Atheist Jokes

[jesusfreak16]

it would probably look better than a shark with lipstick puckering up.

[jonesthecurl]

I bet a hammerhead could do a good sneer.

[jonesthecurl]

I just realized I'm sitting in a room on my own, doing an impression of a sneering hammerhead.
I think I need to walk away from the computer now.
Later...

[Frigidus]

I just realized I'm sitting in a room on my own, doing an impression of a sneering hammerhead.
I think I need to walk away from the computer now.
Later...

We all reach that point, eventually.

[Balsiefen]

An atheist was swimming in the ocean. He saw a shark heading straight for him and he cried out, "God save me!"
Then God answered "Why are you calling on me? You don't even believe in me."
The athiest replied, "Well, could you make the shark believe in You?"
Then the shark stopped, folded its fins, and said, "Thank you, Lord, for this food I am about to eat."

Then it drowned as sharks need to keep moving to breathe.

[xelabale]

And the atheist said "Holy moley I just spoke with God, there's a turn-up. Thanks for saving me from the shark!" And verily did the atheist have a shitload of questions for God, such as...

[MeDeFe]

If you're omnipotent, can you take off your underpants without taking off your trousers first?

[xelabale]

And did God say "Well, yes, of course. What an odd question. Next..."

[MeDeFe]

Show me!

[jonesthecurl]

Even Superman can do that, and he's only half as powerful as god.
It's simple: you wear them on the outside.

[xelabale]

And thus did God demonstrate to the unbeliever his omnipotence, and lo did the atheist bow down and say "Time for another question, my oxygen's running low and I've still got to do a safety stop....."

[thegreekdog]

Even Superman can do that, and he's only half as powerful as god.
It's simple: you wear them on the outside.

Link to proof that Superman is only half as powerful as god please...

[jonesthecurl]

Well, Supes came back from the dead, and his father isn't from this planet.
But so far as I know, neither Father, Son, nor Holy Ghost are vulnerable to kryptonite.

[xelabale]

And God spake "You lot are obsessed by superman, eh? How can you be half omnipotent? That's like the difference between 0.999... and 1 (did you get that one yet, it's one of my favourites, I'm quite proud of it actually). Look, I'll give you 3 questions and a small miracle but you gotta hurry up, I'm a busy anthropomorph you know."

And the atheist said...

[MeDeFe]

Anthropomorph? You're a furry!?

[xelabale]

And lo God said "is that one of your questions, because it's a real waste. You know you can ask me anything, right? The answer to question 1 is...........................no, I am not a furry. Don't forget to think on your miracle, too. 2 left."

[Haggis_McMutton]

Are you suure you're not a furry?

You might be just in denial.

[xelabale]

"Look, you're obviously trying to tempt me into a river based pun with that", spake God. "Don't you think I'd know if I were in denial, what with omnipotency an all? That's 2 questions. No, I am not a furry. One more question and a miracle, hit it...."

[daddy1gringo]

"Look, you're obviously trying to tempt me into a river based pun with that", spake God. "Don't you think I'd know if I were in denial, what with omnipotency an all? That's 2 questions. No, I am not a furry. One more question and a miracle, hit it...."

That would be omniscience. Was that a divine spoonerism?

[daddy1gringo]

back to the original thread, try this one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sOgZGoyUYs

[xelabale]

"Look, you're obviously trying to tempt me into a river based pun with that", spake God. "Don't you think I'd know if I were in denial, what with omnipotency an all? That's 2 questions. No, I am not a furry. One more question and a miracle, hit it...."

That would be omniscience. Was that a divine spoonerism?

"I made you say that. It was not a divine spoonerism. Your 3 questions are answered. I command you to go forth and spread the word. God is not a Furry. Look, do you want a pen? At least write it down, here's one. Lick it.... that sometimes works..... There you go, now where was I? Oh yes.... God is Not a Furry. God does not make spoonerisms. God is really not a Furry. Got it?

Fine, now for your miracle, tiresome mortal....." said God, sounding a bit exasperated by the whole thing. Did he not have better things to do, after all?

[Frigidus]

"Look, you're obviously trying to tempt me into a river based pun with that", spake God. "Don't you think I'd know if I were in denial, what with omnipotency an all? That's 2 questions. No, I am not a furry. One more question and a miracle, hit it...."

That would be omniscience. Was that a divine spoonerism?

"I made you say that. It was not a divine spoonerism. Your 3 questions are answered. I command you to go forth and spread the word. God is not a Furry. Look, do you want a pen? At least write it down, here's one. Lick it.... that sometimes works..... There you go, now where was I? Oh yes.... God is Not a Furry. God does not make spoonerisms. God is really not a Furry. Got it?

Fine, now for your miracle, tiresome mortal....." said God, sounding a bit exasperated by the whole thing. Did he not have better things to do, after all?

Man, you guys blew those three questions. A being that knows everything and you decide to troll him instead. It's so beautiful.

[Snorri1234]

Dick Dawkins, atheist extraordinaire, barged into a college classroom and claimed that he was going to prove his belief that God somehow didn't exist. He shrieked, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I`ll give you precisely 15 minutes!" Then, he reached into the pocket of his lovely crushed velvet waistcoat, pulled out an oddly stylish silver stopwatch on a thin silver chain, and clicked it with a disconcertingly effeminate flourish.

Ten minutes went by. To the horror of all the students and the professor, Mr. Dawkins kept taunting God, screaming in a shrill, girlish voice, "Here I am God -- I`m still waiting!" He got down to the last minute, when and an imposing 250-pound football player stopped outside the classroom door. The football player ran into the classroom exactly at the 14:59 mark, and tackled the atheist fop full force, sending him flying off the platform into a pile of empty chairs.

After ten minutes of gasping for air, Dicky-boy finally got up, obviously shaken, and after taking the time to gingerly wipe the dust off his fine clothes with his favorite pink silk hanky, he beat his doughy, pale fists on the football player's strong chest, whining, "Why did you do that to me, you big meanie?"

The football player replied, "God didn't want to be in the same room with you, so He sent me instead!"

And 'lo did the theists celebrate their own retardness. They brought food and drink from the cities, and fun was had and wine was drunk and atrocities were committed.

[xelabale]

Hey, are you another disciple - should we get together to write this thing or do you wanna each do a bit then we'll submit it together. I'm working on the next chapter, it's called Miraculus Whereaboutus

And God did spake testily "Look, do you want your miracle or what? Come on, what's it to be?" and did the very Earth tremble at his grumpiness and was The Midlands struck by a freak earthquake.

If you could proof-read it, you know what He's like if you make a mistake...

[Snorri1234]

Hey, are you another disciple - should we get together to write this thing or do you wanna each do a bit then we'll submit it together. I'm working on the next chapter, it's called Miraculus Whereaboutus

And God did spake testily "Look, do you want your miracle or what? Come on, what's it to be?" and did the very Earth tremble at his grumpiness and was The Midlands struck by a freak earthquake.

If you could proof-read it, you know what He's like if you make a mistake...

We'll form a commission a few years later to edit out the bits that we have agreed are wrong in a democratic vote.