Dating a Racist

[Dancing Mustard]

In that case you should substitute the word 'sister' with 'mother'.

Horses for courses and all that jazz.

[black elk speaks]

Let your sister make her own choices. You must have expressed your concern and she responded.

You can't choose family, and you really can't choose who your family dates.

That's the thing. Maybe everyone out here in America's Heartland is a closet racist, but we still have our rules. Like having the older brothers approval. And he doesn't.

Allow me to clear some things up. First, he is a bigger guy than me. I still think I can take him though, so long as he doesn't pull his pocketknife.
?
Second, yes, I did express my concerns, and she did respond. But she is settling you see, and settling for a racist. Look below for Ironic, and frustrating details.

Third, his family is originally from Tennesse, but he has lived here for all his life. He just wants to go to school down there.

Finally, I did whoop him in an arguement about just this, at a bonfire. I was pretty hot headed when he started spouting out this dribble. So I shot him down. 10 drunkards came to his defense, and I learned a little something about my community right there. A few people cannot be my friend anymore.* I felt trapped, and angry, and I was ready to fight right there(fight or flight). My girlfriend(white, and of 5 years Jonesthecurl, so no dating other girls!) picked up on it real quick, distracted me, and took me home. My mother was there, and she just put her head down. I'm pretty abandoned in this. In fact, I'm feeling pretty lonely in this whole ordeal. But it is my job to protect my sister, no?

I don't know if he is an all-around jerk. From what I've seen of him, he seems like a cut-out of the average guy. But I can't lend him a book, he's no reader. And so far, he has been at least, decent to her. I don't really know the inner workings of their relationship though, ya know?

Date a "monkey" yourself, he'll nsult you to your sister's face when your not there.

This is where the Irony hits in. Although he only talked about blacks, is any racist only racist against one group? My family is all part Chippewa! My Grandma left the reservation to marry my Grandpa. While my appearance for all practical purposes is white, my sister has darker skin!
*Those people who can't be my friend anymore sad that I am "ok mentally because my grandpa was white." And one of the drunkards who came to his defense was my mother's new boyfriend. But like I said, she just put her head down. Lucky for her she missed the part where folks explain why I am "ok."

I'm pretty upset about all of this, and don't really know what to do. I'm not like my mother, I always hold my head up. I just know that I'm going to fight him, it feels insulting to my pride just to be around him, and worse---to know that he's gotten my sister to settle. Is it like this everywhere?

when you loose your rationality and abandon your friends, you look the fool. you won't gain anyone's respect by flying off the handle and trying to belittle them and force your view on them. next time (if there is one) you should just avoid the dialog of racial issues or avoid his company. it sucks that you had to loose friends over the matter but it sounds to me as though you hadn't thought it all through before entering a debate with him. it also sounds as though your ego was damaged because you weren't even asked for your "blessing" in the matter. truth is that those are kinda out dated ideals to begin with. you should wait and see if their relationship lasts, if it does, see what you can do to shed the image of the outsider so that you can gain influence.

[nesterdude]

Nothing like coming full circle...
So you want to fight a guy who views the world differently than you. Because that makes sense.
Well, actually I kind of like it and agree with it. Just know that by doing so you're justifying him and people like him to do the same.
Nothing changes, just has a different face and name.

[black elk speaks]

Nothing like coming full circle...
So you want to fight a guy who views the world differently than you. Because that makes sense.
Well, actually I kind of like it and agree with it. Just know that by doing so you're justifying him and people like him to do the same.
Nothing changes, just has a different face and name.

yup!

save the violence for the moment that you are surrounded by hostiles, then you can go berserk.

[TheProwler]

You could let him know, politely, that you don't want to hear his racist talk and to please refrain from doing it around you. If that doesn't work, set his sister up with someone of a different race.

I, I... I think I, well, um... kind of agree with Jay.

That's a really brilliant idea. Do it.

The first part is good. The second part is a bad Hollywood movie - not gonna happen.

[TheProwler]

But it is my job to protect my sister, no?

Nope.

Well, not in this case. She needs to want your protection. She's her own person and all you can do is offer her your opinion - then she makes up her mind. Until she wants your protection, and indicates this, then you should not be engaging the boyfriend except in a socially acceptable manner.

Keep in mind that racism is a deep-rooted issue. His current views probably took years and years to develop. Don't think that you're gonna change the dude overnight.

Everybody has their faults. On the bright side, this isn't one that will probably be too harmful to your sister.

My advice is to let things settle down, and then try to get along and look for the good things. Possibly, over time, you will actually like each other and he might respect you. That is when, slowly, you might be able to change the way he thinks about racism.

But the bottom line is, your sister is solely responsible for whom she chooses to date.

[jiminski]

The Prowler is largely correct.
You also need to entertain the idea that your sister either does not think of high-minded principles in the same way as you...or that she may be a racist too.

how old is she?

[billy07]

This is where the Irony hits in. Although he only talked about blacks, is any racist only racist against one group? My family is all part Chippewa! My Grandma left the reservation to marry my Grandpa. While my appearance for all practical purposes is white, my sister has darker skin!
*Those people who can't be my friend anymore sad that I am "ok mentally because my grandpa was white." And one of the drunkards who came to his defense was my mother's new boyfriend. But like I said, she just put her head down. Lucky for her she missed the part where folks explain why I am "ok."

I'm pretty upset about all of this, and don't really know what to do. I'm not like my mother, I always hold my head up. I just know that I'm going to fight him, it feels insulting to my pride just to be around him, and worse---to know that he's gotten my sister to settle. Is it like this everywhere?

get the bow and arrow out! then scalp him.

