It had been over a year since the forum had experienced the assassination of the muse ‘Wicked’. Many who watched the unfolding events that day had gone. Some killed in battle against the barbarian tribes, some through natural causes such as venereal disease. Some still asked to see the record of events penned by your humble servant titled A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Forum
Recently a meeting of the Turtlet emperor and his Tribunes took place in the temple as it always had. With Tribune Twilldo now gone, the new head Tribune ‘Andy defrays’ was in control. Sitting there, his bald pate concealed under a peaked cap worn the wrong way round, alongside a happy Lack, still wearing his mask, which actually needed a damned good wash but no one had the heart to tell him, and even if they had, it may well have been paid little heed. After all wasn’t he the Emperor?
Optimus Primus Stove, Chief of the legionnaire’s disease, tapped his fingers on the table, “We have a problem, and there is revolt in the air”
“Yes” responded Lack innocently, “I thought there was a bad smell”
“No” sighed OP with not a little exasperation, “not, the air is revolting, there is revolt among the people”
“Oh, I thought that was the same thing” responded Lack, shrugging his narrow green shoulders and adjusting his mask which had slipped so he could not see anything, which was fortunate as that day’s delicacy had just been laid at the circular table they sat round. Cut into neat bite sized chunks it was obvious what the raw meat was, surrounded by a greenish fat as it was.
Andy turned to the slave “Did it die well?”
“Well no Sir” responded the slave looking in lacks direction, “It carried on crawling after we had taken the head off”
"Oh, so no real problem then, I always wait a couple of moments then slash the flippers off when no one is looking" He responded, looking slyly in the Emperors direction.
“Mmmm…I love those flippers deep fried in batter” said King Achilles licking his lips. He ran a bony finger up and down the blade of his sword, but he was fooling no one, they knew he struggled to lift it.
Knightstrike, a newish member of the fold believed strong discipline was needed for everyone, this had always worked for him in the past…Clappy, the sweet female tribune smirked to herself, she knew all about his needing discipline, her private quarters attested to that, but this was another story entirely and certainly not for polite company.
The Furry Penguin just wished the meeting was over; he was starving for some fresh turtle and knew he would have to wait until later. Well at least until the Emperor had left.
OP exclaimed “We need to make the people feel more inclusive, yes that’s it”
“But my taxes are inclusive” responded Lack.
Andy placed a sallow fat hand on Lacks shoulder “Worry not Lord lacky (his nickname for the turtlet) OP means making the people feel more included in the happenings around CCRome.”
Lack smiled, “Oh yes, and when I get back from my holidays I will show that I really do care about more than just using my income to relax my life away, I shall offer them improved enhancements that don’t really take too much time up but look really really good yeah!”
“Well yes, I suppose you could…” said Andy.
The meeting broke up and the announcements were set.
Lack moved with his usual gait, slowly but surely heading for the exit with his Praetorian Guard gathered around him, ensuring they did not step on his flippers.
“Oh do get a move on” said The Furry Penguin a little too loudly as he eyed the plateful of meat.
Intermission 1
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A couple of days later, your humble servant found himself, as was normal, drinking wine in the forum along with a few of the usual suspects. This was not an uncommon occurrence, in fact, it happened most days of the week, such was the position we all enjoyed. We had been joined this day by Mr Changsha, an ex member of the Clan “Tutus ex Telum Latrunculus” or TtL’s as we were known. Our steady drinking and discourse was rudely interrupted though…
With a mighty fanfare of trumpeting the Praetorian Guard (for trumpeting is what they do so well) marched to the forum, surrounding OP. He ascended the steps outside the temple and issued his proclamation.
“Ok everyone, now this may or may not work, but seeing as I have f*ck all else to do and have run out of any other ideas, let me run this by your shell likes and let’s see how it goes. We may or may not have some new ideas coming up and we, the rulers, think you peasants should perhaps be included”
“That’s rich coming from some one who didn’t inherit his own estates” Mr Changsha, who was also a CCRome aristocrat, whispered to the group at my table.
“And had to buy his own furniture” I countered to gleeful mirth from the others.
