Conquer Club

How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

\\OFF-TOPIC// conversations about everything that has nothing to do with Conquer Club.

Moderator: Community Team

Forum rules
Please read the Community Guidelines before posting.

How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby SnakeySnakey on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:01 pm

The explanation really isn't that fantastic and if you're hoping for some grand adventure then you're reading this fort the wrong reason. If you're thinking I'm going to explain how I'm an idiot then you're also here for the wrong reason.

This was bad luck. It could have happened to anyone with a bit of curiosity. It could have happened to anyone with an excitement for the unkown. However it happened to me. So I will regail you with my tale.

On the morning of June 3rd 2008, I woke up feeling rather randy. I decided that morning that I would finally venture beyond the priliminary stages of anal play and into the previously unknown world of full out sodomy. Though I feared for my very soul, I knew this was something I had to experience.

What would I use though? What could I find in my parents house that would allow me to conquer my objective. "No", I thought to myself. I would not stoop down to that level. I could not use something belonging to someone else in order to bring myself pleasure in such a sinful way. Opening the screen door, I ventured into the backyard.

Almost immediatley I saw it. It was beautiful. A large wooden stick. About eight inches in length, smooth to the touch. I was hard in an instant just thinking about it. Picking up the stick, I rushed back into my abode, down the stairs and back into my lair.

After cleaning up the stick a little, I widdled the end into a point. The knife slipped slightly causing a small incision to appear nearly half way through the wood. I thought nothing of it at the time, oh how very wrong I was.

Carefully, I spread lubrication along the greater length of the stick, allowing some dry space where I would grip it. I bent over on my bed, sheets black and freshley washed and began inserting the point of the stick into my waiting love hole.

I noticed that the stick slid in with ease as it was not very wide. The sensation was unexplainable. Like nothing I had ever experienced before. Then tragedy struck.

After four inches was fully submersed into my rectum, I winced in pain. The slight crevice in the stick I had created with my knife accidentally, slid along my skin causing a cut. This caught me by surprise and I jerked in an awkward motion. Much to my dread the stick broke off. The remaining piece was firmly encased inside my body, in such an angle as to be impossible for myself to remove.

So here I am now, holding half a broken stick with a few drops of ass blood on it, fearing for my life. Should I be off to the emergency room this very moment ? This, only CC can advise me on.

Summary: I got a 4 inc piece of wood stuck in my rectum.
Private SnakeySnakey
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:17 pm

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Anarkistsdream on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:03 pm

I shouldn't be laughing at something this wrong, but it is TOO funny.

My suggestion: Jump into a wood chipper.
virus90 wrote: I think Anarkist is a valuable asset to any game.
User avatar
Cook Anarkistsdream
 
Posts: 7567
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2007 11:57 am

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Neoteny on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:04 pm

Glorious.
Napoleon Ier wrote:You people need to grow up to be honest.
User avatar
Major Neoteny
 
Posts: 3396
Joined: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:24 pm
Location: Atlanta, Georgia

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Shadowstar on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:08 pm

WOW... My advice, get your ass in the emergency room. (Pun intended)

And don't play with sticks anymore. Not too smart. [-X
Translated Japanese Pikachu Wikipedia Article wrote:Hard nut in the lightning burn it in a soft, then eat with wisdom.
User avatar
Sergeant Shadowstar
 
Posts: 1352
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2007 4:55 pm
Location: tires don exits

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Frigidus on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:13 pm

A vacuum cleaner should do the trick, just J-J-JAM IT IN!!!!!
User avatar
Sergeant Frigidus
 
Posts: 1638
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2007 1:15 pm
Location: Illinois, USA

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby SnakeySnakey on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:18 pm

My only real concern about going to the ER is that my dear mother works there as a nurse. She is on shift until after dinner tonight. Do I risk allowing it to fester for so long?
Private SnakeySnakey
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:17 pm

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Dancing Mustard on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:21 pm

Man, you don't need no fancy Dr. Just call a friend you can trust and tell them to bring a torch and some pliers.

Sure, it's going to sting for a few days, but you'll be right as rain by the end of the month.
Wayne wrote:Wow, with a voice like that Dancing Mustard must get all the babes!

Garth wrote:Yeah, I bet he's totally studly and buff.
User avatar
Corporal Dancing Mustard
 
Posts: 5442
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2007 3:31 pm
Location: Pushing Buttons

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby heavycola on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:41 pm

jam some termites up there and give them a day or two.
Image
User avatar
Corporal 1st Class heavycola
 
Posts: 2925
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2006 10:22 am
Location: Maailmanvalloittajat

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Juan_Bottom on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:49 pm

You could also try soaking your butt in some water. The wood will expand(this will hurt a lot). Then you must dry your butt with a hairdryer or something. As the wood drys, your newly expanded rectum will be too big for the wood. You should be able to pull it out efffortlessly then.


Or you could probably try any of the tricks you learned about as a kid. You know, how to pull out that loose tooth for the tooth fairy? Maybe try tying the wood to a doornob, and then close the door?
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class Juan_Bottom
 
Posts: 1110
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 4:59 pm
Location: USA RULES! WHOOO!!!!

