Let's share some jokes... (occasionally NSFW)

[Kernal_Kronic]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Kronic. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f*cking beautiful!

[mrdexter]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

............

On the road, police officer stops her for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

...........

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights

and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

..........

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

"There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[gavin_sidhu]

geez this was far down in the furnace.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

[HighBorn]

now that was a great list

[strike wolf]

This is one my football coach mentioned the other day.

A father walks up to his wife and asks her:

"honey, would you sleep with a stranger for $1 million?"

And the wife says, "for a million dollars? Hell Yeah!"

So the father goes up to his 21 year old daughter and asks the same question and his daughter says "hell yeah".

So the father walks up to his 16 year old son and says. "I asked both your mother and your sister if they would sleep with a stranger for a millon dollars and they both said "hell yeah." I'm going to teach you the difference between hypothetically and realistically. Hypothetically we're sitting on 2 million dollars. Realistically we're living with a couple of whores."

[Bad Speler]

Here's a quick one-liner:

On medicine bottle label: Side effects include nausea and drowsiness. In serious cases death may occur. If so consult a physician.

[captiancapture]

Here's one

[captiancapture]

What's the differnce between a bagpipe and an onion?

[captiancapture]

Nobody cries when you cut up a bagpipe

[Herakilla]

i didnt read the whole thing so i dunno if this was posted yet but heres one of my favorites

A patient goes to see her doctor. The docter says "i have some bad news and some worse news" the patients replies "whats the bad news" then the doctor says "your going to die in 24 hours" and the patient cries out "Oh thats horrible! what could possily be worse than that!" the doctor then says "ive been trying to reach you for the last 23 hours"

funny although a tad sad

[Spuzzell]

A joke thread! Huzzah! This place has it all. OK, off the top of my head.. um. I know a million dead baby jokes, but I'm still arguing about abortion in another thread so I probably should wait

If any of these are in bad taste, I'm sorry, but they're jokes, not like, a manifesto.

A 43 year old man returns from work one day to find a taxi waiting in front of his house. Inside the house he finds his girlfriend of four years throwing her last few possesions into a suitcase. "Darling!" he says, "Whats going on?" "I'm leaving you," she sobs, slamming the case shut. "I've just found out you're a paedophile!" "Paedophile?" he replies. "That's a pretty big word for a ten year old."

=========

A Mexican, an Irishman and an African walk into a bar. Barman says, "Get the f*ck out."

=========

What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gay lick.

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At a nudist colony for intellectuals, two old men are sitting on the porch. One turns to the other and asks, "I say old boy, have you read Marx?"
"Why, yes," the other replies, "it's these wicker chairs."

=========

Whats invisible and smells of carrots?
Rabbit farts. muahahahaaa!! Sorry, always cracks me up.

=========

A man takes the day off work to go to the zoo. When he gets there, he discovers the zoo only has one animal, a small dog. It was a shitzu.

=========

What does the Ku Klux Klan have in common with anabolic steroids?
They both make niggers run like f*ck.

=========

What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.

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Good King Wenceslas rings up his local pizza place. "The usual, please. Deep pan, crisp and even."

=========

Who is the leader of the hankies?
The hankie chief! bahahahahaaa! Yeah, that one too. Sorry.

=========

And finally, the last I can remember right now:

The pope's a virgin, he can't get nun.

[bluereaper]

K this one is kinda sick....but also kinda good...

This guy is sitting at home and starts getting horny, so he goes to a strip joint and asks the bartender for the best girl that he can get for $100, so he gets a girl and does his stuff then goes home. Soon after he gets home he gets horny again and heads back. He gets the best girl he can get for $50 and does his stuff and goes home, well every time he goes home, he gets horny again and goes back, but only come back with roughly half the money he had when he went...so later on he goes back and all he has left $1, he asks the bartender for what the best he can get for a $1. the bartender tells him to go into that privite room and its all dark...well he was like wtf but meh what ever, he starts doing his business but then at the end he see's white stuff comming out of her head...he runs out and yells to the bartender that something is wrong with her, well the bartender yells at mike and says "MIKE the dead one is full again"...

ya someone i know that i got that from is really sick minded

[bluereaper]

Another one i know:

These 3 chicks walk into a bar and go and sit up at the bar on the stools. Well after a couple drinks they start fighting on who is the "looser one". The first chick goes, "I'm so loose, a guy can fit his fist in me". The second girl says "Well a guy can fit his head in me, beat that". They look at the third girl now to see how loose she is and she is sliding down the bar stool.

Lol, i like that one...

[bluereaper]

Ok another joke i thought of from the weird guy i know...

This girl goes to her mom and asks what a penis is...she says go ask your dad. So she goes over to her dad and asks, well he says come on my lap and ill tell you, but ill hold onto you so that you won't fall.....well during the talk she's like stop touching my private area....and the father goes look honey, no hands........
ya i don't know if that was exactly how it goes.....but meh its not he best but not the worse

[bluereaper]

Ok, i got another one lol, kinda sick but still good.

These 3 guys are walking in the middle of the desert because their plane crashed. After a while of walking they are very thirsty but can't find any water, then out of no where they see this little house off in the distance, they run to hit hoping that its real, sure enough it is...So they start talking to each other and argue on who's going to ask for water, finally the first guy goes and says "I'll do it." So he walks to the house nocks on the door and this ugly old lady that has warts all over and is just the worse looking human being on the world. He asks her if him and his 2 friends can have some water.
She says "sure you can have some water, but first you have to do me a favour".
The guy goes sure, anything.
The lady says "you have to have sex with me"...
He's like no way, not worth it and runs back to his friends explaining the situation.
The second guy says "Cmon man, she can't be that bad, ill go do it." So he goes and does the same thing (asking for water and seeing her). So like couple min later the guy comes running back and is like no freakin way im doing that.
But the third guy is like dammit man, ill take one for the team because we really need the water and goes over and talks to her and says that he will have sex with her. As he is walking behind her he glances to the kitchen and see's fresh corn just out of the pot on the counter....so as she's going up the stairs he tells her "hey i'll be there in a minute and i would prefer to do this in the dark".
She says sure, i don't care. So he does what he does to her and after she was like, that was the best sex ever, Here is your water, you and your friends get home safely. The guy runs out the door to his friends with the water and starts talking to his friends.
He gives them the water but they are like, we don't need that now, that weird chick just threw fresh corn out the winder, it tasted a little weird but it was still corn. Hey man, why do you look so white? they ask the third guy that got the water.
And all the third guy could think of is the corn he used on the female

hehe, i think its funny, i think it would sound better in person

[bluereaper]

Your momma's so fat, i tried to swearve around her and ran out of gas

[bluereaper]

A plane crashed into a graveyard....1 million dead....

A plane crashed, a survivor told whitneses that no one survived...

[Falkomagno]

Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

[pmchugh]

Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

That's the funniest joke to ever appear on both a Penguin biscuit and a thread on CC from 2006.

But while we are here:

Me: "I've got a joke for you"
You: "Go on then"
Me: "Call me a tree"
You: "You're a tree"
Me: "No I'm not".

I love it but tell it to the wrong person and they just give you a funny look.

[Falkomagno]

OK...this is my vindication

[jonesthecurl]

"Mummy, Mummy, what's and 'orgasm'?"
"Go ask your father".