OP continued as a large number of peasants surrounded him. He was comfortable with them, they could be manipulated. “Now I’m not sure how this will work, or whether it will work, we need opine onions from everyone, or perhaps no one, not quite sure yet, so here’s what I’m thinking…”
I watched as the proles gathered in rapt attention, apart from the few idiots offering onions to him, my attention more focussed on the Ludo game Changsha, Herpes, myself and another were playing.
OP continued, “Take a moment, or two if you need it, or none perhaps, to think about your lives. Are you good people? Do you need counselling? Was your family mean and nasty to you…” a guard stepped forward and whispered in his ear…”oh, sorry, yes, forget that, or maybe not, anyway, think about those individuals who you feel have their finger on the pulse..”
“I’ll give him pulse” said Herpes “he eats far too many of them as far as I am concerned”
“That would explain our lacks confusion about revolting air then” I responded.
"And the constant trumpeting", added Owenshooter with a snicker.
OP kept going, fully in his stride now “You may be everywhere, or nowhere, you may want to post a list or not. If you wish to contribute, please do…or not”
“Jeeze, this guy should be a counsellor…or not” said another at the table, one general Mojo, to us all with more than a touch of the sarcasms. He was on R&R from a recent war so was feeling a bit jaded. One of his most reliable wartime allies had been found face down in the gutter after being on a bender for some time. Not that we worried about that, another of our clan’s very own senior hoccifers, nagerous, had been spotted in the far northern city of Leeds being offered all sorts of bizarre acts by the native females, and had been mentioned previously in a our clans house postings for having his face in some bush or other.
A young foundry assistant, sprang up “Moderators or just regular users?” he asked. To groans from the crowd…didn’t he listen? Did we care about his opinion?
Whitestanz stood and bowed low to the crowd, not realising that in doing so his short tunic exposed his spotty rear. “I vote myself.” At this some of the really ugly, and I mean seriously ugly, female peasants licked their lips with a lasciviousness to make one shudder. To push the images from my mind I looked at the maidens Changsha had, as usual, tethered on slender gold leashes…yeah, he had taste and style this one.
Colton, a sweaty chef from the kitchens tried to be funny, missing the point, but this was pretty normal…it made those of around the table pleased to note that the order of things was still as it should be, there were those who enjoyed the fruits of Aristocracy, and knew how to hold on to it, there were others born to be stupid. It was not their fault, just the way of things.
Then ’bedub’ a made up Major, asked if whitestanz was correct in promoting himself.
“He can promote himself on me any time” said one old crone, cackling insanely
Kotaro slithered up, showing his malice with little effort, his voice like rose thorns being dragged down a blackboard. Then, with a start that caused me to roll the dice before switching them, I heard my name mentioned.
“Oh God, not that” I whispered to the others
“Come on Fc” responded Changsha, it can’t be that bad….can it?”
Herpes and I exchanged glances…we would explain later.
As if on cue, Changsha heard his name put forward. “Looks like you are in the frame Changsha” proffered jiminski, not heard of recently, but seen flitting thru the shadows from time to time and today enjoying a flagon or two at your humble servant’s expense.
“Don’t go worrying yourselves ‘bout that, I’m persona non grata” replied Changsha.
Woodruff AKA “I'll just say this then I'm outta here” stepped forward. The proles hushed, for they listened to him. He gave his list in sonorous and serious tones, and then others started to put forward their ideas. The sweaty chef kept popping his opinions in to the powers that be, only to find himself ignored completely. Realising this wasn’t working he started offering onions as others had done, only for them to be thrown at him.
Timminz, another senior hoccifer called out Jiminski’s name while reaching for another large flagon of wine. It seemed this was going to turn into something of a session.
Other officers put names forward, often with Jiminski’s included in their lists. “See what you f*cking started” Jim said to Timminz light heartedly.
In among the names being called the squeaky voice of the sweaty chef could be heard asking why he was being insulted and having onions thrown at him, no one took any notice, well no one except for a few who let off cat calls in his direction.
With this, Mr Changsha stood up, unsteadily, and gave a small speech as to how he would be happy to serve, and how others should all help as much as they could. Following this small and erudite speech he sat down heavily and farted, right on a Chihuahua placed on his seat momentarily by a visiting female dignitary.
