Let's share some jokes... (occasionally NSFW)

[Kylie]

What’s the difference between a 747 (a passenger plane with 2 levels) and a blonde?

[Kylie]

Some people have never been inside a 747...

[Machiavelli]

Although I've never been in either:cry:

[Kylie]

I havnt either lol

[Machiavelli]

But i'm a guy, you're a girl.

[Sir Gordalot]

why did the blonde have square tits?

She forgot to take the tissues out of the box

[Machiavelli]

Two blondes walk into a store, you would think that at least one of them would have seen it.

[Utafar]

someone posted that before

[Machiavelli]

I knew I heard it recently.

[Sir Gordalot]

So did you hear about the hearse that crashed in Newfoundland.... 1 dead

[Kernal_Kronic]

A priest, a rabbi & a nun walk into a bar. The bartender asked: "Is this a joke?"

[mrdexter]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[Kernal_Kronic]

Two nuns are driving in there car, when all of a sudden a vamipre lands on their windscreen. So the one nun says: "Qucik Sister, show him your cross." So the other nun leans out the window & screams: "OI! GET THE F*CK OFF OUR CAR."

[reverend_kyle]

Two nuns are driving in there car, when all of a sudden a vamipre lands on their windscreen. So the one nun says: "Qucik Sister, show him your cross." So the other nun leans out the window & screams: "OI! GET THE F*CK OFF OUR CAR."

I dont get it.

[mrdexter]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Utafar]

Two nuns are driving in there car, when all of a sudden a vamipre lands on their windscreen. So the one nun says: "Qucik Sister, show him your cross." So the other nun leans out the window & screams: "OI! GET THE F*CK OFF OUR CAR."

I dont get it.

show him your cross as in show him your angry its a play on words I think

[Kernal_Kronic]

Two nuns are driving in there car, when all of a sudden a vamipre lands on their windscreen. So the one nun says: "Qucik Sister, show him your cross." So the other nun leans out the window & screams: "OI! GET THE F*CK OFF OUR CAR."

I dont get it.

"your cross" "you're cross" It's a pun.

[Utafar]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

thats one of the funniest things ive ever read

[Kernal_Kronic]

Little Johnny's friend comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. Obviously Little Johnny wants to know where the watch is from, so his friend tells his story: "I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom. I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Little Johnny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad asks him:"What the hell do you want?" Little Johnny say: "I want a watch.". His dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a noise."

[mrdexter]

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

[johnnyrotten]

What is it with the 'Little Johnny' stuff? Are you trying to take the piss or something?

[Kernal_Kronic]

What is it with the 'Little Johnny' stuff? Are you trying to take the piss or something?

Deep breaths...

I'll change them to Little Kronic jokes from now on

[mrdexter]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

[johnnyrotten]

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

Been said before... except that was more padded out...

[johnnyrotten]

What is it with the 'Little Johnny' stuff? Are you trying to take the piss or something?

Deep breaths...

I'll change them to Little Kronic jokes from now on

Thank you KK