THIS JUST IN!

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Annual Risk Classic -- Want to Represent Conquer Club?

Postby BigBallinStalin on Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:24 pm

Now this time and this time only, CC has a deal that you can't refuse!

If you're willing to pay for the transportation costs and the $55 sign-in fee for this year's Annual Risk Classic, then ConquerClub will not pay for any of those expenses, but HEY we'll give you a three month premium! That's right! A sweet $5 value! And wait, there's MORE! You also get to pick an official, genuine, deluxe, custom-made, one size fits all ConquerClub T-Shirt! That's a total misleading value of $23! $5 for the three month premium, and a whopping $18 value for a T-Shirt that no one really wants to drop $18 for! And if you're on the verge of cumming your pants, then you'll orgasm at the guarantee of receiving one "General Contribution Medal!" (exclamation point not included). Yes, a mere <4KB computer-generated image with a total value of ALMOST ZERO!

Can you say AWESOME? I CAN! But wait! That's not all! If you place in the tournament, YOU GET ANOTHER THREE MONTH PREMIUM!! And another 4 kilobyte award with a different title: "General Achievement Medal."
That's a 5 dollar, half a cent value!
-----> OH HO HO!! ***B-B-B-B-BONUS DEAL!!!** <------------

Now that's a steal! (hey hey! I rhymed! *cool guy pose, *thumbs up!)

HOWEVER, you must agree to the following:

1) Trust Andy and Lackattack with your mailing address and name.
2) Allow the CC Community to know exactly who you are (your personal information will be submitted to the masses by our discretion and that information is only limited by the vague phrase of "who you are.")
3) You'll have to tote around a Conquer Club banner the entire time you're there, and be prepared to face constant jokes like "Haha! DORK!" or "Who suckered you into that deal?"
4) You'll have to send constant journal entries throughout the event. If it's not acceptable, we'll just ask you to rewrite another one. You're only looking at like 10, 30, or maybe 60 minutes of work!
5) Don't forget to give us pictures--preferably embarrassing ones!
6) You'll need to spend time with our interviewers, who ask you a barrage of dull questions with the ultimate goal of putting you to sleep! (hey, that's another 10, 30, or 60 minutes of work!)
7) And last but not least, we strongly urge you to represent our business by spreading the word and recruiting others to join. Sorry, no commission, no pay, and nothing tax-deductible, but there's the vague possibility of making another CC friend! HEY HEY!! WHOA!!


Now remember! We offer the artificial value of up to $28.01 as long as you take the risks and do the work involved! Sure, it's not fair, but we'll heavily rely on your love for ConquerClub. Why even consider the real losses of this deal when you can replace it with mindless, chest-thumping "patriotism" towards ConquerClub?!

Don't ask questions! Don't think! Take our deal NOW!

It's 100% guaranteed!




Side-effects may include:

Loss of sleep over the embarrassment of wearing one of those CC T-shirts in public, possible theft identity (unlikely from Lack or Andy, and don't go asking us, sir), stomach ulcers, heartaches, chest pains, and possible anal bleeding, Photoshopped pictures, the butt of many jokes, the source of many laughs on /b/, constant ridicule, bad dreams, nightmares, night terrors, decrease in personal attraction, decrease in chances of successfully socializing with members of the opposite sex without being embarrassed by our conditions, decrease in appetite, and a possible increase in self-mutilation and/or masturbation--simultaneously.


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THIS JUST IN!

Postby BigBallinStalin on Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:46 pm

***INCOMING TRANSMISSION***

...


Image

BigBallinStalin here! I have received wind of a fart that's been strewn upon our lands. My fellow ConquerClubbers, do not be afraid, for I am with you!


Roll the spiel, Jonny!

_____________________________________________

I may be slow on the uptake of our fabulous, once in a lifetime, unforgettable offer in the Announcements! section ([url]
http://www.conquerclub.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=126845&p=2780722#p2780156)[/url], but I don't want the same to happen to you!



Now this time and this time only, CC has a deal that you can't refuse!

If you're willing to pay for the transportation costs and the $55 sign-in fee for this year's Annual Risk Classic, then ConquerClub will not pay for any of those expenses, but HEY we'll give you a three month premium! That's right! A sweet $5 value! And wait, there's MORE! You also get to pick an official, genuine, deluxe, custom-made, one size fits all ConquerClub T-Shirt! That's a total misleading value of $23! $5 for the three month premium, and a whopping $18 value for a T-Shirt that no one really wants to drop $18 for! And if you're on the verge of cumming your pants, then you'll orgasm at the guarantee of receiving one "General Contribution Medal!" (exclamation point not included). Yes, a mere <4KB computer-generated image with a total value of ALMOST ZERO!