I shook my head…”You’re going to need a new toga Changsha”
“Oh my poor baby Butt” shouted the lady owner of the now deceased Chihuahua.
Herpes, as always the gentleman, added “I’m truly sorry about your little Butt”
Changsha headed for the nearest friendly house so he could bathe and change, his usual compliment of nubile collared north Germanic tribal blondes following dutifully behind.
Optimus Primus Stove strode to the top of the steps once more. “An excellent collection of potential candidates so far! Or not. As to the comment on getting some of the more silent members of CCRome involved, I quite agree. If you have interacted with someone in a few games who you think might be a worthwhile candidate but doesn't say much in the forums, put their names down as well.”
An old hag in the crowd shouted out…”you can interact with me any time Primus…I hear your stove is always hot” to much mirth and amusement amongst the other old crones. Whitestanz’s bare behind now forgotten as they considered the heat of Primus’s stove.
quert, a legendary map maker, who spoke little of the local lingo asked why certain members of the Aristocracy were mentioned to which Kotaro, still moving among the crowd selling his lotions and potions, responded with a sneering remark.
I swigged on the wine and leaned over to say to Herpes “Do you think we should just let Changsha miss a turn on the dice?” Only to realise that the bastard had gone with Changsha and the maidens. So I took another turn anyway and moved my Ludo pieces on while subtlety moving theirs back a few squares.
Another scribe showed a list of those mentioned, only for the sweaty chef to cry out that his name wasn’t on it. I wondered aloud to the others round the table what the spread was on him getting out of the forum alive.
An old friend Bruceswar turned up, sitting down he asked why Trisha hadn’t been mentioned, even though she was quiet. With this Herpes turned up again and said quietly “not quiet when she’s with me Bruce, ha!” His face was red after the exertions taken within and was obviously feeling the effects of the wine.
Others came forth then Whitestanz asked why no one had nominated him to this point. To which the gaze of the old hags settled on him again, “Show us your nominations then boy and we’ll show you what’s what” they catawailed. Once again gathering in a huddle and cackling. Whitestanz quickly headed over to our table and Owenshooter pulled out a chair for him, only to pull it out further as he sat down. As his legs went up in the air, it seemed the old hags had radar going and were over in a jiffy with bony hands outstretched, only for Changsha, who was returning looking much refreshed, and relieved, to beat them off with his stick. We chortled amongst ourselves as he sat down again. Pouring Whitestanz a jug of wine we made him welcome.
As the day moved on, various of the members offered their thoughts and suggestions. Timminz, by now starting to get highly loquacious as the wine took hold stood and made something of a speech in response to another, but we were now in rapt attention of the game on the table.
Some started to decide how it should be structured, while others passed subtle comments about some of those put forward. Changsha made another speech about people stepping back and included your humble servant and Owenshooter. I watched as Owen cracked his knuckles and shook my head…not here.
hwhrhett, a major with a reputation for having some pretty foul smelling hands and a penchant for playing with himself, put his list forward. It seemed that everyone was now getting in on the act.
Kotaro then reminded everyone in unintelligible fashion about people with assholes and members. This was a major error on his part as his unfortunate choice of words drew the unwanted attention of the crones, now at fever pitch. Timminz quickly rose unsteadily and tried to respond. Kotaro then continued with a diatribe about those he didn’t think worthy which seemed to start a private yet public discourse between them. Meanwhile we at the table continued enjoying the spectacle it was fast becoming.
A general discussion then followed which I tried to keep up with, but as I was seeing double by this point there was little success. Then with the sound of marching feet a very senior ‘Demon fork’ entered the forum surrounded by his personal bodyguards. Changsha leant over and whispered, “you know why he is called Demon fork don’t you, it’s a play on the word fork, what the girl meant to say was….” But his words were lost in the new fanfare of trumpets .
“Oh Christ, what now?” said Mojo, looking better for a few jugs of wine.
A hush settled over the forum. It was the Emperor himself....
Act 2 will follow next week.
loved it, fruitcake!
