Sex Offender Registry for "Bestiality and Other Unnatural Acts of Exceptional Duress".

I wish for world peace.
Yeah, I'm just tossing out all the same ol' over-played done-to-death wishes, ...so whatchya gonna do about it?

[Dukasaur]

Granted, but your violence-loving psyche moans and groans forever.

I which to be part of Penn and Teller's stage act.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted! But due a malfunction coupled with their age and a new routine, you are burnt, drowned, shot, and beaten before anyone realizes you have passed away.

I wish whenever someone hears a sneeze, they have an orgasm and give it their best moan

[Votanic]

Granted. After societies initial panicked confusion, new social norms are brought into effect. Audibly sneezing in public becomes much more taboo. People suffer aneurysm trying to stifle sneezes and suffer seriousf alls trying to flee crowded rooms. The loud and undesired mass-orgasms are often just as injurious or deadly. Whole carpools wiped out in terrible car crashes due to just one sneeze.
The aftermath of a live-broadcast sneeze by a sportscaster at the 2025 Superbowl is generally considered to be the worst disaster in U.S. History.

Of course your wish did not specify that you would remain anonymous. When people find out what you have done, you become The Most Hated Man On Earth. People start throwing filthy wads of used Kleenex at you wherever you go, stained with lung cheese, sputum, jizz or a horrid mixture of all three. You are arrested and put into protective custody while you await the verdicts of your multiple criminal and class-action civil suits. You become silent and withdrawn, knowing that your puerile foolishness has caused the deaths of thousands of people. Of course, they have take away your belt, shoelaces, and any sharp objects. Every day you stare at the small mirror over the sink in your jail cell and scream contemptuously at your own reflection, "Why do you always have to be such a total dick, DDS!!!"

I wish for the ability to shape-shift into any form, ..and no, I do not ever get stuck in a form, I can always flawlessly change again into any other form of my own choosing.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted! But everytime you shape shift, Justin Bieber follows you around, singing "Baby" on loop until you shape shift back into your original form. Cool party trick though!

I wish that I was a modern day 007 secret agent. British accent included.

[Votanic]

M: Too bad about Bond....
Q: Yes, a fine agent, ...though a bit rough on his equipment. Anyway whoever shall we find to replace him?
M: This resumé just came in from the States. "Mye nam's DDS. I doo b bestest Spie evur."
Q: What? A yank in His Majesty's Secret Service?!? But this resumé is an almost unreadable collection of egregious misspellings and poor grammar, ...and what are these wet circles on it?
M: Yes, it appears to have been used as a beer coaster at one point. Nonetheless, he seems to have almost every ability that a top spy would need. It looks like he's our man.
Q: shouldn't we at least check his references?
M: He didn't give any. Very clever. If MI6 can't trust its gut feeling on something like this, who can? Oh that reminds me. He seems to not have a British accent. No problem there. Just send him over to Buckingham Palace at high tea for elocution lessons. The Royal family are always glad to help out. Three cheers for our brand new Agent Double-D S!

You step off your private plane onto the sunny shores of Barbados. It's your first day on the job and you're eager to find the secret lair of Dr. Maybee-Knott.
Soon a beautiful babe in bikini approaches you seductively and offers you a blow... (wait for it) ... dart full of deadly poison right in your big dumb face. You are dead.

You got the job, but unfortunately you brought your own skill set to work. DDS skills = No skills.

(sigh) It's such tiring hard work to have to keep constantly wishing for things...
I wish for ... (I'm thinking!) ... (Aha, I've got it!)
I wish for a deluxe behind-the-scenes tour of Conquer Club that will show me every aspect of how this racket really operates.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted! You won the raffle to get the "inside scoop" with BigWham himself!

You arrive at an empty server room where BigWham is sitting at a table, where one line light hangs overhead.
BW - "Take a seat, Vot. I heard alot about you."
V - "Uh, sure. Is this part of the tour?" You ask as you sit.
BW - "Oh yes. Very much so." BW nods to his left and his right, and the CC moderation team step out from the shadows, each of them holding "Ban Hammers."
Vot - "W-WAIT! This isn't a tour!"
BW - "Sure it is. This is just a formal introduction."

Before you can say anything else, Duk swings his Ban Hammer into your knees, banning your ability to walk for 6 months.
King Achilles is next, swinging his hammer into your hands, banning your ability to write and type for 3 months!