Can you say AWESOME? I CAN! But wait! That's not all! If you place in the tournament, YOU GET ANOTHER THREE MONTH PREMIUM!! And another 4 kilobyte award with a different title: "General Achievement Medal."
That's a 5 dollar, half a cent value!
-----> OH HO HO!! ***B-B-B-B-BONUS DEAL!!!** <------------

Now that's a steal! (hey hey! I rhymed! *cool guy pose, *thumbs up!)

HOWEVER, you must agree to the following:

1) Trust Andy and Lackattack with your mailing address and name.
2) Allow the CC Community to know exactly who you are (your personal information will be submitted to the masses by our discretion and that information is only limited by the vague phrase of "who you are.")
3) You'll have to tote around a Conquer Club banner the entire time you're there, and be prepared to face constant jokes like "Haha! DORK!" or "Who suckered you into that deal?"
4) You'll have to send constant journal entries throughout the event. If it's not acceptable, we'll just ask you to rewrite another one. You're only looking at like 10, 30, or maybe 60 minutes of work!
5) Don't forget to give us pictures--preferably embarrassing ones!
6) You'll need to spend time with our interviewers, who ask you a barrage of dull questions with the ultimate goal of putting you to sleep! (hey, that's another 10, 30, or 60 minutes of work!)
7) And last but not least, we strongly urge you to represent our business by spreading the word and recruiting others to join. Sorry, no commission, no pay, and nothing tax-deductible, but there's the vague possibility of making another CC friend! HEY HEY!! WHOA!!


Now remember! We offer the artificial value of up to $28.01 as long as you take the risks and do the work involved! Sure, it's not fair, but we'll heavily rely on your love for ConquerClub. Why even consider the real losses of this deal when you can replace it with mindless, chest-thumping "patriotism" towards ConquerClub?!

Don't ask questions! Don't think! Take our deal NOW!

It's 100% guaranteed!




Side-effects may include:

Loss of sleep over the embarrassment of wearing one of those CC T-shirts in public, possible theft identity (unlikely from Lack or Andy, and don't go asking us, sir), stomach ulcers, heartaches, chest pains, and possible anal bleeding, Photoshopped pictures, the butt of many jokes, the source of many laughs on /b/, constant ridicule, bad dreams, nightmares, night terrors, decrease in personal attraction, decrease in chances of successfully socializing with members of the opposite sex without being embarrassed by our conditions, decrease in appetite, and a possible increase in self-mutilation and/or masturbation--simultaneously.


_________________________

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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Army of GOD on Wed Sep 15, 2010 10:36 pm

I thought this was going to be a "Welcome back Army of GOD" thread =*(
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby jonesthecurl on Wed Sep 15, 2010 11:59 pm

Dang, I wasn't gonna do this but you make it so attractive I may just have to go for it - I'm going anyway.
And remember what the poet said – “in booty there is loot, and in loot booty.” Or sump’n like that.
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby poptartpsycho18 on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:01 pm

Very inspired post. How long did it take you to put it together? If you're not already employed doing this, get cracking fast =D>
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby BigBallinStalin on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:06 pm

I puked up a first draft in about 10-20 minutes, refining it along the way. Maybe it took me an hour, but I didn't have my stopwatch handy at the time.
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Army of GOD on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:08 pm

I don't have nearly enough determination to spend an hour on something like this.
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Queen_Herpes on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:11 pm

OMG, thank you for reposting this..Am I correct in thinking that they censored it from its previous location?
http://www.conquerclub.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=102006

This link is the best way to make new players feel welcome...

http://www.conquerclub.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=102006
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Night Strike on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:48 pm

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby safariguy5 on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:53 pm

Good god! It's like the Daily Show in text form.
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Army of GOD on Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:54 pm

safariguy5 wrote:Good god! It's like the Colbert Report in text form.


Because the Daily Show isn't nearly as funny.
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Fircoal on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:01 am

Army of GOD wrote:
safariguy5 wrote:Good god! It's like the Colbert Report in text form.


Because the Daily Show isn't nearly as funny.


Daily Show > Colbert Report
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby Army of GOD on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:02 am

Fircoal wrote:
Army of GOD wrote:
safariguy5 wrote:Good god! It's like the Colbert Report in text form.


Because the Daily Show isn't nearly as funny.


Daily Show > Colbert Report


Don't even fucking start with me.

Colbert runs circles around Stewart.


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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby jefjef on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:23 am

This thread courtesy of AASaxiStalin.
This post was made by jefjef who should be on your ignore list.
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drunkmonkey wrote:I'm filing a C&A report right now. Its nice because they have a drop-down for "jefjef".
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Re: THIS JUST IN!

Postby grifftron on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:56 am

Epic.
‹army of nobunaga› me and so many other people including people in your own clan look at you as a joke
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