(to make a long story short, I lost my ability to produce testosterone when my testicles were severed off in a quite horrific go-cart accident about 2 summers ago. Ever since then Herp (as he lets me call him) has been nice enough to let me sleep on his couch in the den of his trailer ( to be honest it's not really a den but it becomes a pretty sore subject if I point that out to him, so for arguments sake I go along with it and call it a den) and every other Wednesday night we sit on the front porch and brainstorm new business ideas.)
So anyway, I was going through the pile of scrapped ideas (well lets say "ones that are on the back burner" instead of scrapped) and I came across the sales pitch that herp drafted for the local chapter of the Flat Earth Society (they meet once a month in the upstairs banquet room of the First Baptist Church in New Haven.) It just so happened that we were able to score, through a mutual friend, an invite to their 2nd annual chili cook off and we figured that this would be the perfect venue to pitch this idea.
Rather than try an explain this idea I'll just present a transcript copy of the sales pitch to you in its original draft.....
So the other day I was thinking to myself, while driving to the local mall to check on the status of the custom engraved license plate frame that will read "My other car is a Lambo" that I commissioned the proprietor of the "Auto Plates and Frames" kiosk to make for me, how incredible it would be to top off another productive day and to treat myself out to an ice cream shop.
Now not just any ice cream shop will do though. I'm remarkably selective about what I choose to put in my Temple. I also sort've detest ice cream shops because of their illusive nature and *bogus-service.
Before you begin to mis-interoperate what I'm trying to express, allow me to distinguish my main guff and constitutional disagreement I have with ice cream shops and their owners. Who by the way are most likely, definitely, maybe also homeowners. Chances are they choose to drink homogenized milks over alternatives. Anyways that's besides the point.. what I've been meaning to say here is that I hate(but only at the work place, and yes even at my job because in order for me to make this dream come true I have to live this message) sexual harassment.
I know I know, put your tongues back in your skulls and push your eyeballs back in their sockets. For crying out loud please don't be so excitable, I have I.B.S.
You didn't let me finish! I hate sexual harrasment at the work place because it is a strong, well defended and sometimes even protected form of **Cock-Blocking. Understand? No? Then please allow me to elaborate. Now, when you step into your automobiles(or in my case helicopter) and propel yourselves to your individual destinations what is the one thing you want to see when you arrive? Think about it, think about it.. eh? Eh?
Guys guys put your hands down I want the girls to get this one so they can get behind me too! C'mon everyone you know we want to see, bump into and engage with an attractive member of the opposite sex. It's fun, it's a thrill and I believe it to be an important healthy feeling for all of us to experience even if we're in a relationship. It keeps us keen and confidant. And rightfully so, this being one of the main reasons are conscious convinces us we need to peel our hide off the recliner once in a while and go fucking talk to someone!! And that person better be real fuckin hot or I'm not going to give them the time of day!!!! Because we're sexy and we're even more shallow!!!!!!!!! Seriously though don't feel bad if you do this it's natures way of weeding out the ugly pathetic gene. Instead you have my permission to feel good about it.
Well when I skip my jolly ass upto the ice cream shop I want the whole package. That's right, I want the ice cream to be out of this world and the woman to be complete bombshells. And as for the service, well that will almost entirely be taken out of the equation if those first two wants are met. Problem is.. this is never the case..and here in lies my latest problem gang..
Due to the unregulated **Cock-Blocking that is sexual harassment in the work place the girls are always mopey and half ass their way through the day at all the ice cream shops within a ***50 mile radius.
EX:
1.) They don't put on makeup or do their hair because if they do their higher ups will inevitably hit on them. Not that no 'makeups and hairdoos' is always bad but generally means lack of effort.
2.) They place less value on their work and tend to slop up my order because they're sad from being creeped on all day by sexually frustrated co-workers and let alone their boss/es.
3.) They are utterly unresponsive to casual dialogue and acts of congeniality even when pitched with a genuine charm because at that point in the day they've already decided their legs are staying shut. Once their minds turned off good luck getting in their bubbs.
4.) If you bypass all that bullshit and hit on them outright they give you this face like, "God damnit mother fucker are you going to go eat your fucking ice cream or not"?
So I have this sexy womanly ice cream shaped light bulb that flicks on in my head and when I go to satiate my desires I not only get shitty ice cream, shitty service and shitty feedback.. but I also get fucking **Cock-Blocked!!!WELL I FOR ONE AM COMPLETELY FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!
At this point in the presentation herp got a little emotional and had to take a short break before he was able to continue....
Hey gang. Sorry I kind of had a melt down back there but this has really been working on my nerves. So much that I've decided to use this negative energy to create a positive. Guys, I'm going to start a business and I'm asking for your help!! I need your support in laying out the groundworks for the..... wait for it.... wait for it.... this is big.......
The World's First Sexual Harrasment Free Ice Cream Parlor Forever!!!!!
Mr. Softer's®
How will I do it you ask? How is this even obtainable you're wondering?
It's simple! I'm only going to hire people with E.D. and it's okay that I personally don't have E.D. because I have the next best thing in this situation, I.B.S. and when am faced with anybody who is excited have to run to the nearest men's room.
Please share with me your experiences and inputs for they are greatly appreciated and highly valued. Remember I need your guy's support and belief to make my dreams come true!!
Key: *service that is more bogus than good, **the act of someone actually interfering with where you believe your cock should be, ***if you drive further than 50 miles to get ice cream than I can't take you seriously so please don't tell me to look further or come to some magical oasis of ice cream that only you seem to know about where the girls will actually give you their #
Suffice it to say ( our first clue that the presentation didn't go very well was in the form of total silence from the audience) that we picked the wrong group to pitch this brilliant opportunity to ( although it was our first go at presenting this idea and it made for really good practice (not to mention the chili was actually pretty tasty too))
Now I know what you all are thinking and I can almost without a shadow of a doubt say that you are most likely wrong!
Although I do think that everyone here would agree that this business would be an excellent addition to the already growing number of many successful business' under the CC umbrella.
Thank you for your consideration!