Just when you can't take these bans anymore, Iceman swings his hammer onto your head! You're banned from life for at least a year unless you wish to appeal with an E ticket. They also take $20 out of your wallet for premium.

You're then taken on a lovely tour of the rest of the building. You just can't recall what you saw.

I wish I was the worlds best singer!

[2dimes]

Granted, you're the world's best singer. Obviously you're also an unknown African.

I wish Saxitoxin wasn't so lame.

[Votanic]

Actually that wasn't a corrupted wish, ...it was just a regular wish with corrupted mods.

Anyway, your wish is granted. Your singing ability, range, vocal cords, etc. are exactly thes same as before, but now you are filled with overwhelmng self-confidence that nothing can stop.
You are now fully aware of your musical greatness andknow in your heart that you truly are the World's Best Singer!
Of course, all such value judgements are completely arbitrary and subjective, but what does that matter when your are fully convinced of your own amazing talent.

You post your songs on YouTube, so few listens, even fewer likes...
What tasteless and dull idiots most music fans must be to not recognize such greatness.

You book a concert hall and give a free concert for the fans...Few tickets are sold, few stay after the first song, ...and a few people throw rotten fruit
gee, most concert-goers today are just tone-deaf cretins that can't appreciate musical artistry or exquisite vocal harmony. That's their sad loss...

You personally send demo recordings to record companies and potential collaborators. No replies, though several people do block your accounts.
The music industry is just stuck in a hopeless rut, endlessly recycling tuneless tunes for the lowest common denominator.
Boy, they're sure going to kick themselves when they finally realize they missed out on signing the World's Best Singer!

I wish this old copy of the DnD Player's Handbook was actually a real book of magical spells, and I was a 100th-level Super-Wizard able to cast them all perfectly whenever I wanted!

[Votanic]

Dang it. I got FPed by 2Dimes... Now I have to grant his wish too.

Advanced science is now able to massively reduce saxitoxin's lameness to a fraction only one ten-trillionth of what it was previously.
However, despite this awe-inspiring achievement, saxi's thoughts and behaviors are exactly the same as before.
It seems that saxi is so densely super-saturated with lameness that even a massive reduction still leaves a significantly large surplus of lameness that is more than adequate to maintain all of saxi's lame functionality. Basically saxi is like an incredibly dense neutron star, only with lame, instead of mass.

See previous post for my latest wish, then corrupt away.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted, you're the world's best singer. Obviously you're also an unknown African.

I wish Saxitoxin wasn't so lame.

Wish granted!

Saxi suddenly has a 5.0 rating! He stops frequenting the forums though, finally bags Linda Searcy, one hot momma, and starts his own pod cast with Joe Rogan!
You're stuck though, with the occasinal chime in "Hey! I knew him!" But you're not relevant so it doesn't matter.

As for Vot, wish granted!
You become this all powerful, all knowing being. You get this great idea, like all wizards do, to become this God of Magic! So you spend numerous resources to enact this spell, and indeed, you do! But only for the briefest moments. Your body couldn't handle the sheer amount of power of the weave, and you self destruct. You become a cool statue though. You also go into legends as "Votanics Downfall," as lesson to all the price paid for such ambitions. Also, the new God of magic restricts high level spell use, making sure no one can repeat your folly.

I wish I was a witcher!

[Dukasaur]

Granted, you're the world's best singer. Obviously you're also an unknown African.

I wish Saxitoxin wasn't so lame.

Wish granted!

Saxi suddenly has a 5.0 rating! He stops frequenting the forums though, finally bags Linda Searcy, one hot momma, and starts his own pod cast with Joe Rogan!
You're stuck though, with the occasinal chime in "Hey! I knew him!" But you're not relevant so it doesn't matter.

As for Vot, wish granted!
You become this all powerful, all knowing being. You get this great idea, like all wizards do, to become this God of Magic! So you spend numerous resources to enact this spell, and indeed, you do! But only for the briefest moments. Your body couldn't handle the sheer amount of power of the weave, and you self destruct. You become a cool statue though. You also go into legends as "Votanics Downfall," as lesson to all the price paid for such ambitions. Also, the new God of magic restricts high level spell use, making sure no one can repeat your folly.