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby jiminski on Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:51 pm

I shall try not to judge you brother!

but it remind me of Matthew Chapter 7 verse 3

"And why beholdest thou the piece of sawdust that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the log that is up his brown-eye!?"
Image
User avatar
Major jiminski
 
Posts: 5422
Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 3:30 pm
Location: London

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby MeDeFe on Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:04 pm

Just two minor corrections courtesy of the grammar nazis.

*regale
*preliminary


thank you.

And good story.
saxitoxin wrote:Your position is more complex than the federal tax code. As soon as I think I understand it, I find another index of cross-references, exceptions and amendments I have to apply.
Timminz wrote:Yo mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
User avatar
Major MeDeFe
 
Posts: 7831
Joined: Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:48 am
Location: Follow the trail of holes in other people's arguments.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby El Capitan X on Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:24 pm

Image

Nice story.


ECX
Haters gonna hate, ballers gonna ball.
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class El Capitan X
 
Posts: 63
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:18 pm
Location: Cruisin' Down the Street in My 6-Fo'

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby suggs on Tue Jun 03, 2008 1:41 pm

heavycola wrote:jam some termites up there and give them a day or two.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class suggs
 
Posts: 4015
Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 4:16 pm
Location: At the end of the beginning...

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Pedronicus on Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:12 pm

heavycola wrote:jam some termites up there and give them a day or two.

if you need to get rid of the wood quicker than 2 days, stuff a beaver up yer bum
Image
Highest position 7th. Highest points 3311 All of my graffiti can be found here
Major Pedronicus
 
Posts: 2080
Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 2:42 pm
Location: Busy not shitting you....

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Juan_Bottom on Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:18 pm

I love how the CC family is coming together to help our friend SNAKEYSNAKEY. It tugs on the heartstrings.
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class Juan_Bottom
 
Posts: 1110
Joined: Mon May 19, 2008 4:59 pm
Location: USA RULES! WHOOO!!!!

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby suggs on Tue Jun 03, 2008 7:44 pm

Which website did you get that story from Snakey?
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class suggs
 
Posts: 4015
Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2007 4:16 pm
Location: At the end of the beginning...

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby snifner on Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:40 pm

Rectum? Damn near killed em!
Image
User avatar
Major snifner
 
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Dec 31, 2006 4:21 am
Location: Grey is my Multi

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby jonesthecurl on Tue Jun 03, 2008 10:50 pm

A friend of mine did a similar thing, not to himself but to his only friend.
And then he widened the circle of his aquaintance.
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class jonesthecurl
 
Posts: 4613
Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:42 am
Location: disused action figure warehouse

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby MajorRT on Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:21 pm

I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ; hopefully right now you are there....you will need to get it out...manually disimpacted [-X
User avatar
Major MajorRT
 
Posts: 215
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:05 am
Location: queensbury , NY

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby muy_thaiguy on Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:30 pm

Either, A) You really ARE that stupid to do something like that or B) you made it up/found it on another site.

Either way, it was hilarious! :lol:
"Eh, whatever."
-Anonymous


What, you expected something deep or flashy?
User avatar
Private 1st Class muy_thaiguy
 
Posts: 12746
Joined: Fri May 18, 2007 11:20 am
Location: Back in Black

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Frigidus on Tue Jun 03, 2008 11:40 pm

muy_thaiguy wrote:Either, A) You really ARE that stupid to do something like that or B) you made it up/found it on another site.

Either way, it was hilarious! :lol:


It's weird, he continues to pump out copy pasta quality stuff, but I don't think any of it is actually copy pasta. He's got a talent.
User avatar
Sergeant Frigidus
 
Posts: 1638
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2007 1:15 pm
Location: Illinois, USA

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby Snorri1234 on Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:56 am

MajorRT wrote:I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ;


"Well I was tired so I sat down on the chair but I didn't notice that beer bottle standing there so uhm..."
"Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill."

Duane: You know what they say about love and war.
Tim: Yes, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain, and the other one's war.
User avatar
Private Snorri1234
 
Posts: 3438
Joined: Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:52 am
Location: Right in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo.

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby jonesthecurl on Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:05 am

Snorri1234 wrote:
MajorRT wrote:I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ;


"Well I was tired so I sat down on the chair but I didn't notice that beer bottle standing there so uhm..."


...slipped and fell in the shower...
User avatar
Sergeant 1st Class jonesthecurl
 
Posts: 4613
Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:42 am
Location: disused action figure warehouse

Re: How I got a 4 inch piece of wood stuck in my rectum

Postby heavycola on Wed Jun 04, 2008 7:07 am

jonesthecurl wrote:
Snorri1234 wrote:
MajorRT wrote:I've seen this happen a few times before, in the ER. The "tales" of how it got there are quite the story ;


"Well I was tired so I sat down on the chair but I didn't notice that beer bottle standing there so uhm..."


...slipped and fell in the shower...


...i wanted to see what it would be like to shove a vacuum cleaner up my arse...
Image
User avatar
Corporal 1st Class heavycola
 
Posts: 2925
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2006 10:22 am
Location: Maailmanvalloittajat


Return to Acceptable Content

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users