[Frigidus]

This is where the Irony hits in. Although he only talked about blacks, is any racist only racist against one group? My family is all part Chippewa! My Grandma left the reservation to marry my Grandpa. While my appearance for all practical purposes is white, my sister has darker skin!
*Those people who can't be my friend anymore sad that I am "ok mentally because my grandpa was white." And one of the drunkards who came to his defense was my mother's new boyfriend. But like I said, she just put her head down. Lucky for her she missed the part where folks explain why I am "ok."

I'm pretty upset about all of this, and don't really know what to do. I'm not like my mother, I always hold my head up. I just know that I'm going to fight him, it feels insulting to my pride just to be around him, and worse---to know that he's gotten my sister to settle. Is it like this everywhere?

get the bow and arrow out! then scalp him.

Classy.

[Juan_Bottom]

Firstly, My sister is not racist I assure you. She just doesn't think that she can find a guy who isn't. Or at least, doesn't have some big flaw.

Secondly, she is 19, about to turn 20.

it sucks that you had to loose friends over the matter but it sounds to me as though you hadn't thought it all through before entering a debate with him.

For the record, I totally won. I just didn't know all these people shared his views. Especially since I'm Chippewa, ya know? Would any of you expect your friends to hate your race? But not you, because your "ok." Yes, I did feel sorrounded, and felt like my family blood was under attack. I'm glad to shed them really.

The sad part is the people who just put their heads down. Didn't say a word or anything.

Nothing like coming full circle...
So you want to fight a guy who views the world differently than you. Because that makes sense.
Well, actually I kind of like it and agree with it. Just know that by doing so you're justifying him and people like him to do the same.
Nothing changes, just has a different face and name.

That's not it at all. But it is hard to explain exactly... Ya know?

[gdeangel]

Well, I don't know if anyone already suggested this - I saw the one about setting up his sister... funny but not a real option. On the other hand, being that you are such a multi-cultural man of the world, you must have some female acquaintances of the African persuasion... one that doesn't look like road kill and one that is an inlightened member of the intelligentsia but who can "relate" to a man of his background. So you should set up a "double date"... give your friends some warning and explain to just not get into it with him if he starts into racist stuff. Just try to have a normal conversation about stuff all four of you like to do, the jackass boss at work, whose going to win on Sunday, etc. etc.

You may not stop him making racist comments, but it will be an example he can remember that the only difference between races is the "culture" gap. And you never know, if your friend is hot enough, he might oggle her so much during the evening that your sister will break up with him anyway

[black elk speaks]

Firstly, My sister is not racist I assure you. She just doesn't think that she can find a guy who isn't. Or at least, doesn't have some big flaw.

Secondly, she is 19, about to turn 20.

it sucks that you had to loose friends over the matter but it sounds to me as though you hadn't thought it all through before entering a debate with him.

For the record, I totally won. I just didn't know all these people shared his views. Especially since I'm Chippewa, ya know? Would any of you expect your friends to hate your race? But not you, because your "ok." Yes, I did feel sorrounded, and felt like my family blood was under attack. I'm glad to shed them really.

The sad part is the people who just put their heads down. Didn't say a word or anything.

I am not sure what constitutes a "win" in your eyes. you were the one that came away down some friends and pissed off, at least, that's the way that I read it. in a way, intolerance of intolerance is still intolerance.

I have family that are racists and i just have to learn to accept them for who they are. otherwise, i cannot be an example to them, nor can they be one to me. we all have flaws and can stand to learn from one another.

[Ditocoaf]

Juan, I hate to tell you, but...

RL debates (I consider debate competitions as non-RL) don't have an impartial judge standing in the corner, observing who proved their point better... there are no "winners" and "losers," only outcomes.

Outcomes may include: someone changing their incorrect opinion (good), someone starting to hate someone else (bad), increased views of another's intelligence based on debating ability (good), enjoyment of an entertaining/interesting debate (good), scenes made for no positive gain (bad), broken family ties (bad), increased stress levels (bad).

Which of these outcomes came from your arguments? Were there more good outcomes than bad outcomes, or vice-versa? I take it your goal outcome was an opponent's changed opinion. Did this happen?

Seriously, man... don't tear apart your family too much for no gain.

[jonesthecurl]

Juan, the fact that your "friends" thought you were ok because your "white" blood outwweighed your Chippewa shows they hold a ludicrous opinion. It reminds me of a story tha Lenny Henry, the Brit balck comdian (probably best known int the US for the series Chef) used to tell. He'd be going into a club (where he was well-known, and might even have been DJing or performing in some other way, I forget), and would be stopped by the bouncer. ONce the bouncer recognised him, he'd say "oh, sorry, Lenny, thougth you were a black guy for a minute."


Whether you should still be mates with them I don't know. It's a difficult one. But you can't be a good example if they don't see you. ON the other hand, just how much crap can you put up with? It's a personaql decision based on personal experience. I've certainly ditched friends (and girlfriends) before now based on the fact that, if I hadn't, I would in some way be accepting or excusing their views. But thise were extreme cases.

[pimpdave]

if I hadn't, I would in some way be accepting or excusing their views. But thise were extreme cases.

You do not have to share their views with us, but I have one question: How many of these extreme cases involved cannibalism?


(Yes everyone, I am referencing the most hilarious premiere episode of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, which commenced its 4th season [4th series to you Brits] on FX tonight at 10pm. If you missed tonight's double header of episodes, keep an eye out for rebroadcasts, and remember to watch it on Thursday nights at 10pm on FX. Seriously, it's the funniest sitcom on television right now.)

[Snorri1234]

Oh yeah, sorry forgot to reply to that. He's an only child.

I dunno about asking him "politely," I'm in the minority appearantly.

Right, set his mother up with someone.