Joke thread

[jonesthecurl]

What did the sushi say to the bee?






wasabi?

[Pack Rat]

Pmac666 wins the joke thread!

Come up and get your fake gold trophy.

[DirtyDishSoap]

Why couldn't the pepper pass his archery class?


He didn't habanero

[KoolBak]

Gods.

So bad, I'm stealing

[2dimes]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

show

[Pack Rat]

How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?

Tell him Obama put it in

[Lonous]

You guys truly bring anal rabies to every single thread, don't you?

[Votanic]

Lonous speaks Truth.

[Pack Rat]

Lonous has no sense of humor, instead of insulting those of us...who have a sense of humor.

[Votanic]

Lonous has no sense of humor, instead of insulting those of us...who have a sense of humor.

You don't have a sense of humor, rat...
You just have a bot-like political agenda.

[Dukasaur]

Honestly, pack rack. Let's not let this thread degenerate into another Election 24 Special, eh?

Best way to deal with political jokes is to use only politicians that nobody cares about any more. I've heard lots of great Khruschev jokes and Golda Meir jokes. But my very favourite political joke is about Pierre Trudeau.

Trudeau wakes up one morning, looks out the window, and sees "Pierre is a jerk" written with urine in the freshly-fallen snow.

Outraged, he calls the RCMP, and they send a team of investigators. They take a bunch of 8X10 colour glossies with circles and arrows on the back of each one, and they bring sniffing dogs and biochemical analysts and handwriting analysts, and they do a very thorough investigation. After a couple weeks, they return to Pierre with a report. "We have some good news, and some bad news," they say.

"What's the good news?"

"We've done detailed analysis on the urine. It's David Stanfield's urine, and based on comprehensive chemical analysis we're pretty sure we can get a conviction."

"What's the bad news?"

show: bad news

[jonesthecurl]

Honestly, pack rack. Let's not let this thread degenerate into another Election 24 Special, eh?

Best way to deal with political jokes is to use only politicians that nobody cares about any more. I've heard lots of great Khruschev jokes and Golda Meir jokes. But my very favourite political joke is about Pierre Trudeau.

Trudeau wakes up one morning, looks out the window, and sees "Pierre is a jerk" written with urine in the freshly-fallen snow.

Outraged, he calls the RCMP, and they send a team of investigators. They take a bunch of 8X10 colour glossies with circles and arrows on the back of each one, and they bring sniffing dogs and biochemical analysts and handwriting analysts, and they do a very thorough investigation. After a couple weeks, they return to Pierre with a report. "We have some good news, and some bad news," they say.

"What's the good news?"

"We've done detailed analysis on the urine. It's David Stanfield's urine, and based on comprehensive chemical analysis we're pretty sure we can get a conviction."

"What's the bad news?"

show: bad news

Used in one of the Carry On films (obv with different people)

[Pack Rat]

It was a only a joke Dukasaur. Sorry we have sensitive forum users here.

My sincere apologies to Lonous and Votanic.

[2dimes]

I thought Pack Rat's joke was ok. I kind of get why Lonous arguably over reacted. The volume of political junk in the forum here is a bit much.

Back to making fun of Justin's step dad with one that was going around at the time he was arrogantly running the country...

Pierre is on a plane, the wing is on fire and the plane is going to crash. It's imperative everyone gets out. The pilot starts handing out parachutes and people start hitting the silk. It gets down to the last three, the Boy Scout, the pilot and the prime minister, when they figure out there is one too few parachutes with only two chutes left.

Pierre in his typical manner says, "I'm much too important to the country." Grabs a chute and jumps out the door.

The pilot is absolutely crushed at not even getting a chance to plead his case and sadly tells the young lad, "You take the parachute son and I'll go down with the plane."

The Boy Scout noticing the pilot's concern responds, "Don't worry sir we still have two parachutes."

The pilot says, "Did we count wrong or something?"

The Boy Scout says, "No, that guy took my back pack."

[Pack Rat]

Why was the moderator grabbing at the air? He was trying to collect his thoughts.

[Votanic]

I thought Pack Rat's joke was ok. I kind of get why Lonous arguably over reacted. The volume of political junk in the forum here is a bit much.

Back to making fun of Justin's step dad with one that was going around at the time he was arrogantly running the country...

Pierre is on a plane, the wing is on fire and the plane is going to crash. It's imperative everyone gets out. The pilot starts handing out parachutes and people start hitting the silk. It gets down to the last three, the Boy Scout, the pilot and the prime minister, when they figure out there is one too few parachutes with only two chutes left.

Pierre in his typical manner says, "I'm much too important to the country." Grabs a chute and jumps out the door.

The pilot is absolutely crushed at not even getting a chance to plead his case and sadly tells the young lad, "You take the parachute son and I'll go down with the plane."

The Boy Scout noticing the pilot's concern responds, "Don't worry sir we still have two parachutes."

The pilot says, "Did we count wrong or something?"

The Boy Scout says, "No, that guy took my back pack."

That actually happened in 1988 to a guy named Ivan Lester McGuire, only it was a camera equipment bag instead of a backpack that he mistook for a parachute.
He was an experienced skydiver, but supposedly tired and preoccupied with filming a jump.
There is a snippet of video online, but no audio.. though audio may exist, as there are reports that his final words wer "No, oh God, no". fitting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths#1980s
This entire list is a fascinating read... and joining it is a relatively 'no skills' way to get some Internet Fame!!!, ...I mean, if you're really desperate for it.

[2dimes]

That seems pretty strange, the joke was going around about 8 or more years before then. It's probably even older in some variation.

Here's one from junior high school.

Do you know the difference between sex and peanut butter?

It's best if they respond that they don't. Then you can zing them with,

show

[KoolBak]

DoD....I liked how your joke referenced Arlo's Alice's Restaurant

[Dukasaur]

DoD....I liked how your joke referenced Arlo's Alice's Restaurant

I was hoping somebody would notice...

[KoolBak]

Saw him live probly 12 times. Was lucky enough to have him do that song ONCE....classic

[Dukasaur]

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him. “Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”
The drunk looks at her and asks, “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”
The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk asks, “Have you ever even tried a drink?” The nun admits she hasn’t, so the drunk tells her, “Listen, I’ll go into the bar and order myself a drink and I’ll get one for you too. I’ll bring it out here and you can taste it yourself and see that alcohol is nothing bad.”
The nun reluctantly agrees, but says, “I don’t want anybody out here getting the wrong idea about me, so would you mind bringing me the drink in a paper cup?”. The drunk agrees to this and goes inside. At the bar, he tells the bartender “Give me a double shot of whiskey, and a second-half shot in a paper cup.”
The bartender groans and says: “Is that bloody nun out there again?”

(from Dave Allen At Large)

[Pack Rat]

What?