I wish I was a witcher!

Granted, but since I'm granting the wish, and I don't know what a "witcher" is, I'll assume it's some kind of chamber pot. You are a very good witcher, but most people prefer to use a flush toilet nowadays, so only the drunkest and smelliest old cripples still use your services.

I wish i was a giant squid.

[kentington]

Granted, but since I'm granting the wish, and I don't know what a "witcher" is, I'll assume it's some kind of chamber pot. You are a very good witcher, but most people prefer to use a flush toilet nowadays, so only the drunkest and smelliest old cripples still use your services.

I wish i was a giant squid.

Granted, but you are easily scared so any time a ship goes by you ink yourself.

I wish I had prettier eyes.

[Votanic]

Granted, but since I'm granting the wish, and I don't know what a "witcher" is, I'll assume it's some kind of chamber pot. You are a very good witcher, but most people prefer to use a flush toilet nowadays, so only the drunkest and smelliest old cripples still use your services.

I wish i was a giant squid.

Granted, but you are easily scared so any time a ship goes by you ink yourself.

I wish I had prettier eyes.

As requested, a 50 gallon fish tank full of beautiful ('pretty') eyes soaking in formaldahyde soon arrives at your places of residence.
There are many human eyes of all colors and shapes, and also a wide variety of eyes from other species, some of them highly endangered and hard to come by.
IMPORTANT CAVEAT: Please admire, handle and display your elegant and sophisticated eye collection in a discrete, private location.
If there were to be an investigation of any sort, the proverbial feces could very quickly hit the proverbial fan.

I wish I was the One True God.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted. You no longer exist.

I wish all desks were one giant scratch and sniff. Smell may vary.

[Votanic]

desks? scratch n' sniff?
Uh..., sure, and!, as added bonus, at no extra wish to you, all elephant trunks will now open sideways for convenient Martian-ethnic toaster-oven fun.
Also the next time you pass a manhole cover on the street, stop and take a lick! Yep, they're now all strawberry-mango-rosemary flavoured. Just thank the sub-particular penguin-mechanics.
Look beyatch, if you want to try start playing at making dada art-object wishes, I'll give you so many damned dada art-objects, your spiral Epi-Lady®-sword will sound like a braille dictionary.

I want a new drug
One that won't make me sick
One that won't make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick
I want a new drug
One that won't hurt my head
One that won't make my mouth too dry
Or make my eyes too red

[DirtyDishSoap]

Wish granted!
Your new drug smells like death.
Your new drug makes you go bald.
It also gives you bad breath.
Its worst than meth!
Your new drug makes you drool!
Your new drug makes you twitchy!
It also makes you look like a tool!

I wish for 1968 Pontiac GTO, with all the components working, their brand new, its got a V8 engine, and the seats are leather, and everytime i drive it around, some hot ass supermodel wants to drive my di- stick.

[Votanic]

I'm not doing car wishes anymore. Somebody else handle this.
Although I did have a hilarious clapback about the supermodel.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Granted. After societies initial panicked confusion, new social norms are brought into effect. Audibly sneezing in public becomes much more taboo. People suffer aneurysm trying to stifle sneezes and suffer seriousf alls trying to flee crowded rooms. The loud and undesired mass-orgasms are often just as injurious or deadly. Whole carpools wiped out in terrible car crashes due to just one sneeze.
The aftermath of a live-broadcast sneeze by a sportscaster at the 2025 Superbowl is generally considered to be the worst disaster in U.S. History.

Of course your wish did not specify that you would remain anonymous. When people find out what you have done, you become The Most Hated Man On Earth. People start throwing filthy wads of used Kleenex at you wherever you go, stained with lung cheese, sputum, jizz or a horrid mixture of all three. You are arrested and put into protective custody while you await the verdicts of your multiple criminal and class-action civil suits. You become silent and withdrawn, knowing that your puerile foolishness has caused the deaths of thousands of people. Of course, they have take away your belt, shoelaces, and any sharp objects. Every day you stare at the small mirror over the sink in your jail cell and scream contemptuously at your own reflection, "Why do you always have to be such a total dick, DDS!!!"

I wish for the ability to shape-shift into any form, ..and no, I do not ever get stuck in a form, I can always flawlessly change again into any other form of my own choosing.

I miss reformed Thor