by minihaymanz on Wed Jul 12, 2006 6:10 pm
just a couple of chuck norris jokes I have compiled...
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I can, Iām Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris puts the m's on m&ms.
when his martial arts prowess
fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norrisi.
Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for a +500 gain to
roundhouse ability.
New Yearās eve 1998, Chuck Norris was at a party, when the clock struck twelve, instead of kissing someone, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked everyone at the party. He then proceeded to roundhouse kick everyone on the street, and the whole city. He has been doing this ever since.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
When Chuck Norris was denied a mcgriddle at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendyās.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.
Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on mortal kombat 2 on the Sega genesis.
Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking than in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a con dom.
Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.
There are in fact 31 letters of
the English alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the power rangers just to say hi.
Chuck Norris has no concept of time; if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life.
Never.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.
If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would kick your ass and take your dollar.
When Chuck Norrisās wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it
Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a total gym.
Chuck Norris once shot a
German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
in a recent interview, Chuck Norris told entertainment tonight co-host Mary hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "total recall".
Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris caught all 386 PokemƓn in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them
for anything.
If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win: Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.
In one episode of fresh prince of bel air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.
Chuck Norris is where babies come from.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game uno.
If you can see
Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, god rested. Chuck Norris took over.
Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris consumes 87 cans of mayonnaise in a week.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a total gym.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned
the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, 'always leave things the way you found em!'"
One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach pictures of his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick them.
In the original pilot for star trek next gen Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
there was a time when Chuck Norris was labelled as a mere god of men, more recently he has taken the lofty title of "Tennesseeās junior embroiderer of the year".
Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone split his pint.
Newtons 4th Law is Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful that he once roundhouse kicked light and made it stop
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris invented the internet, but that pussy Al Gore tried to take credit. Chuck Norris exacted his revenge by roundhouse kicking every hanging chad in Florida until George Bush won the election.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, Chuck Norris will still be able to kick your ass
Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.
A man once made the mistake of calling Chuck Norris by the name Carlos. The man's recieved a roundhouse so severe that it caused his penis to become inverted. Thus, Chuck Norris performed the world's first sex change operation via roundhouse.
Chuck Norris breathes pain instead of oxygen.
After taking a cue from George Foreman, Chuck Norris will develop his own grill that actually bullies and roundkicks the food into getting more brown.
Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there.
Chuck Norris has good reasons to believe that Mary was in fact not a virgin.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.
Why did the midget cross the road? Because Chuck Norris pistol-whipped it in the skull.
The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
Chuck Norris has been hired by the state of Louisiana to roundhouse kick hurricanes away from the state for the next decade.